Gray Matter

Me-oh-my where has the time gone?  These last two weeks have certainly kept my mind buzzing more than usual.  So far I have worn a heart halter for 24 hours to monitor my ticker.  So far, so good.  The MRI showed no indication of any 'Franks' in my noggin.  I had an EEG done Monday and tomorrow I go for a heart echo to look at the inside of my heart that may or may not have triggered my initial drop & flop.  I'm sure all will be fine and I'm interested in seeing the echo myself and looking at little flaps that serve as a lock & damn mechanism for my overall blood flow to my weirded out body. However,  I have no interest in seeing the bills that will be filling up my mailbox.  That shit can wait.  

I had a friend rush into town last weekend for a quick excursion.  It was a quick 3 day jaunt but I was thankful for it regardless.  I took some pictures for the first time since the holidays and revisited my own downtown area.  I forget how much I enjoy using my little camera and discovering new eateries.  I feel like I've missed out on so much these past few months simply because I was emeshed in work and much schooling.  I know I will eventually have more free time to play further on down the road and downtown will always be there.  I just need to remember to touch base with some real fun time more often.  

I had an old boyfriend contact me recently.  It didn't come quite as a shock but the timing was unexpected for sure.  I'm not sure quite what to make of it all just yet.  I'm still processing it in my frankless brain but I guess for the most part he needed to clear his guilty conscience for his wrong doings.  Whatever, man.  I have never held any ill will toward him but I just can't get messed up in that 'rekindling the past' kind of mess.  School starts back up on Monday and I have much to do before that first day.  Most importantly, I have a hot date with one of my bestests girlfriends for a concert to which I refuse to miss.  And that pretty much trumps everything else.  elizinashe

So This One Time At Clinical

Wow, it's been a really long time since I last wrote.  The whole log-in thingy is different now.  Why do they have to keep changing things?  It's a weird looking format if you ask me.  However, this is not the main reason that I am posting tonight.  

Last Monday I was at my clinical site at the VA Hospital as a part of my nursing program curriculum.  I was getting ready to pass medications to my patient with my instructor by my side.  She was grilling me pretty hard about meds and making me really nervous.  She's a really good teacher but really particular and plays by the rules to the 'T' if you know what I mean.  She was asking me about the '5 Patient Rights' which I had trouble recalling which made me even more nervous.  I remember trying to recall what I should always know and I began to repeat myself in hopes of triggering my memory.  The more I kept messing up, the more freaked I became.  Anyway, it got to a point to where I began to feel really light-headed and I knew that I needed to sit down.  I remember saying aloud to my instructor that I felt 'lightheaded' and then that was it.  

The next thing I saw was my instructor over me saying my name and trying to arouse me.  I looked around, rather confused at that given moment and then it hit me.  I passed out.  I then vaguely remember my feet shaking & kicking or something like that.  As I was becoming more coherent I asked if I had passed out.  ('yes').  Did I just have a seizure?  ('yes').  I think the thought of 'oh shit' crossed my brain and then more confusion as to how in the hell that could have happened to me.  

So to make a long story short, I was quickly assessed and then slowly sat up to reorient yet again and head down to the ER for a workup.  It all happened so fast that I was still dumbfounded.  I felt really bad that all this happened in front of my patient and in his room!  I hope I didn't freak him out so much.  However, I was really thankful that my instructor was by my side and very grateful for the nursing staff on that 4th floor.  

I got a really good work-up down in the ER that day.  The thing I hated the most was having to call my mom to meet me in the Emergency Department.  Ironically, all this happened the day after what would have been my brother's 46th birthday.  He had died from a freak virus that attacked his heart exactly two months after his 20th birthday.  Strange.  And knowing that I had to call my mom to reinforce a fear that 'something might happen to me' left me guilt ridden.  However, she took it really, really well and did not freak out as badly as I thought she would have.  And thank God for that!  

All my lab work came back within normal limits, the heart monitor did not indicate anything abnormal but the CT did show what appears to be an aneurysm.  (HUH?).  Seriously?  Apparently, according to the CT, I have a 6mm aneurysm in the right side of my brain.  I wasn't able to see the CT myself, but I still have trouble believing it all.  I have had no signs or sypmptoms that anything has been 'wrong' or 'unusual'.  Other than a few panicky moments but then again I'm in nursing school and I work.  That's stressful enough.  

Since then, I have seen a neurologist for a consult, I have an MRI scheduled for Wednesday to see what's really in my brain afterall.  Tuesday I get to pick up a 'halter' to monitor my heart for 24 hours and will also have an EEG in the near future as well as a heart echo.  Lucky me.  This was not how I wanted to spend my two week break from school before our summer session starts.  All this shit happened at the beginning of finals week.  Boy, do I know how to pick bad timing, eh?  

I've always said 'things happen for a reason'.  And I still belive that today.  Sometimes we just don't know what that reason might be.  All I know is that I survived the incident, completed my tests and will be walking out of my second semester with a 'B' average.  A well deserved 'B' if you ask me.  I go through periods of thought where I'm really freaked by it all and the possible outcomes to the naive and perhaps somewhat intuitive thought that it's all really going to be okay.  Certainly there are a couple of things high on my priority list to change and monitor.  I've lead a pretty healthy life for the most part and I want to continue that by all means.  I've worked too hard to get where I am today and I am much too stubborn to let this get me down.  

In the meantime, I've tried to keep pretty chill this week and have tried not to overthink this mess.  I just want to see what the MRI indicates and if it is to be true as to what Mr CT says, then I will move on to the next step.  Summer session starts on the 21st and I can't miss orientation.  Plus, my study group would be lost without me.  haha....And if I do have a 'little friend' growing in my brain I think I will call him Frank.  Sounds weird, I know but I'm kinda weird myself so it makes perfect sense to me.  

So that's been my life so far.  You hear all kinds of horror stories, mean instructors,  struggling experiences and sleep deprivation during nursing school.  I think I've out done them all don't ya think?  Until next time.....

elizinashe

Recognition, Procrastination, Debating & Frustration

So a local staff member from a local entertainment newspaper made a comment on my previous blog post. Don't know how he found it but he read my stuff nevertheless. Wow! I was quite surprised not to mention a little impressed. Apparently he has created another blog page for other local bloggers and artists to have a home for more exposure and self-advertising and he wanted to know if I wanted to be a part of this. Huh? My little blog? Really? Not quite sure what to make of this. I certainly don't have anything to promote or sell. Just some random writing here and there. I have yet to give a clear 'okay'. I've been so wrapped up with school stuff that my brain just can't comprehend all the particulars. One of the requirements is to post at least once a week. That may be tough given my schedule at this time. However, instead of looking over homework at this moment I'm blogging. Guess if I really wanted to write more often I'd sacrifice the time.

And on the homework note I am totally ignoring my Micro this evening. I just don't think my brain can tolerate the material. It can get pretty detailed and I just don't feel up to it. My body is tired and my legs ache. I've been up since 5am and spent half my day at my clinical site. Came home to rest a bit, went to the grocery store and spent about 3 hours doing nursing stuff on-line and sent an email to a friend. I think the hours put into my nursing stuff should qualify for enough time spent school wise. Everything else can go on the back burner for tonight. Ah......I see a small couch for the evening and a nice glass of wine.

Speaking of school, the next leg of our nursing classes for the spring is gearing up which means totally new clinical sites from March until May. Some of those days clash with my Micro lab day. I should have my clinical days on Saturdays & Mondays as they have been but being that the state requires an 'X' amount of clinical time per semester I have some added days which fall on Tuesdays aka Micro Lab day. Ugh! I'm already juggling so much and our micro teacher posts stuff late so it's hard to keep up with that class. I can't miss much class time without totally failing. We have an orientation day that is required for nursing which of course, falls on a Tuesday. WTF?? I want to stay in compliance with my nursing program but having another class that clashes just plain sucks. I'm not sure that my micro teacher will allow me to make up class time in the evening due to my nursing schedule. But I guess it wouldn't hurt to ask. Otherwise, the other plan is to drop the micro and try to retake it in the summer when things will hopefully be much calmer. Therefore, I can manage the nursing thing somewhat better and just may have a more positive outcome in taking the micro later. Just a hopeful thought.

And to top it all off, I am still plagued with vehicle dilemmas. The mechanic brought up the word 'trade' along with the words repair. Oh geeze.....I know my car is 12 years old but it's a Nissan. Those things last forever and mine is paid off! I totally cannot afford a car payment nor do I have enough money in the bank to pay for some cheap ass set of wheels just to get me around. I love having a 4 wheel drive because it certainly has saved my ass a few times when the weather has been slippery. I am certain that we will get a good snow before the season is over. We are overdue this winter. I'd rather have my car repaired but the trick is having transportation while it's being repaired. It will probably be a good 2 day job, (cha-ching) and being that I have to be somewhere everyday, I need wheels. So the challenge is to find a buddy who is blessed to have a 2nd vehicle and beg to borrow the said 2nd vehicle. It is times like these when it really does suck to be single. I have yet to be blessed with a boyfriend, live-in or husband who could help me with these matters. It's just one more thing to add to the anxiety. Lucky me. At least there is always a glass of wine to be had. Maybe I should be a part of the community blog afterall....perhaps one of my fellow bloggers-slash-artists would take pity on me and loan me a set of wheels next time I encounter such a conundrum. Stranger things have happened that's for sure. I think it's time to pile up on the couch and think about it for a while. Or not think. That sounds more pleasing to my overworked brain. Until next time.... elizinashe

I'm Still Here

Despite a constant state of anxiety and dark circles, I am still in existence. I have succumbed to the fact that I will never catch up in the fashion that I want and that I will always be too tired to push myself to stay up late to really pound into the books and power points. What a sucky way to teach by the way....

I didn't do so well on my first Micro test even though it was on-line. I just couldn't keep my notes straight nor have I dedicated loads of time to really study this extra class because I've been so focused on my nursing crapola and all the other extra projects that they have dished out and getting my service learning requirements out of the way. Oh yeah, don't forget to throw in my working hours in all this mess.

I go to bed with notes and ideas in my head as well as hormones and lab values that I should have memorized while my cat tries to smother me in efforts to keep himself warm. I dread hearing the alarm in the wee hours of the morning and starting my day. But I am relieved to see fellow study mates before class, bleary eyed like me and griping about the seemingly lack of congruence in our courses and communication between our instructors and our designated group project people with whom we have to work with for specific projects to turn in for class as a part of our curriculum. I am relieved to go to work knowing that it's an environment that I know and that I have great familiarity which strangely eases my stress being that it's usually a high stress environment. Funny how that works.....

The next two weeks will certainly be balls to the wall for me. Not rest for the weary. At all. Period. I will not have a free day until the 24th. I just want to get through the weekend. That's all I can really focus on right now. I'm still behind with school but I feel like I'm one step ahead with making some flash cards to tuck away in my bag for work in the am. Hopefully, I will have a slight chance to gloss over them during my working hours and hope that it will sink into my head by the means of osmosis. I am hoping that my Saturday clinical will give me the opportunity to have some time to fill out a stupid drug chart so I won't have to do it at home. I've got a power point to finish by next week not to mention Microbiology. Sheesh! I think my brain is officially at capacity even though I know there is much, much more to do. Wish me luck my fellow readers! I can certainly use the good karma and the motivational vibes to push me through! In the meantime, relish the fact that you aren't going through this mess right now! There is light at the end of the tunnel. I just wish the tunnel were a bit shorter right now.

Cheers! elizinashe

Here We Go!

I have now entered the chaotic abyss of nursing school second semester plus an on-line microbiology class. My computer is going to suck me into a black hole that no escape key will delete me out of this vortex. What am I thinking? I don't even know where to start. I keep getting distracted. What do I read first and which class do I read first? Since when did a grammatically incorrect, incomplete sentence such as 'on-line' become a verb and a way to teach educational material as well as test students? How many power points does it take to teach one chapter? How much is too much? I grew up watching slides of family photos. I'd rather see that again. And why would anyone say that your 2nd semester of nursing school will be easier? WTF????? I don't have time to absorb all this shit. How will I do it all? On-line assignments, on-line readings, on-line tutorials, on-line quizzes, on-line, on-line, on-line......blah,blah,blah.......can I get a new ass on-line because mine will surely be flat as a pancake by the end of the month. See ya in the spring. elizinashe

Odds & Ends

Today has been the coldest day of the year. It didn't reach above 27 degrees for our high and the wind chill has been in the single digits. Brrr.....It's supposed so be a bit warmer tomorrow and back into the 50s by the weekend. That's good news to my ears if you ask me.

My dad sends me newspaper clippings from my hometown paper at least once a week. It gives him something to do I guess. Most of them involve pet stories such as the local pet photo contest contestants and winners, the pet of the week up for adoption and random shots of people with their dogs at the park. He also sends me themed stuff. This month has been Christmas lights and displays around the area and such. Halloween was rather fun it seemed. Lots of haunted houses and creepy costumes. Sometimes he sends the gossip of the week politic wise. Lately, our mayor, who is a member of our church, recently had an altercation at a town meeting with a resident who got out of hand and punched our mayor in the face. (dumbass.) The court hearing made the paper which my father sent me. I really have no interest in reading all the details but I will happily accept it. One of these days I won't be receiving these little annoyances from my hometown newspaper.

School starts back up on Monday. Yikes! How did the time pass so quickly? My house is still not in order despite the three week break. I just can't get myself organized. As long as I can vacuum again and keep up with the laundry I can function fairly well. I already bought extra notebooks before the semester ended and should have plenty of ancillary supplies on hand. I have an extra book to pick up plus a payment for an on-line tutorial. Other than that, I guess I'm somewhat prepared. Our first day back is apparently an orientation from 730am until 4pm that day. Ugh! I have no idea what to bring or what to prepare for other than a giant thermos of coffee and my water jug. Not looking forward to long, first day back.

Christmas was good although it still makes me feel blue at times. It was good to spend time with my mom and her friends and share a big feast. Even though that angry little head of mine begins to sprout I am always glad to have my time with her. One of her friends gave me a generous gift card for Christmas and as a 'Congratulations' on surviving my first semester of nursing school. That gift card went on to buy a new down coat, on sale of course, for the bitter cold. My old jacket had become too old plus it was too small to begin with so I now have a proper fitting deep lagoon colored down coat to start off my new year. Gotta love those after Christmas sales.

We have all heard that things happen in 'threes'. Well, my 'threes' are beginning. Last week I had my manifold and a valve cover gasket set replaced. Ouch. In the process it was discovered that my O-rings were crapped out so I'm having those replaced in the morning. Oh well. It's cheaper than a new car that's for damn sure. I'm afraid to see how much this will cost me in the end. I'm still waiting on the 'three'. I have a doctor's appointment on Thursday so keep your fingers crossed. I can't have my health be the third. Whatever it is it better be manageable.

So there it is folks in a nutshell. Maybe if I'm lucky I'll be able to post before the semester takes over my life. Wish me luck! I will need it. elizinashe

I Really Should Write More

The holidays have proved to be epic. Thanksgiving was wonderful and quick. Then it was back to the slammatude of school, holiday cards, work and moving toward that beacon of light that is, and soon to be was, the 'semester break'. No time for blogging.

It was a bombardment of prepping for a test, taking the said test followed by a holiday Christmas Jam fundraiser, then check-offs, then another check-off and oh yeah, a third check-off because I'm a dumbass and then the final. Sandwich many study sessions with classmates in between and that was my first three weeks of December. Then the celebrations began. Met the said classmates for celebratory drinks and junk food, entertained a weekend guest and hit a mandatory meeting for work after guest leaves and finally crashed in the afternoon for a much needed nap. Too tired to blog.

After recovering from all the festivities it was on to vehicle repairs, (yea me) and more food and drink related gatherings for the season and a feast at my mother's house with 12 other people. Sheesh! I think I'm officially full. However, today is the big 'New Year's Eve' hoo-ha so there will be more foodage and drink. The good thing is that I am working in the morning so I seriously doubt that I will see any kind of ball drop come midnight. Oh well.....there is a slight chance of seeing the midnight hour since I have been struggling with insomnia during my break. You would think I'd have sleeping problems while I'm working and going to school and not during a respite. What the hell is that all about? Too frustrated to blog.

All in all, I really can't complain. The holidays usually are a struggle for me at times. It's a love/hate relationship but I am certain most people are in a similar situation. I really do dig the holidays but sometimes I wish my life were a bit different and it seems to get a little bit harder as I get older. (sigh.) I am blessed and lucky and I have wonderful friends that I cannot describe in words how much they mean to me. So when those troublesome thoughts try to take a hold of my mind I think of my peeps and take a look at what I truly have in my life and take stock at what's truly important. I'm looking forward to getting all this holiday chaos over with and welcome 2012 for all good things to come my way and get rid of these roller coaster holiday blahs out of my soul. Happy New Year's everyone! May 2012 be the year for all to prosper and succeed in all your endeavors! elizinashe