Cans and Shoulds

Taking Care of Me

So I did it.  Made that counseling appointment and today was the day.  I had some expected anxieties about it all, mostly due to the fact I had some adulting things to tackle before and after in the daytime hours but I got it done and did fairly well.  I coped.  I survived.  Even in the unexpected down pour of a storm which made driving on a busy road a bit nerve wracking.

But alas...it was well.  Did I make any breakthroughs?  Of course not.  Did I vent?  Yes.  My mouth opened up and I garbled away.  Plus the therapist gave me her expectations, covered a few mandatory questions and gave me the heads up about what may come to pass if she feels I need something more specialized or will guide me in that direction if I want it.  And I hope that happens.  I think I need to be doing this gig for a while.  I have a lot of bugs to clear. 

What I did realize is that I struggle with what I "can" do and what I "should " do.  In other words, we are capable of so much, despite the social expectations, family expectations, peer expectations and so on.  And I struggle with the guilt of it all but at the end of the day, I need to be okay with my decisions and my capabilities vs what I think I should be doing to fulfill the said expectations, social norms and blah, blah, blah.  I know that may sound a bit cryptic without going into all the details but that's the nutshell.  And of course, there is anger and guilt that still likes to make it's home in my head.  Still working on that. 

In the end of it all, I felt good about going.  I felt relieved.  And I saw two former co-workers at the grocery store afterwards who greeted me with big, fat hugs.  And that felt good.  I think that was a pretty good way to begin that shopping experience don't ya think?   Small steps...I guess that's better than no steps at all.  Until next time...elizinashe

And Working On Some Of This

Wearing the Grouchy Pants

Feeling Like This Today

It's a hot today.  Ugh.  Makes me cranky.  There's a cool festival going on downtown and I'd like to go but it's just too hot for my taste.  Plus I really don't feel like fighting the crowds.  So home it is, but I'm a bit bored, a bit depressed perhaps and I have zero motivation to clean my house as it's getting a bit messy.  Well...it's already a mess but it's getting to be a bit much.  I really need to use the vacuum much more.  Good thing I live alone.

I've got the annual boob squeeze tomorrow.  Ugh.  Not looking forward to it, but it's so very important to get that mammogram.  Especially since I've had some minor issues with the girls.  Or Lefty and Poncho as one of my friends from my college days so affectionately dubbed them.  haha...It's not that painful but it is uncomfortable.  It's rather awkward really.  And by the time I leave, I will be hitting rush hour traffic.  It might be a stop at my watering hole for a libation and a snack since I'm still in the "I don't want to cook" phase and therefore allow the said rush hour traffic to move on before I make my way home.  That might be more therapeutic for me anyway. 

I'm in bad need of a vacation.  And not a "staycation".  I need to leave the county borders.  For real.  I used to travel to the beach by myself in the "off season" quite a bit.  I haven't done that in years.  I so need some beach time.  I could care less about the tan or swimming in the ocean all day.  Although I do want to get my feet wet.  But with my busy mind and over thinking charms, I'm afraid to drive the four and half hours by myself.  I fear that my car will break down or something else bad will happen.  Why do I think like that?  Sheesh...too many other experiences of vehicle mishaps?  Oh yeah, I currently have a fat nail in my back tire.  (sigh...)  Found it last night.  At least my tire hasn't gone flat.  It just pisses me off. I swear I'm a magnet for that shit.  And as for the beach?  I still want to go, just not by myself.  I want a companion to join me on the festivities.  It gets lonely doing everything by yourself.

The only exciting thing I have planned for the rest of my day is some take out food and laundry.  Oh yeah, I need to do dishes too but that's an easy one.  Add some soap and hit the power button on the dishwasher.  Thank God I have one!  I went many, many years without one.  I swear, the day I bought dishwasher soap when I got my home was one happy day.  Sounds weird I know but I was so over washing dishes by hand.  I will not go without a dishwasher again.  Ever. 

So that's it folks.  It's a grouchy kind of day.  Just moving through the emotions...there is an ending in sight.  You can always count on that.  Until next time...elizinashe

Trying To Be Like This

Dare I Do It?

I Dig This

As usual, I'm awake.  It's dark, semi-cloudy, quiet and cool outside.  It's rather a peaceful feeling when I step out on my deck. 

I fell asleep after I ate dinner.  Slept too long really therefore the disruption in my circadian rhythm.  It's not that unusual for me to be up this late anyway, but it sure does delay other adult responsibilities that need to be tackled in daytime hours.  Or shall I say the self-imposed duties that I expect myself to complete within a certain time frame.  And then when I don't, I feel guilty.  I need to work on that.  The guilt that is.

I've been having some pretty wicked dreams too as of late.  And not necessarily nice ones.  I can pretty much figure out what my subconscious is fighting or struggling with is more like it.  It is very clear to me that certain things of my past are haunting me more than expected.  I thought I was past it all.  Or at least had dealt with it the best way I could.  And it's beginning to mess with my head in my waking hours.  I think it's time for some therapy.  But even the thought of that stresses me out due to time management rather than the therapy itself.  I've had therapy before and it was truly helpful.  I think it's time.

The times when I'm up this late and the wee hours of the night grow closer to dawn, I toy with the idea to stay up, see the sunrise and just start my day anew, and attempt to get those adulting responsibilities done.  In a sleep deprived state.  I've know other night shifters who just stay up when they can't sleep or do their grocery shopping and then take a short nap in the afternoon when needed.  Some just stay up all day and then go to bed after dinner.  And then power sleep.  I don't know if I can function like that.  I've thought about it, but my fear is when I take that afternoon nap, I will just keep sleeping and then wake up late at night and then I am back where I started.  Dare I do it?  I think not.  At least not this time.

Hopefully I will find some balance in the coming days.  I have much to scratch off on my self imposed list.  I've had many other posts running in my head to hammer out but not much motivation to write.  I've been wallowing...I need to swim out of that mess.  I don't want to drown in this funk of mine.  It's getting tiresome.  I will send my requests to the Universe and look forward.  It's the only way to go don't ya think?  Until next time...elizinashe

I Need Some of This

Random Ramblings...

Beauty in Sadness ?

My mind tends to race and ramble when I need to be calm.  A lot of it happens at home when I'm alone and awake in the wee hours of the night.  Especially when I need to sleep.  Anyone else have that problem?

My dad will be 81 years old in November.  He lives in Arkansas, which is quite the trip.  I am thankful that he is in good health and is able to live independently still.  But I know the day will come when he will need help and I'm not sure how that is going to fall into place.  I worry about his mentality as he has said and done things in the past, and the recent past that gives me worry.  However, I feel like I will not know until it's bad.  I hope and pray that what neighbors he has, and what church members are still living will contact me when things begin to go awry.  I don't want to be that shitty adult kid that ignores her parents.  I just can't be that way but I also know that I will need lots of help and I have no idea where the help will come from.  Sometimes it's really hard to keep the Faith and have the peace of mind that it will all work out.  I pray that I will find the strength and capacity to cross that hurdle when that day comes.

I've never understood why we call people of color "minorities".  You know, the "non-white" folks.  Why is that?  Just because your skin is darker than mine does not make you stupid, beneath me or pond scum. I am no better than you.  Aren't we all pink inside?  So why is it that the white man decided to label other races minorities?  Shouldn't we, the white man, be the minority?  The Native American Indians were here first were they not?  And they were "of color".  So why not consider us white people minorities too?  Just a thought.  Too much of a "hot button" topic?

Work...it's a love/hate relationship is it not?  I am proud that I put myself back through school and gotten a better and more lucrative degree but the healthcare system is going down the tubes.  More and more smaller hospitals are closing, the "for profit" hospitals continue to cut staffing ratios which does nothing for the patients nor is it supportive of staff.  Burnout is high.  And despite the thousands of nurses and other healthcare workers making noise, nothing will change until the powers that be in Congress make changes and stop taking money from big dollar donors and big Pharma for their own personal gain.  People are going to die unnecessarily.  You don't have to work in healthcare to make some noise.  And I suggest you do so loud and clear.

So I finally got my "smart tv" hooked up, got the landline internet switched to Wi-Fi but I have yet to totally yank my cable package.  I'm still learning the apps on my tv, plus I kind of like channel surfing.  I get bored rather easy so binge watching multiple movies is difficult.  I have done some binge watching a couple of tv shows but it took me a two or three months to complete the seasons.  Again...it's hard to focus sometimes.  Plus, I do like my local news on occasion and I need to keep abreast on the national news as much as I hate to do so.  I can only stomach so much of it.  But I think we are all in that boat.  Anyone else struggle with cutting the cord?  What are some of your favorite apps and shows to watch?

And so that's it folks.  What are some of your random ramblings?  Curious minds what to know.  Until next time...elizinashe.

A Quiet Night

A Celestial Request

Hello Moon !

It's a full moon tonight.  Looks wonderful too.  For the first time in many nights, I feel good despite my mentality the last few days, perhaps weeks, and even better from earlier today.  I've been in a bit of a funk lately and have been fully aware of it.  Sometimes you just have to move through it in order to get out to the other side.  Fingers crossed my mental funk continues to be on the upswing.

My hope is that the full moon will pull on all those negative thoughts and feelings out of my soul and toss it out to the sea, despite the miles that keep me from the ocean.  I need to believe that.  And I need to feel that too.  I've always said if you want something then you need to give it to the Universe.  And then do the work as well.  I'm working on "the work" too.  I have to make things happen for me but I do believe that there are higher powers that come along to help and guide you on your journey. 

 I'm tired of allowing the demons in my head dictate my mood. Sometimes it's hard that's for sure. But I remain hopeful that I will continue to persevere and move through this Life with the gusto and confidence that I crave.  I remain hopeful that the hurdles that will cross my path will be easy to jump and navigate, because I know that they will come.  They always do.  I remain hopeful that tomorrow will be a better day.  I remain hopeful.  Don't you?  Until next time...elizinashe

A Very Important Key to Have on Your Chain

You Would Think...

Night Owl Sights

Welp...I'm awake...

I was up late last night, did not go to be until the wee hours but that's pretty normal for that first "turn around day".  Tonight, or earlier on Saturday night, as it's after midnight and officially Sunday, I went out to dinner with some friends, had some drinks, went to a comedy show, topped off the festivities with some desert and a glass of wine.  It was a lovely time. 

I got home, began to feel sleepy and thought for sure, I'd be in bed before 2AM, which I did, but I have yet to fall asleep.  My mind keeps wandering.  And my belly is really full.  Perhaps too full.  Maybe that's why I can't sleep.  And I feel fat.  To which, I am gaining weight and that bothers me too.  Doesn't make me any less of a person, or less attractive, but it bothers me nonetheless. 

I am thankful for my friends and fun nights out, but it sure does suck sometimes being the only single person in the group.  Maybe that's a good thing anyway, I don't know.  At least it's not a issue that any of us focus on.  Maybe I'm not meant to be in a relationship.  I really don't count on it much these days anyway.

I have much to tackle in the next few days and not much motivation to get it all started.  I've been in a "responsible adult" rut lately and getting back into the groove of things makes me feel frustrated.  And I hate it when I get in these kinds of moods.  I just need to start on one thing and go from there.  I hope I find that motivation otherwise I will keep procrastinating and then it will be that much worse.  Ugh..where is my magic wand?

Hopefully by writing it all out will shove all the bugs in my head that's keeping me awake and annoyed.  Tomorrow is another day...I'm hoping for a new leaf.  The seasons will change soon enough.  Maybe then I will find a new mojo.  Until next time...elizinashe

Ready for a New Beginning

Guess What...

A Late Night Hoot

It's 3AM and I'm wide awake.  Shocker I know.

I sometimes feel guilty for being up so late in my off time from work.  My downfall is that I usually fall asleep for a little while after I eat dinner, which includes a beer or wine so that adds to a sleepiness factor.  I know that.  But then...I'm up for the rest of the night.  Now I typically don't sleep for too long post meal but it still disrupts my rhythm.  I wonder how many other night shifters struggle with this issue.  Surely I'm not the only one. 

I don't mind it too terribly much.  I don't schedule appointments or activities early in the day, even when I did work daytime hours, I don't have kids so I don't need to rush them back and forth to school and I'm single so there's no worry about keeping my other half awake. 

But the late night hours can get lonely.  Sometimes it gives your mind too much time to spin and recycle crap that does not need to keep a home in your head.  I've been struggling with that too.  Hell, even the daytime hours can be spent recycling that crap in your head which does nothing for the betterment of my mood.  I hate that part.

On the flip side, stepping out on the deck in the wee hours of the night can be rather cleansing.  I've seen some wild creatures take a quick stroll through the neighborhood, done a lot of star gazing, witnessed a satellite burnout in the night sky, embraced the changes of the on-coming seasons and made lots of wishes on shooting stars while the majority of folks are slumbering away.  Guess that's not too bad now is it? 

Now if I could only use my late night hours to clean out some closets then that would be a good thing.  But alas....I procrastinate.  I like my wee hours to be relaxing.  Don't you?  Until next time...elizinashe

Sweet Dreams !