Gray Matter

Me-oh-my where has the time gone?  These last two weeks have certainly kept my mind buzzing more than usual.  So far I have worn a heart halter for 24 hours to monitor my ticker.  So far, so good.  The MRI showed no indication of any 'Franks' in my noggin.  I had an EEG done Monday and tomorrow I go for a heart echo to look at the inside of my heart that may or may not have triggered my initial drop & flop.  I'm sure all will be fine and I'm interested in seeing the echo myself and looking at little flaps that serve as a lock & damn mechanism for my overall blood flow to my weirded out body. However,  I have no interest in seeing the bills that will be filling up my mailbox.  That shit can wait.  

I had a friend rush into town last weekend for a quick excursion.  It was a quick 3 day jaunt but I was thankful for it regardless.  I took some pictures for the first time since the holidays and revisited my own downtown area.  I forget how much I enjoy using my little camera and discovering new eateries.  I feel like I've missed out on so much these past few months simply because I was emeshed in work and much schooling.  I know I will eventually have more free time to play further on down the road and downtown will always be there.  I just need to remember to touch base with some real fun time more often.  

I had an old boyfriend contact me recently.  It didn't come quite as a shock but the timing was unexpected for sure.  I'm not sure quite what to make of it all just yet.  I'm still processing it in my frankless brain but I guess for the most part he needed to clear his guilty conscience for his wrong doings.  Whatever, man.  I have never held any ill will toward him but I just can't get messed up in that 'rekindling the past' kind of mess.  School starts back up on Monday and I have much to do before that first day.  Most importantly, I have a hot date with one of my bestests girlfriends for a concert to which I refuse to miss.  And that pretty much trumps everything else.  elizinashe

So This One Time At Clinical

Wow, it's been a really long time since I last wrote.  The whole log-in thingy is different now.  Why do they have to keep changing things?  It's a weird looking format if you ask me.  However, this is not the main reason that I am posting tonight.  

Last Monday I was at my clinical site at the VA Hospital as a part of my nursing program curriculum.  I was getting ready to pass medications to my patient with my instructor by my side.  She was grilling me pretty hard about meds and making me really nervous.  She's a really good teacher but really particular and plays by the rules to the 'T' if you know what I mean.  She was asking me about the '5 Patient Rights' which I had trouble recalling which made me even more nervous.  I remember trying to recall what I should always know and I began to repeat myself in hopes of triggering my memory.  The more I kept messing up, the more freaked I became.  Anyway, it got to a point to where I began to feel really light-headed and I knew that I needed to sit down.  I remember saying aloud to my instructor that I felt 'lightheaded' and then that was it.  

The next thing I saw was my instructor over me saying my name and trying to arouse me.  I looked around, rather confused at that given moment and then it hit me.  I passed out.  I then vaguely remember my feet shaking & kicking or something like that.  As I was becoming more coherent I asked if I had passed out.  ('yes').  Did I just have a seizure?  ('yes').  I think the thought of 'oh shit' crossed my brain and then more confusion as to how in the hell that could have happened to me.  

So to make a long story short, I was quickly assessed and then slowly sat up to reorient yet again and head down to the ER for a workup.  It all happened so fast that I was still dumbfounded.  I felt really bad that all this happened in front of my patient and in his room!  I hope I didn't freak him out so much.  However, I was really thankful that my instructor was by my side and very grateful for the nursing staff on that 4th floor.  

I got a really good work-up down in the ER that day.  The thing I hated the most was having to call my mom to meet me in the Emergency Department.  Ironically, all this happened the day after what would have been my brother's 46th birthday.  He had died from a freak virus that attacked his heart exactly two months after his 20th birthday.  Strange.  And knowing that I had to call my mom to reinforce a fear that 'something might happen to me' left me guilt ridden.  However, she took it really, really well and did not freak out as badly as I thought she would have.  And thank God for that!  

All my lab work came back within normal limits, the heart monitor did not indicate anything abnormal but the CT did show what appears to be an aneurysm.  (HUH?).  Seriously?  Apparently, according to the CT, I have a 6mm aneurysm in the right side of my brain.  I wasn't able to see the CT myself, but I still have trouble believing it all.  I have had no signs or sypmptoms that anything has been 'wrong' or 'unusual'.  Other than a few panicky moments but then again I'm in nursing school and I work.  That's stressful enough.  

Since then, I have seen a neurologist for a consult, I have an MRI scheduled for Wednesday to see what's really in my brain afterall.  Tuesday I get to pick up a 'halter' to monitor my heart for 24 hours and will also have an EEG in the near future as well as a heart echo.  Lucky me.  This was not how I wanted to spend my two week break from school before our summer session starts.  All this shit happened at the beginning of finals week.  Boy, do I know how to pick bad timing, eh?  

I've always said 'things happen for a reason'.  And I still belive that today.  Sometimes we just don't know what that reason might be.  All I know is that I survived the incident, completed my tests and will be walking out of my second semester with a 'B' average.  A well deserved 'B' if you ask me.  I go through periods of thought where I'm really freaked by it all and the possible outcomes to the naive and perhaps somewhat intuitive thought that it's all really going to be okay.  Certainly there are a couple of things high on my priority list to change and monitor.  I've lead a pretty healthy life for the most part and I want to continue that by all means.  I've worked too hard to get where I am today and I am much too stubborn to let this get me down.  

In the meantime, I've tried to keep pretty chill this week and have tried not to overthink this mess.  I just want to see what the MRI indicates and if it is to be true as to what Mr CT says, then I will move on to the next step.  Summer session starts on the 21st and I can't miss orientation.  Plus, my study group would be lost without me.  haha....And if I do have a 'little friend' growing in my brain I think I will call him Frank.  Sounds weird, I know but I'm kinda weird myself so it makes perfect sense to me.  

So that's been my life so far.  You hear all kinds of horror stories, mean instructors,  struggling experiences and sleep deprivation during nursing school.  I think I've out done them all don't ya think?  Until next time.....

elizinashe