Thursday, July 11, 2013

And My Next Move Is Where?

Do you ever wish you could get a letter in the mail telling you what to do when it comes to life changing decisions in your life? How many times have you wished that the answers to what you struggle with would make itself clearly evident?  I'm not talking about if you should buy that pair of expensive shoes that you've always wanted.  Nor what color of nail polish you should buy next, or what to eat for dinner.  I'm talking about decisions that would have the type of impact that will change your life and you're not sure if it's for the better or worse.  

I feel like I'm in that boat and I have no idea which sail to use so the winds can carry me onward.  I wish I could just find that letter in my mailbox to tell me where I need to point myself.  Where is my golden compass?  

The job that I had applied and had interviewed for has been taken off the table so to speak.  Apparently there is a 'hiring freeze' on numerous floors at the hospital where I work.  Gee, thanks.  However, I am hearing through the grapevine that the 'freeze' is slowly being lifted which is a good thing but I caught wind that a night shift person, who has been there only a year after his graduation is moving into a day position.  I am assuming that it's the very one that I had interviewed for and was hoping to obtain.  I guess being a dedicated employee for the last seven years on that very floor holds no bearing.  Thanks again.  

I had some more follow up tests for my cat.  Blood work, a UA screening, medications, X-rays and and ultrasound plus seven hundred dollars overall for this adventure.  Lab results are excellent considering that he's 17 years old now.  However, the X-ray and the subsequent ultrasound indicated a small mass in his stomach along with thickening of his bowel.  Thus, the puking, the on-again-off-again appetite and lack of daily bowel movements which lead to constipation issues.  Poor kitty.  So now the question is do I put my old man through a surgery to which he would most likely recover nicely, to remove the mass in question and part of his thickened bowel?  It is not known if this mass is cancerous until it is removed.  And if it is cancerous then there is concern that it might trigger the cancer to spread to the lymph system which would be horrible.  That would be a slow death sentence altogether.  Or do we treat the underlying cause with steroids and laxatives and possibly antibiotics later on down the road.  I have no idea how much longer he would live with or without the surgery.  He seems to be doing really well despite having a shaved belly at this time.  And I don't even want to think about the cost.  We would be talking a couple of thousand for the surgery.  I wish he could tell me what he would want.  

I've toyed with the idea of moving to another city and starting over.  Now that I have my 'super secret spy numbers' behind my name, I'm more employable now than I have ever been.  I love the idea of moving to a different city to explore and plant my roots.  And on the selfish side, I can rediscover a place that I can call my own without my mother following me and outdoing all that I have set out to do because she wanted to reclaim her life as well after being in a marriage that she wasn't truly happy about.  But, that is a totally different psychoanalysis that I will avoid.  However, moving to a new city has many obstacles.  It's really hard to meet people and make friends when you're new.  It's taken me a really long time to get established here, and I have really great friends, and new ones at that via nursing school that I don't want to lose.  I feel like I'm finally coming into a good place in my life and I don't want to give that up just yet.  But there is a part of me that feels like it would be the right thing to do for me.  Leaving Asheville and moving on somewhere else.  The other downside is being a new grad, I would most definitely be out of my comfort zone, especially when it comes to work.  I'd be without my work family and most likely get the crappy night shifts and crappy floors that will do nothing but leave a nasty taste in my mouth for my work, which in turn will make me hungry for my glory days as a bartender.  I wish I could have enough confidence in myself to follow through a new adventure such as relocating.  It could be a really great thing, or it could be a really horrible thing.  And I can't decide which one it would be.  Too many unknown answers.  Sure do wish I knew which road to take this time.  

Wonder if I should take that left turn at Albuquerque.  elizinashe

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

How Green Are You?

Are you a jealous person?  Do you know that you are a jealous person or does it just come out when you get to that bridge?  How do you deal with that 'little green monster'?  

And when that jealousy rears its ugly head how do you react?  And who is on the receiving end of that jealousy?  

I've always had a mild jealous streak but not the point of being one of those crazy, stalker illogical type persons.  Most of my jealousy lies within insecurity and when I get past that insecure feeling then that stupid jealous feeling goes away.  And then I feel stupid.  

However, I have come across an issue that I thought I'd never encounter and my immediate reaction was some anger.  Probably rooted in jealousy.  Maybe betrayal.  But mostly anger I feel, which is horrible.  This new thing is tied to my mother which I have always battled anger issues with, mostly due to family trauma and in part, in her selfishness which in the past has really hurt my feelings.    I'm trying to keep an open mind about all of this but it's rather hard at this moment.  I will know more this evening, as long as I get this huge tree branch removed from my driveway.  Maybe that's the universe's way of distracting me and giving myself time to get over this temper tantrum that I feel like I'm trying to express.  Childish?  Maybe.  It's one big psychoanalysis.  

I think for the most part, this little green monster of mine is more like the rabid dog trying to protect my mother.  I may have issues with my parents and extended family but when it comes to someone seemingly invading their life with potential of hurting them emotionally and/or financially then I will go for the jugular towards that person.  I am fiercely protective of those I love even though I have a hard time showing that love in everyday situations.  Trust me.  If you screw with my friends or family you better start running.  

I'm hoping that this is just a passing ship that will keep on cruising.  I'm not sure how I will feel if this new boat decides to dock and stay for a while.  It can't be a good thing.  Or maybe it will.  Trying to be adult about this new scenario.  I will know more soon enough I suppose.  More to come as I continue to ride this wave.  Ugh.  elizinashe