Late Night Reflections

 This time last year, I was a mess.  

This time last year was a first.

This time last year I cried every tear.

This time last year I often pretended .

This time last year I was numb.  

This time last year I did not know how to do it all alone.


So much has changed.  Like for real.  In a blink of an eye it seems.  Hell, anything can change in a blink of an eye.  I know that for a fact and had learned that from experience at a young age, 15 to be exact.


But Life moved on, and sometimes very painfully so.  And I moved on as well.  The best way I knew how in that given time.  I survived.  


Fast forward to many, many moons later and I find myself making life altering decisions for my mother.  A role that I knew would be mine and mine alone, however there is nothing that you could ever do to prep yourself for that given moment.  For that phone call you receive . For the emotions that come rolling in as you try and comprehend what is being said to you while you try and compute all the information and fight to keep your rational brain from falling apart.   What a duet it becomes.


I really can't remember much of last Christmas.  I just existed.  Luckily I was away from work.  Luckily my father and I agreed that he needed to wait until Spring before he came out to "help" and visit due to the pandemic.  The numbers then were rising and the expectation of a vaccine was nowhere close in the near future.  Traveling was just not a smart decision and I am glad my father was comfortable with staying back in the home state.  And as selfish as it sounds, I was thankful that I had all that time to myself to regroup and find some peace of mind.  


I am sure there were phone calls to check on me.  Cards, letters, emails and texts.  I really just don't remember much.  It was all a blur.  


But wasn't 2020 all a blur anyway?


But then, New Year's Day came and per my tradition, I go to my local hangout for the traditional New Year's Day feast.  And well....let's just say it has turned out to be a lucky and fulfilling year for me.  Now don’t  get me wrong, I still have days that I struggle and there is still so much to do to close my mother's estate. I still breakdown and cry.  And cry a lot.  Every single tear.   I still stress out about it all and there are days that I feel like it will never end-but what the New Year brought to me is much Love, Joy, Compassion, Support and Laughter.  And I could not ask for anything better than that.


I look forward to New Year's Day 2022-as scary as that may seem- but if it's anything what 2021 brought to me for this past year then I will gladly take another plateful of that!  


Until next time...elizinashe