|Ever Feel Like This?|
I have much to do adult wise but I get distracted and overwhelmed and then I don't want to follow through with what needs to be done. Like scheduling a physical, as I have procrastinated on that task for way too long. And being that I've waited too long, the fear of something bad is going on in my body is growing. And then I begin to think about how will I manage my affairs if I am sick? What will I do about my bills? How will I cope and more importantly how will I deal with my parents freaking out? Because I know they will. Jesus...not a boat I want to be stuck in.
Speaking of parents, they are aging and in relatively good health but my mother has had more issues lately and that kind of worries me. She acts as if she's in a hurry to get all her affairs in order and get rid of junk from the house so I don't have to deal with it. And my dad...well he still asks about her when we speak and still tries to communicate with her despite their divorce. He's already said that he'd remarry her in a heartbeat if she was willing. But I know that is the last thing that she'd ever want. And that makes me sad for my father. If anything does happen to her, it will kill him. And I'd have to pick up those pieces. Somehow. Oh, did I mention my dad lives over nine hundred miles away? Yeah...add the distance thing in the mix and it gets more complicated.
Speaking of dad, I hate that he lives alone. For the most part, he's doing really well. But he's in need of cataract surgery and the flexibility of my schedule, or shall I say inflexibility it seems makes traveling back home to help him is a bit difficult. I'm sure he will be fine. His neighbor can take him to the appointment he says but I have moments where I question this neighbors "good deeds" when it comes to helping my dad. Don't get me wrong, my father still has his cahoots about him and his mind is still sharp, but I have a feeling that he will be the one to lose is logic and a functioning brain. And being that I primarily work with dementia patients and see how families struggle with the care of their loved one it makes me a bit anxious. I don't want to be the one to manage that shit. And to complicate matters even further, I am the only surviving child between my parents. My brother died unexpectedly when he was twenty so that left me. I'm stuck with the responsibility and I really hate that. Really.
I have really good friends and I am so thankful for that. My cousins keep in touch via Facebook but I haven't seen any of them in years. If it weren't for Facebook we'd probably never really talk. And that' sad. They all have their own shit to deal with, and some of them I wouldn't even think of asking them for help. I think they might be a bit more screwy than myself. So....what do I do? I've got a really good friend who has already lost her mother a few years back. She's been through the mess single handedly. I know she will be a voice and guide for me. At least I have that.
So as I troll through reruns of a stupid show I stop to write and complain. I'm too awake to sleep but too restless and frustrated to clean or tackle that many projects that have been ignored for way too long. That sort of thing never ends so I need to get over that. Guess my expectations are a bit unrealistic on that end. I know it does not do my any good to stress about this stuff now. I don't know why I allow these thoughts to make camp in my head. It drives me nuts. I guess I should just embrace it and allow it to pass until the next worrisome thoughts make a home. Ugh...Hopefully the next batch of mind monsters will be a much happier one. Until next time...elizinashe
|I Need Some of This!|