Wednesday, June 20, 2018

And The Wheels Keep Turning

Ever Feel Like This?
It's been hot here this week.  Ugh...it makes me cranky.  And frustrated.  I haven't been able to focus on much of anything but my brain won't let me rest.  It keeps spinning in a anxiety provoking cycle.  I really hate it when that happens.

I have much to do adult wise but I get distracted and overwhelmed and then I don't want to follow through with what needs to be done.  Like scheduling a physical, as I have procrastinated on that task for way too long.  And being that I've waited too long, the fear of something bad is going on in my body is growing.  And then I begin to think about how will I manage my affairs if I am sick?  What will I do about my bills?  How will I cope and more importantly how will I deal with my parents freaking out?  Because I know they will.  Jesus...not a boat I want to be stuck in. 

Speaking of parents, they are aging and in relatively good health but my mother has had more issues lately and that kind of worries me.  She acts as if she's in a hurry to get all her affairs in order and get rid of junk from the house so I don't have to deal with it.  And my dad...well he still asks about her when we speak and still tries to communicate with her despite their divorce.  He's already said that he'd remarry her in a heartbeat if she was willing.  But I know that is the last thing that she'd ever want.  And that makes me sad for my father.  If anything does happen to her, it will kill him.  And I'd have to pick up those pieces.  Somehow.  Oh, did I mention my dad lives over nine hundred miles away?  Yeah...add the distance thing in the mix and it gets more complicated. 

Speaking of dad, I hate that he lives alone.  For the most part, he's doing really well.  But he's in need of cataract surgery and the flexibility of my schedule, or shall I say inflexibility it seems makes traveling back home to help him is a bit difficult.  I'm sure he will be fine.  His neighbor can take him to the appointment he says but I have moments where I question this neighbors "good deeds" when it comes to helping my dad.  Don't get me wrong, my father still has his cahoots about him and his mind is still sharp, but I have a feeling that he will be the one to lose is logic and a functioning brain.  And being that I primarily work with dementia patients and see how families struggle with the care of their loved one it makes me a bit anxious.  I don't want to be the one to manage that shit.  And to complicate matters even further, I am the only surviving child between my parents.  My brother died unexpectedly when he was twenty so that left me.  I'm stuck with the responsibility and I really hate that.  Really. 

I have really good friends and I am so thankful for that.  My cousins keep in touch via Facebook but I haven't seen any of them in years.  If it weren't for Facebook we'd probably never really talk.  And that' sad.  They all have their own shit to deal with, and some of them I wouldn't even think of asking them for help.  I think they might be a bit more screwy than myself.  So....what do I do? I've got a really good friend who has already lost her mother a few years back.  She's been through the mess single handedly.  I know she will be a voice and guide for me.  At least I have that. 

So as I troll through reruns of a stupid show I stop to write and complain.  I'm too awake to sleep but too restless and frustrated to clean or tackle that many projects that have been ignored for way too long.  That sort of thing never ends so I need to get over that.  Guess my expectations are a bit unrealistic on that end.  I know it does not do my any good to stress about this stuff now.  I don't know why I allow these thoughts to make camp in my head.  It drives me nuts.  I guess I should just embrace it and allow it to pass until the next worrisome thoughts make a home.  Ugh...Hopefully the next batch of mind monsters will be a much happier one.  Until next time...elizinashe
I Need Some of This!

Sunday, June 17, 2018

No One is Immune

Give Them Support
We've all heard about the Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain suicides.  We've all heard about other well known people from recent times and in the glory days taking their own life or dying because of an accident related to unhealthy lifestyle choices.  And I'm not just talking about food and lack of exercise folks.  I'm talking about addiction. 

I've recently learned that a guy I knew a long time ago passed away about three years ago at home.  Now the circumstances that we knew each other were quite unusual and we were never really close but he left a wonderful impression on me and I have happy memories of our times together.  He moved back home a long time ago, but I've always wondered how he was and what his life had become. 

I was very sad to learn that after years of sobriety, he had relapsed on alcohol and died as a result.  My nursing skills can only give me a couple of outcomes but regardless it couldn't have been a peaceful death.  I'm very bothered by this information but I glad I know.  Sort of.  Jason was a really good person and had a big heart.  I knew he could do some drinking, but that was back in the day when we were all young, free and in our twenties.  The kind of behavior that would not be so shocking for the time.  Although, I had some suspicions back then that he could drink more than most and that is never a good thing. 

I'm pretty bummed about this.  Seriously.  Addiction knows no boundaries.  You don't have to be pond scum to become an addict.  It's not all what you see on T.V. or those horrible commercials that used to play showing some bum holding a paper bag sleeping in the alley.  Addiction is real.  That's all there is to it. 

I've had other friends and family who struggle with their own issues.  Some have gotten help, others not so much.  It's a horrible cycle.  And I see it all the time.  Especially working in the kind of environment that I do.  Addiction is real.  And so are people. 

What needs to be understood is that showing those scare tactic signs/commercials don't work.  Forcing someone into rehab doesn't always work.  Interventions?  I think all that does is piss the addict off but my hope is that it will shed light on the one who is suffering that there are people who care about them.  You need to build trust.  Trust is a huge thing.  

Addicts will remain addicts, whether it be food, drink, pills, needles or even cigarettes until they are ready to confront their demons and get clean.  Otherwise they are living on borrowed time.  There are communities that support clean needle exchanges and safe havens for use.  As crazy as it seems, I support that.  I'm not endorsing use, but I will endorse safe practice.  I support the halfway houses and safe havens for pregnant mothers who are on a detox protocol from meth, opiates and alcohol so they can have medical care and be surrounded by other pregnant mothers who are in the same boat.  Otherwise, they will continue to be on the streets and abuse their poison of choice which does nothing but put their unborn baby in serious danger.  Yes, methadone and suboxxone, a typical pharmacutical plan for detox, can have effects on the baby as well but it is less damaging for the baby than the street drugs and with close monitoring the outcome can be way more beneficial than the alternative. 

It's the lesser of evils folks.  I think that's the more important thing to focus on than to shame and condemn the addict.  You have no idea what their daily struggle may be.  You have no idea what's inside of their head.  You have no idea of their demons.  We as a community, as a society need to recognize that addicts have a voice and all they want is to be heard.  We as a community need to understand that addicts need our support in their struggle.  Not encouragement to continue to use  but support in understanding that it's a very difficult fight everyday.  It's not an easy path to walk.  And when recovery does become a choice then the healing for all can begin.  And if they falter, then the understanding that we all are human and the addiction is a beast of it's own needs to be recognized.  It does nothing to help when you begin to criticize.  All that does is break trust.  And having a good trusting relationship is everything to an addict.  If there isn't any kind of trust, with any relationship, addict or not, then nothing will heal or move forward. 

Now I totally understand when friends and family have exhausted everything to the nth degree.  I understand at some point, sometimes you just have to walk away.  There are times for that and I don't blame anyone who does.  Friends and family who are affected by an addict have their own struggles too.  I get that.  They too need to be heard and supported.  Sometimes you just have to walk away.  And that is a very hard thing to do.  No doubt about that.  Addiction affects everyone.  

I am not a perfect person folks.  I do not have all the answers.  But what I do know is that addiction really does affect many, many people regardless of the relationship.  I am so very sad to hear about my friend.  And apparently he was in town a year prior to his death.  I wish I had run into him.  It would have been good to reminisce about our younger days.  It sure does suck.  RIP Jason...you are missed.    Until next time...elizinashe
Truth

Tuesday, May 29, 2018

And the Journey Continues...

Packed and Ready
Twenty years ago this month I packed up my two bedroom apartment, loaded up my car with two kitties and hit the road East on I-40 with a moving truck behind me.  I was on a two day road trip to Asheville to follow a dream without even knowing if I would pass or fail.  I just went on Faith.

There were many times in that first year that I thought "What the Hell have I done?"  Money was tight, I knew two people and was working a lot to keep the bills paid.  There were many times that I was quite lonely and afraid but then those moments would lift when the unexpected and happy little things would float my way and then I would think "Okay...this is good.  I'm good. " 

I didn't work for about two weeks when I first arrived.  I had saved enough money and was quite aware of not spending more than necessary.   I wanted to have some time to settle in my new place and become familiar with the town.  And take some time to explore that mountains that had called my name. 

Memorial Day weekend had come and I decided to revisit Chimney Rock State Park as I had done before so many years ago with my family.  But this time I was going to explore as much as I could, as the quick stop we made when I was small was very limited because we needed to keep traveling.  I took off in my car and made a lovely and leisurely short drive to the Lake Lure area and spend some time at a work of nature.
Yep...I Did That

I don't think I've been to the park since.  I think I need to make another trip soon and celebrate the anniversary.  I've had a lot of good years here and I've had some really bad ones too.  I'm just glad I have survived it all.  Taking that "leap of faith" was the scariest thing I've ever done for myself but it was also the best thing I've ever done and I'm so glad I did.  I think I'm a much better person for doing so.  Makes me wonder what the next twenty years has in store for me.  I hope it's good.  Gotta keep the faith on that.  Until next time...elizinashe


Thursday, May 24, 2018

Demons

Sending It To The Wind
Is there anything from your past that still haunts you?  Like a bad relationship or a bad choice?  Maybe a trauma related event or family strife?  Bad job?  Horrible roommate?  Something that had a negative impact on your life.  I am certain that we all have had something horrible happen because you just can't go through life without some kind of bad experience.  If you say you haven't then you're lying. 

Although you may have moved on and recovered from the event, does it still haunt you?  Does it lie dormant in your brain for weeks, months, years only to rear its head again and roam around in your thoughts and emotions?  Or have you totally forgotten about it?  Does it still bother you? 

I know it sounds all a bit cryptic without giving away too many details but it's just a little something that's been bothering me lately.  I myself have had bad experiences but it seems lately that there is one that keeps bugging and nagging at me that's just becoming too difficult to shake off. 

I feel like I've moved on from the said events and forgiven those involved but there are times that the memories surrounding all that mess return and fill up my head with anger and frustration.  Ugh...and it doesn't leave easily.  Maybe I haven't forgiven those involved?   Maybe I haven't moved on?  I don't know.  All I know is that I don't like what's been swimming in my head and in my dreams.  And it's beginning to take a toll on my mentality.  I think I need to make a change about that because if I don't I will most certainly dwell on this shit for too long and I'm afraid the mess in my head won't ever leave.  And I don't like living that way.  I've got too many other positive things to cross off my bucket list and I'd much rather be thinking about that.  Wouldn't you?  Thanks for listening.  Until next time...elizinashe
I Want to Focus On This! 

Monday, May 21, 2018

Night Shifter Blues

It Never Ends Does It?
As I have said before, I really don't mind working nights.  In fact, I think I prefer it compared how the days are on the unit.  And I really love my work family.  We are a special breed that's for sure. 

But...in the off time it makes your private life a bit wonky.  Can't really do yard work at night.  It can be done but I know I'm not going to do it.  Plus, with the creatures that roam around in the wee hours it would totally creep me out.  I have a small list of "handy man" things that need to be tackled, as I have procrastinated but unless I find a fellow night owl, those tasks have proven to be difficult to complete.  Have I mentioned how much I hate to clean floors and bathrooms?  Sheesh...again...I wish I could find someone to do that for me.  I've gotten that lazy about household duties like that.  Keeping fingers crossed that I will be able to afford a maid to come clean the said floors and bathrooms someday.  I absolutely hate it. 

And there's the "too much alone time" factor.  Yes, I could get a roommate but I haven't had one in many, many years.  I do much better having friends spend the night or visit for the weekend vs. having someone around full time.  If I ever become involved in a relationship, I don't know how I would cope if we moved in together.  I don't know if I'd even want that at this point in my life.  Maybe if it were the right person.  Guess the future holds that answer.  I think I've been single way too long. 

Some would say get another pet.  Yes...I hear that.  But I'm just not ready for that world just yet.  I miss my old man kitty but it's getting easier and has been easier.  I'm just not ready for that kind of emotional involvement.  Maybe someday I will be ready for another four pawed companion as I do love having a pet in my home. 

I know I'm not the only night shifter who struggles with such issues.  I just wish that I could reboot my body clock more quickly so I can be more functional. Or at least feel more functional.   I wish that I could go to bed at a decent hour in my off time.  But then again, the wee hours are mine.  It's peaceful, calm and mine to wonder of all the possibilities. I do see creatures in the night, I see the stars shinning bright in the sky, I see cars come and go and then the nosy neighbor in me goes in defense mode.  haha...Gotta make sure my hood stays safe!  

Yes, working nights has it's perks.  I thought I'd hate it but I've found my niche I believe.  And if working nights is the trade off then I guess that's okay.  I'm glad I have this blog that's for sure. It gives me comfort regardless of the time of day and that's a good thing.  Until next time...elizinashe
Looking Forward to This

Wednesday, May 9, 2018

How Gullible Are You?

Crazy Shit Overload
Ahh...social media.  It's a love/hate relationship. 

I am guilty of spending time on social media myself, mostly just to keep up with friends and family, share fun moments and post silly things but my word...some of the other stuff that people post never ceases to amaze me. 

Some things are a bit too much TMI.  Other stuff is so angry that I just have to keep scrolling or block the site it originated from itself.  Others....well I've "snoozed" people on the simple fact that the stuff that they post is so blatantly false and one sided that it makes my stomach turn.  And the sad fact is that these such people actually believe it to be true.  How dumb are you?  Are you really that gullible?  Or are you just too lazy to do some research to see if what you are sharing is indeed FACT. 

Facts people...FACTS!  This is something you were taught in school.  Has modern technology and social media poisoned your brain that much?  AND...most of these people who post such nonsense are older than myself so you know that they were taught with FACTS with pen and paper and researched by the Dewy Decimal system and encyclopedias.  No computers for you. 

 I can understand the younger generation because they didn't grow up like we did.  They didn't use typewriters or White Out on their term papers.  They didn't watch the news during dinnertime. Many parents worked multiple jobs so the family time suffered.  Poor boundaries and little consequences to unwanted behaviors perhaps?  The younger generation grew up with cell phones, computers, on-line videos, advanced video games, etc.  I wonder how much time those kids today played outside vs. playing inside.   But geeze....you older folks.  GET A GRIP! 

And what kills me is when you do point out that what they believe to be true is indeed FAKE they get all mad.  Whatever happened to discussion?  Have we lost our ability to reason?  Have we lost the ability to listen and compromise?  Sheesh! 

Why are there so many stupid people?  Do you really believe all that you see without even considering an alternative?  If you saw that the latest trend was to run out in traffic during rush hour on the grounds protesting car pollution would you do it?  If you saw that an untrustworthy nation declared peace throughout the world and wanted to sing Kum Ba Yah while holding hands would you believe that they are no longer considered a threat?  What about all the movie stars who proclaimed that they would move to another country after the election?  Have they done it yet? 

Sheesh!  WAKE UP PEOPLE!!!   Do your homework before you go posting your "truth" and all that other bullshit you spread. All that does is poison the minds of others who allow it because they are too lazy to do any research and they look for the easy way out.  If it's online then it must be true! 

As for myself, I will continue to check my facts, avoid posting stupid shit and continue to block fake and offensive sites and yes...I will block you if I feel the need.  And I will have no shame in doing so.  I'd much rather share silly photos, fun videos and awful jokes because I'd rather laugh and feel happy in this crazy world.  Wouldn't you?  Okay...rant over.  Until next time...elizinashe.
I Want to See More of This Please!

Monday, April 23, 2018

The Heart of Relationships

Combination Please
Who holds the key to your heart?  Has the ever been one?  Maybe two?  And for the one who broke your heart, have you forgiven that person or do you still hold ill will?

These are things that run through my head as I binge watch reruns of "Sex and the City" on t.v.   I was never one to follow this show in it's hey day but I must say it is quite addicting.  Girls, drinks, clothes, men, relationships, food, careers and oh yeah....sex.  That's pretty much it.

But I've caught it in the "Aiden" season.  The one with John Corbett.  (sigh).  The dreamy side of me gets all caught up in the drama of "why in the Hell did Carrie dump Aiden?".  Dang...if I had an Aiden I'd keep him for sure.  But, it's "Big" that keeps haunting Carrie throughout the series as they, Carrie and "Big", have a complicated friendship/relationship that never seems to be solidified.  Apparently they do eventually get together, Carrie & Big, and the series makes a final ending.  And the viewers finally learn what "Big's" real name is, to which I still  have no idea.  Guess I could Google that. 

My point is, relationships are difficult.  It seems that the Aiden and Carrie days were filled with insecurity, selfish fights and fear as Carrie had previously broke Aiden's heart but then decided that she "wanted him back".  Huh?  Mostly because she was missing him?  Or the relationship?  That's the issue.

It makes me think how do I view relationships and how I pursue them or have pursued them in the past.  These days I just don't make too much of an effort as the men I have met really aren't worth the chase.  I've learned to recognize red flags and drama which I no longer do.  I'd rather be alone.  But I also question do I have an unrealistic idea of what a relationship should be?  Or an unrealistic idea of what I want my relationship should be?  And then when those expectations are not met do I deem the guy "not for me'?  Maybe in my younger days, but I really don't know in this stage of my life.  I hope to have a wonderful relationship some day but my expectations are not that hopeful.  Am I fighting the dreamy vs. reality?  Or have I given up?

Now, I know this all may seem silly since I am taking these thoughts from a self indulgent television series, but I will say there are a few good scruples in the series.  A few.  I am certain that there are other television shows that are much more shallow that I would gravitate towards if I watched them and allow that show to infiltrate my mind.   At least I recognize that.

So how do you view relationships?  What or who inspires your relationship views?  An how have your thoughts on relationships changed?  Or have they remained the same?  Or do you know?
Just a few thoughts to ponder as I continue binge watching some show about a bunch of women living in New York.  They sure do make it look easy.  That's television for ya.  Until next time...elizinashe
A Very Common Relationship