Sunday, September 8, 2019

Dare I Do It?

I Dig This
As usual, I'm awake.  It's dark, semi-cloudy, quiet and cool outside.  It's rather a peaceful feeling when I step out on my deck. 

I fell asleep after I ate dinner.  Slept too long really therefore the disruption in my circadian rhythm.  It's not that unusual for me to be up this late anyway, but it sure does delay other adult responsibilities that need to be tackled in daytime hours.  Or shall I say the self-imposed duties that I expect myself to complete within a certain time frame.  And then when I don't, I feel guilty.  I need to work on that.  The guilt that is.

I've been having some pretty wicked dreams too as of late.  And not necessarily nice ones.  I can pretty much figure out what my subconscious is fighting or struggling with is more like it.  It is very clear to me that certain things of my past are haunting me more than expected.  I thought I was past it all.  Or at least had dealt with it the best way I could.  And it's beginning to mess with my head in my waking hours.  I think it's time for some therapy.  But even the thought of that stresses me out due to time management rather than the therapy itself.  I've had therapy before and it was truly helpful.  I think it's time.

The times when I'm up this late and the wee hours of the night grow closer to dawn, I toy with the idea to stay up, see the sunrise and just start my day anew, and attempt to get those adulting responsibilities done.  In a sleep deprived state.  I've know other night shifters who just stay up when they can't sleep or do their grocery shopping and then take a short nap in the afternoon when needed.  Some just stay up all day and then go to bed after dinner.  And then power sleep.  I don't know if I can function like that.  I've thought about it, but my fear is when I take that afternoon nap, I will just keep sleeping and then wake up late at night and then I am back where I started.  Dare I do it?  I think not.  At least not this time.

Hopefully I will find some balance in the coming days.  I have much to scratch off on my self imposed list.  I've had many other posts running in my head to hammer out but not much motivation to write.  I've been wallowing...I need to swim out of that mess.  I don't want to drown in this funk of mine.  It's getting tiresome.  I will send my requests to the Universe and look forward.  It's the only way to go don't ya think?  Until next time...elizinashe
I Need Some of This

Wednesday, August 21, 2019

Random Ramblings...

Beauty in Sadness ?
My mind tends to race and ramble when I need to be calm.  A lot of it happens at home when I'm alone and awake in the wee hours of the night.  Especially when I need to sleep.  Anyone else have that problem?

My dad will be 81 years old in November.  He lives in Arkansas, which is quite the trip.  I am thankful that he is in good health and is able to live independently still.  But I know the day will come when he will need help and I'm not sure how that is going to fall into place.  I worry about his mentality as he has said and done things in the past, and the recent past that gives me worry.  However, I feel like I will not know until it's bad.  I hope and pray that what neighbors he has, and what church members are still living will contact me when things begin to go awry.  I don't want to be that shitty adult kid that ignores her parents.  I just can't be that way but I also know that I will need lots of help and I have no idea where the help will come from.  Sometimes it's really hard to keep the Faith and have the peace of mind that it will all work out.  I pray that I will find the strength and capacity to cross that hurdle when that day comes.

I've never understood why we call people of color "minorities".  You know, the "non-white" folks.  Why is that?  Just because your skin is darker than mine does not make you stupid, beneath me or pond scum. I am no better than you.  Aren't we all pink inside?  So why is it that the white man decided to label other races minorities?  Shouldn't we, the white man, be the minority?  The Native American Indians were here first were they not?  And they were "of color".  So why not consider us white people minorities too?  Just a thought.  Too much of a "hot button" topic?

Work...it's a love/hate relationship is it not?  I am proud that I put myself back through school and gotten a better and more lucrative degree but the healthcare system is going down the tubes.  More and more smaller hospitals are closing, the "for profit" hospitals continue to cut staffing ratios which does nothing for the patients nor is it supportive of staff.  Burnout is high.  And despite the thousands of nurses and other healthcare workers making noise, nothing will change until the powers that be in Congress make changes and stop taking money from big dollar donors and big Pharma for their own personal gain.  People are going to die unnecessarily.  You don't have to work in healthcare to make some noise.  And I suggest you do so loud and clear.

So I finally got my "smart tv" hooked up, got the landline internet switched to Wi-Fi but I have yet to totally yank my cable package.  I'm still learning the apps on my tv, plus I kind of like channel surfing.  I get bored rather easy so binge watching multiple movies is difficult.  I have done some binge watching a couple of tv shows but it took me a two or three months to complete the seasons.  Again...it's hard to focus sometimes.  Plus, I do like my local news on occasion and I need to keep abreast on the national news as much as I hate to do so.  I can only stomach so much of it.  But I think we are all in that boat.  Anyone else struggle with cutting the cord?  What are some of your favorite apps and shows to watch?

And so that's it folks.  What are some of your random ramblings?  Curious minds what to know.  Until next time...elizinashe.
A Quiet Night

Thursday, August 15, 2019

A Celestial Request

Hello Moon !
It's a full moon tonight.  Looks wonderful too.  For the first time in many nights, I feel good despite my mentality the last few days, perhaps weeks, and even better from earlier today.  I've been in a bit of a funk lately and have been fully aware of it.  Sometimes you just have to move through it in order to get out to the other side.  Fingers crossed my mental funk continues to be on the upswing.

My hope is that the full moon will pull on all those negative thoughts and feelings out of my soul and toss it out to the sea, despite the miles that keep me from the ocean.  I need to believe that.  And I need to feel that too.  I've always said if you want something then you need to give it to the Universe.  And then do the work as well.  I'm working on "the work" too.  I have to make things happen for me but I do believe that there are higher powers that come along to help and guide you on your journey. 

 I'm tired of allowing the demons in my head dictate my mood. Sometimes it's hard that's for sure. But I remain hopeful that I will continue to persevere and move through this Life with the gusto and confidence that I crave.  I remain hopeful that the hurdles that will cross my path will be easy to jump and navigate, because I know that they will come.  They always do.  I remain hopeful that tomorrow will be a better day.  I remain hopeful.  Don't you?  Until next time...elizinashe
A Very Important Key to Have on Your Chain

Sunday, August 11, 2019

You Would Think...

Night Owl Sights
Welp...I'm awake...

I was up late last night, did not go to be until the wee hours but that's pretty normal for that first "turn around day".  Tonight, or earlier on Saturday night, as it's after midnight and officially Sunday, I went out to dinner with some friends, had some drinks, went to a comedy show, topped off the festivities with some desert and a glass of wine.  It was a lovely time. 

I got home, began to feel sleepy and thought for sure, I'd be in bed before 2AM, which I did, but I have yet to fall asleep.  My mind keeps wandering.  And my belly is really full.  Perhaps too full.  Maybe that's why I can't sleep.  And I feel fat.  To which, I am gaining weight and that bothers me too.  Doesn't make me any less of a person, or less attractive, but it bothers me nonetheless. 

I am thankful for my friends and fun nights out, but it sure does suck sometimes being the only single person in the group.  Maybe that's a good thing anyway, I don't know.  At least it's not a issue that any of us focus on.  Maybe I'm not meant to be in a relationship.  I really don't count on it much these days anyway.

I have much to tackle in the next few days and not much motivation to get it all started.  I've been in a "responsible adult" rut lately and getting back into the groove of things makes me feel frustrated.  And I hate it when I get in these kinds of moods.  I just need to start on one thing and go from there.  I hope I find that motivation otherwise I will keep procrastinating and then it will be that much worse.  Ugh..where is my magic wand?

Hopefully by writing it all out will shove all the bugs in my head that's keeping me awake and annoyed.  Tomorrow is another day...I'm hoping for a new leaf.  The seasons will change soon enough.  Maybe then I will find a new mojo.  Until next time...elizinashe
Ready for a New Beginning

Monday, July 29, 2019

Guess What...

A Late Night Hoot
It's 3AM and I'm wide awake.  Shocker I know.

I sometimes feel guilty for being up so late in my off time from work.  My downfall is that I usually fall asleep for a little while after I eat dinner, which includes a beer or wine so that adds to a sleepiness factor.  I know that.  But then...I'm up for the rest of the night.  Now I typically don't sleep for too long post meal but it still disrupts my rhythm.  I wonder how many other night shifters struggle with this issue.  Surely I'm not the only one. 

I don't mind it too terribly much.  I don't schedule appointments or activities early in the day, even when I did work daytime hours, I don't have kids so I don't need to rush them back and forth to school and I'm single so there's no worry about keeping my other half awake. 

But the late night hours can get lonely.  Sometimes it gives your mind too much time to spin and recycle crap that does not need to keep a home in your head.  I've been struggling with that too.  Hell, even the daytime hours can be spent recycling that crap in your head which does nothing for the betterment of my mood.  I hate that part.

On the flip side, stepping out on the deck in the wee hours of the night can be rather cleansing.  I've seen some wild creatures take a quick stroll through the neighborhood, done a lot of star gazing, witnessed a satellite burnout in the night sky, embraced the changes of the on-coming seasons and made lots of wishes on shooting stars while the majority of folks are slumbering away.  Guess that's not too bad now is it? 

Now if I could only use my late night hours to clean out some closets then that would be a good thing.  But alas....I procrastinate.  I like my wee hours to be relaxing.  Don't you?  Until next time...elizinashe
Sweet Dreams !

Saturday, July 27, 2019

Procrastination or Laziness ?

Which One Do You Click ?
I wish I could be one of those Type A personalities.  You know, the type that sets out goals, makes a plan, knocks out the said plan and still makes time for social events and makes it all look so easy that it really wasn't any effort at all.  How do they do it? 

I've never been lazy.  In fact, I used to be quite busy and kept a nice routine to keep my life in order.  Then things changed, Life happened and I realized that I wasn't as happy as I thought I had been.  And then other Life events came into play and but a big halt into my routine and forced me into another path.  And that was sort of a good thing.  But it was a challenge. 

I've never been one of those Type A personalities either.  I know my limits.  I have to stop and take time for me.  I've always been aware of that.  I wonder if those Type A's know how to stop.  And are they truly happy?

Regardless, I do have a large bucket list of things that I need to tackle but it all seems so overwhelming.  Some of it is self imposed home improvements, some of it is clearing out my basement which contains a lot of crap that belongs to my mother.  Now, my mother is still alive mind you.  But this is a bunch of crap that my father brought out over a year ago and it's pretty much all still there.  There is furniture that I don't want, antique stuff, loads of knick-knacks, sheet music, mindless junk and an old fireplace mantel that she bought even though we never had a fireplace.  And my mother too has procrastinated about coming to retrieve the said crap.  So it's still there...waiting. 

Sigh...I have ideas on how to get rid of it but the planning is a bit daunting not to mention making it happen.  I just don't want to do it.  It's too much. 

I read an article not too long ago that talks about procrastination.  It's not an issue of being "lazy" per say, but the task itself is attached to negative emotions, which never feels good and therefore that is why we procrastinate.  Whew!  For a moment, I thought I was just being lazy, selfish and irresponsible.  Yes, I'm an adult.  But sometimes I don't feel like one, especially compared to my more successful peers. 

Yes, the basement will get cleaned out.  In time.  Guess I need to take some baby steps.  There's just a lot of emotional baggage attached to it all and I feel very alone in the matter.  And I know in time I will have to clean out both my mother's house and my father's house and that task will be a major effort.  I am certainly not looking forward to that.  I wish I could just pack my stuff up and disappear sometimes therefore I won't have to deal with it or be responsible.  But I'm really not that kind of a person. 

Do I have my lazy days and moments?  Absolutely.  Do I have periods of full-on bucket list task oriented days?  Absolutely.  I just wish I could knock out one smidgen of the seemingly overwhelming tasks.  I think I'd feel so much better about it all.  Until then, I will keep planning in my head and not act on it.  It's worked so far so why stop now?  haha...until next time...elizinashe
One Step At A Time

Wednesday, July 17, 2019

Friends

Friends & Memories
You know how there is that Facebook memory thing?  You know, the thing or things, that you posted a year ago on that particular day.  An anniversary if ya will from the year or years prior.

Well, apparently I posted a quip back in 2009 saying that "met an old friend for the first time today".  And that's it.  Now I have no idea who that friend could have been, but I still like the quote regardless.  Sometimes you meet people for the first time and you immediately know that they are a part of your tribe.  We've all experienced it, right?  There is just something about that person and you know that by some force of nature, the universe lined things up and paths crossed.  I like those moments. 

I've been channel surfing mindlessly as I am awake and bored.  "When Harry Met Sally" is on the tube.  I've seen it a dozen times but I really don't mind watching it again.  You have to admit, it's a good story.  And it's about friendship and love.  You really can't go wrong with that now can you?  It gives me hope that real love and friendship still exists in this day and time.  I may not be overly girly, but there is a bit of a romantic secretly hiding inside.  I just don't do the mushy stuff.  Bleh.  Sorry guys...

I would not be anywhere without my friends.  Seriously.  I'm pretty independent and sometimes stubborn.  Maybe a lot stubborn but I have my insecurities and anxieties for sure.  I do not deny that at all.  But I am so damn thankful for my friends who get that part of me and love that part of me.  I'm told that I'm pretty funny too.  haha...but regardless, my friends are so important to me.  I know I would have a very difficult time navigating this thing called Life if I did not have my peeps.  I hope that I will once again will say "met an old friend for the first time today" many more times in my life.  Because those moments are so very valuable don't ya think?  Until next time...elizinashe
Weird is Good