Tuesday, November 13, 2018

It's Been a While...

Yup.  That's Me!  Circa 1975
Yep, I'm still here.  Just haven't made much time to write.  It seems last month was filled with troubling thoughts and worry.  Unnecessary worry.  And some necessary.  I know I wasn't the only one who felt that way either.  My friend Kim was going through a very similar process.  Again...I think it's due to all the crap that we absorb on a daily basis regardless of the effort to ignore it all and find ways to decompress. 

However, this month so far has been a brighter note.  I've been getting crafty again.  Been on a bit of a spurt and despite my kitchen table being a Holy wreck due to the said crafty binge, it's made me happy and has helped clear my mind.  Maybe there was a change in the air that lifted our troubles away. 

I'm almost done with my Christmas shopping too.  Don't freak out.   I'm really not one of those people who "gets it all done" and then some.  I'm really good at procrastinating.  So, One:  I don't have kids.  Two:  I really don't buy a whole lot for people.  Three:  My parents are retired and trying to get rid of stuff, not collect it.  My gifts for them are real simple.  And that's enough.  I'll most likely spend more money on shipping the three packages I need to send vs. the total amount of what I spent on everybody.  Oh well..that's how it goes these days. 

Every now and then I find an old treasure from the pile of belongings that my dad brought out last year.  Every now and then it brings me joy.  Every now and then it makes me sad.  But a lot of it reminds me of what a history has been weaved into my life thus far.  I had a pretty good childhood compared to others.  It certainly was hard at times and it was certainly tragic too prior to high school.  But ya know...I think I turned out okay. 

So on this cool and previously rainy as Hell day, or shall I say night at this point, I hope this blog finds you well wherever you may be.  I think every now and then I gain a new reader which makes me happy.  I hope they enjoy my rants, cravings and ramblings.  Maybe they will remember my site and return to read and peruse my entries.  I must say I do have some good ones.  I hope to keep that habit up.  Until next time...elizinashe
And Yup.  That's Me!  Circa 2018

Monday, October 8, 2018

Just a Swinging...

Grrr...I Am Bluebird!  Hear Me Roar!
No, I'm not talking about that awful song back in the 80s.  You're welcome.  😉

My mood lately has oscillated from sadness to anger to frustration to sadness to really pissed off to whatever just move the fuck on. 

Our news has been indulated ( am I using that correctly?) by so much hate, bullying, crap, bullshit, lies and the support of all of what I just said.  Or typed in this case.  I just can't stand it.  It truly brings tears to my eyes.  I don't understand how people can be so mean and support so much blatant intolerance and accept that as normal behavior.  I just. don't. get. it.

Once again I've been rejected by a guy whom I thought would be different.  No...I wasn't looking for a ring or anything.  But I did believe that for once, I was going to be one of those girls who would have a guy like the others.  I thought I'd actually have a guy in my world that would be my emotional support, my one-plus, that guy I bring to other "couple things" and plant roots in some sort of relationship.  Nope...he decided to do that "disappearing" act.  You know..they stop calling, or in today's times, stop texting, behaviors change, the body language changes and so on.  Jesus...I may be dumb but I'm not stupid.  And once again, I am the one to confront the matter.  Grow a pair will ya?  Be a man and just own up to it.  What's really sad about the matter is that once I did confront him, I get a very basic generic response.  Wow...not only is it sad but it just makes me more angry.  One, you can't talk to me about it to my face but Two, you give me a cold, unfeeling generic excuse.  Christ...grow some balls will ya?  I am an adult after all.  Pisses me off.

Work...well there are changes in the works.  And I'm afraid it's only going to get more rocky before it gets better.  I try my hardest to delegate appropriately and be fair but this passive/aggressive bullshit that is played upon me is getting really fucking old and I'm sorry to say...there are some things that my "helpers" do not get to decide.  It is my job to run my unit as I see best for the patients and by law.  If you go above my head because it's more convenient for you, because you're burnt out career wise, then it's only going to bite you back in the ass and it won't be me that tells on you.  You're doing it to yourself.  Best learn when it's time to go.  I'm not a vindictive person by any means.  But when it comes to patient and unit safety then it is my job to raise my voice.  I won't be bullied.  Screw you.  I've worked too hard to get where I am today.  You're not going to fuck up my world or my unit just because you are tired of having to do real work.  Get out while you can.

On a lighter note, my mother and a long time family friend who was visiting from Texas came over today for a brief visit and a little tickling of the ivories as they say.  Meaning, playing on my piano.  It was a good visit, short and sweet.  Rediscovered some old family pics too.  That was fun.  Over all, it was a nice, chill day which is something I needed most.  Tomorrow is a whole other ball game.  Glad I had some time to relax.  Those worrisome thoughts will rise up I am sure.  As well as all those emotions.  In the meantime, be kind.  Life is too short to be otherwise.  Until next time...  elizinashe
Happier Days Ahead!

Saturday, October 6, 2018

A Posthumous Post

😎 Yo Daddy-O !  😎
So I wrote this little ditty a few weeks back in the wee hours at work.  I wasn't able to sign in on my blog due to work computer/internet rules so I just wrote it as a document, printed it off and put it in my bag.  I pretty much forgot about it until I rediscovered it and still feel the need to post it.  So here ya go...hope you enjoy.  It's a bit different from my norm.  I kind of like that.


Dead of night, feeling trapped-no windows here.  Sure would like to see what's going on outside. Better yet, I'd like to feel what's going on outside. 


I have many hours to go...no book to read here.  Damn...my mind is blank and wandering at the same time.  How can that be?

I'm trying hard to just "go with it".  New changes in my world. Good things.  But I have forgotten the other things too in my new distraction. Or is it an addition?

Don't know the answer to that yet.  Guess I will find out sooner or later.  The little insecurity monster sure does like to take a few stomps in my head.  And I hate that.  I wish he would go away.  But then there are moments when I'm totally at peace and I have no worries, no fears.  I like those moments.  I also like those little inexplicable boosters to keep me on the right path.  If you catch my drift...

Sounding like a beatnik I am?  Sure do feel that vibe tonight.  Too much Waites maybe.  Maybe it's the weather.  Mother Nature sure does have a tug on me some days.  The spin around the state map certainly is a big one.

Just a few more hours I say as I look at the clock click, click, clicking away with its cheap second hand.  Maybe I will paint it a cheery color.  I think it could use some perking up.

Doo-do-doo my phone says.  I have a message!  Short and sweet it is but a welcomed on for sure.  Strange how things are sometimes.  Still learning about that jazz.  Maybe I was never given the right lesson to begin with.  Or did I flunk it already?  Or multiple times?  Sure is hard to know.

Wish I were in San Francisco right now.  That's the kind of vibe I'm feeling tonight.  Wet, foggy streets.  Jazz on the sidewalk.  Smoke from a bar.  Although I think they are all smoke free but you get my drift.  Maybe there's a beatnik trapped inside of me after all.  Maybe that soul is trying to escape.

Edging closer and closer to the next moment.  A brief escape that is-maybe I  feel that Bay are breeze coming across the map.  Maybe the pull of the fog will push this mental much out of my brain.  Makes me want to start snapping my fingers.  Cool, man cool.

Ya dig?

Until next time...elizinashe.
☕ Smooth Man Smooth  ☕

Thursday, September 27, 2018

America

America the Strong
Have you seen that video by Childish Gambino "This is America"?  It's pretty  powerful.  In many aspects.  I have never heard of the guy until I watched Saturday Night Live when he hosted and performed the song.  And then the following Monday he "dropped the video".  I watched it at least three times in a row.  And several times after with a friend.  There's a lot going on in this video and it makes my mind spin with many things.  Many messages to decipher. 

This whole "MeToo" movement....I'm glad it's here.  Been a long time coming.  People are up in arms over the latest accusations over the Supreme Court Justice nominee.  I can understand why, but I too have been a victim of uncomfortable situations many times in my past.  I have been groped, prodded, coerced and guided into situations that I really did not want to be a part of.  Did I tell anyone?  No.  It's a common reaction.  Doesn't take away the gross feeling or the inappropriateness of it all.  Carrying shame will rear it's ugly head at some point.  Whatever the assault, it happens.  And I think women tend to keep it quiet because of the shame, the doubt we put upon ourselves the consequences and lack of belief or support.  And if this guy achieves a seat on our Supreme Court then it will set a tone that won't be a very positive one at all.  How many times have you been drunk and not remembered what had happened for the entire night?  Just saying....

I thought the 2016 campaign was a nightmare.  The tragedies, the shootings, the violence, the hate, the racial discord and lack of empathy astounded me.  It reminded me of what I was taught about the whole Civil Rights stuff back in the 1960s and all that peace & love movement.  I even asked my mom if what we were seeing then compared to anything she saw back her day as she was a young adult and passing her college years into the adult working world.  Her reply was the weapons of choice used by the common American had become more powerful and more deadly.  The most violent incident from her memory was Kent State.  The stuff we were seeing during the campaign was a bit more intense.  So yeah...I guess you could say 2016 was bit like the 1960s if not worse.  She had a hard time wrapping her head around it all just as I did.  And I still shake my head today when I see our current state of affairs.

Our world keeps changing.  What I do see on the horizon, is more people will get out and vote.  More women are taking their power back and taking it to the streets, the polls and to an elected office.  I see more young people making their own stand and screaming out their opinions and concerns.  I see more young people lining up to vote.  I see a hope for a better future but as always it's going to take some time.  I just hope it doesn't take another 20 + years to keep moving forward. 

Elections are coming.  Get out and vote.  I hope you make it a good one.  Until next time...elizinashe

P.S.  If I do this correctly, here is the link to that video I was talking about.  It's worth the view. 

https://youtu.be/VYOjWnS4cMY



Tuesday, September 25, 2018

Heavy Mind, Heavy Heart

Feeling a Bit Like This
It's been a bit of an emotional roller coaster for me tonight.  Lots of adulting things taking hold of my brain.  And lots of tears too.  Sometimes its good to cry.  I think I've needed it for a while.

I love my life.  I really do.  But there have been many priorities that have taken..well..priority and it's beginning to suck really hard.  What the most difficult thing about it all is that it's all on me.  Meaning, I am having to handle this all on my own.  At least financially. And some of that is beginning to suck big time.   The emotional part...well...I have good friends but having an anchor to vent to, to share with, to rely on...not so much.  Even though I've met someone new.  And that's beginning to change a bit I feel and I always go with my gut. Not that I need a guy to rely on but still...I'm feeling very emotionally alone tonight on many levels. 

What I've really been struggling with tonight is not having my brother.  God I miss him.  You go through periods of time when's all is cool and you cope with it all just fine.  And others...well you're just all to pieces.  And that's where I'm pretty much am tonight.  I need his advice.  I need his guidance.  I need his help.  I need his insight on what to do with our parents as they age because at this point, it's all on me.

Now...my parents are just fine these days.  Really.  But I've got my own surprising issues which somewhat frightens me although I know it's mostly likely nothing major, but it's also a reminder of reality.  And I hate that sometimes.  In fact, I really hate it.  At least tonight.  Let's just say that I have a really fucked up body that I have no control over and it can complicate things.  Physically, emotionally, financially, self esteem with an added bonus of intimacy issues as well.  Lucky me. 

Reality is a reminder of what is real and what can never overcome wishful thinking.  At least in my book.  I can't control everything nor can I control the future.  Or even my future.  But what I can control is how I handle what comes to pass.  And right now it's all just overwhelming.  All I know what to do is just allow myself to cry and feel all the feels even though it hurts.  Sometimes it's the only way to come back into your normal self.  If there is such a thing.  haha...Normal that is. 

In the meantime, as I take some intermittent time to sit on my deck on a cloudy, cooler night I embrace the coming change of the seasons.  The weather here is changing and I look forward to my mood and mentality to change right along with tilt of the Earth.  My guess it will be a very good thing. 

I hope the coming Fall shift will be good for us all.  Until next time...elizinashe

Let It All Fall Away

Thursday, September 13, 2018

A Powerful Message

Oh So Pretty!
Many years ago, one of my best friends came to visit along with her son who was quite young at the time.  Not even seven year old if I remember correctly.  He was a very inquisitive and imaginative little thing, carrying a toy ninja sword and a head full of curly hair.  He was a cutie. 

So as we all peruse downtown, we walked into a shop full of giant geodes, amethysts, crystals and petrified bugs in amber.  One of those "natural rock" places where it's all sparkly, shiny and very, very delicate.  The type of shop where you really don't want to take children, especially the hyper ones if you know what I mean.  It was one of those "If you break it, you buy it" type of shops.  But we go in anyway.

Before we entered, my friend told her son to be very mindful of his space and not to touch and pick up anything, which is hard for any kid not to do in any kind of store.  Is it not?  And I must say, this child did so very well.  Oh that curious mind was inspecting all things shiny with intent and wonder.  Some of the pieces were just as tall as he was at the time.  He would get down on the floor and look at the whole thing.  Get really close and would touch them on occasion, but he never picked anything up, ran around in the store nor did he bust out his ninja sword to combat any imaginary monsters that might have lurked around.  Nope, he did very well and did as he was asked. 

On our way out, the store clerk approached the three of us and commented to my friend's son on how well he did in her sparkly shop.  She was impressed as to how well he kept it all together and told him so.  And on that note, she gave him a small crystal from a counter top basket as a reward and a thank you.  The delight on his face was priceless and the message that this shop owner sent to this little boy was more impactful than you could imagine.  I had tears in my own eyes. 

My friend's son said his "thank you" and then squealed with delight once we left the store.  What a treasure he was given.  In many aspects.  I am glad I was there to witness that moment. 

I wish more people would send such powerful and positive messages such as that lady did that day.  Gestures of love and gratitude doesn't always have to be grand.  It's always the little things.  Right?

I wish more people could be a witness to such kind gestures.  Our current state of affairs have become so horrible, or so it seems to me, that I sometimes think that people have forgotten how to be nice.  Or even kind.  I don't get that.  My hope is that there will be more people spreading more positive and powerful messages like this shop owner did that day.  I think we all could use a little crystal.  Don't you?  Until next time...elizinashe
Let's Make Them Soar!


Tuesday, September 11, 2018

A Quiet Gentle Night


Let It Wash Away...
It's late.  All is calm in the neighborhood tonight.  It has started to rain out my way.  A nice, gentle rain to soothe the soul.  No, it's not an opening to a horror flick but it could be, eh?  haha...Halloween is upon us after all. 

One of my favorite movies is on although it's almost over.  I guess you could call it a "chic flick" but the story is a good one.  A story that has three intertwining mini-stories that are connected with some impressive backdrops.  And a couple of very moving scenes that has always spoke volumes to the story.  Or at least to me.  If you're in the mood for a good one, check out "The English Patient."  I don't think you'll regret it.

Many changes in my world.  Mostly good and I'm still learning about all that.  Others...well it's just the normal swing of life.  And that part I'm still learning too.  Life is grand for sure but it never fails to surprise you, both good and bad.

It's been a bit of a prep day for me.  Groceries, gas and the what not.  I still have more to do, but I am thankful that tomorrow will be mostly chill at home, make some necessary calls and prep some crock pot magic for my dinner guest tomorrow.  Maybe I will even stop and take some time to play on the piano for myself, as I have ignored this giant monster that sits in the front room of my home.  My work does take priority and my off time I tend to focus on all those little, stupid adult things instead of making time for things that bring me joy.  I need to work on that.  The joy stuff that is. 

In the meantime, enjoy the coming change of the seasons.  I look forward to Fall and a slower pace as we all seem to be in such a hurry.  Life really is short.  I hope to live a long life and I don't want waste all my time on things that don't really matter.  Trust me, we all have responsibilities and commitments, just don't forget the little things.  Some things can wait.  Until next time...elizinashe.
A Good Nights Sleep