I've been struggling with some of these notions lately and I am beginning to truly doubt myself in my endeavors. Mostly because there has been much disruption during this process plus a few bad, if not horrible clinical days where I just can't seem to be on top of my duties which makes me look, and feel might I add, incompetent. And when you get the 'stink eye' from your instructors then is doesn't make you feel any better. My confidence in my abilities and motivation to kick this education 'in the junk' as a friend would say, is waning. I question my own reasoning and problem solving skills which is hard to turn that continual tape off in my head. My house is a wreck, I'm afraid to look at my bank account and my body is falling apart as if I were an old woman. Is all this fuckola worth it? And don't tell me 'it will be all worth it in the end' because that does nothing but piss me off and make me want to punch you in the nose. I hate it when people say that because they have not one clue as to how messed up it makes your life.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Do you ever have those moments when you begin to question yourself and wonder why you're doing what you're doing? I mean, really question yourself? When you were little, did you know what you wanted to be when you 'grow up?'. And did you follow through with that idea of what you wanted to be when you were young or did you come to your senses and follow another path? Which door of opportunity did you open and how many others did you close? Ever feel like you chose poorly? How in the hell did you know that your were doing the right thing for you?
Sometimes I feel like I'm just being a whiny, selfish bitch but there's the other part of me where reality is setting in and reality tends to dictate. I can't help but wonder, as I do often at this stage in my life, if I've screwed up somewhere and passed up the opportunity that I was supposed to live. I have always identified with the song 'Dancing Nancies', as well as many other classic Dave Matthews Band songs, but this one song in particular has really resonated with me lately. I just can't help but wonder if could have been something else. All I can do at this point is keep moving on. I will look up at the sky and leave it at that. Thanks for the input, Dave. Don't know what I'd do without you. elizinashe