Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Ask And Ye Shall Receive

How do you cope through troubling times? Do you pray or do you just muster through the muck and mire hoping to find the light at the end of the tunnel? Do you rely on a higher power or do you rely on your own self to find a resolution? What if all that you do still doesn't give you the end result you are looking for?

I am no stranger to prayer and I surely thank God for the little things that come my way even if it's the smallest reminder that all will be okay in my world. Lately I've been doing a lot of praying and trying with all my might that my faith will carry me through. There are times when I feel like I'm struggling and then I just 'let go' and all ends up being well in the end. Right now I'm having trouble in just 'letting go'. What I hate about it the most is that it's mostly rooted in money, or lack there of right now and school is getting closer by the minute. Yes, I am happy about finally going to nursing school but the waiting game for financial aid is really bothering me, plus knowing that my hours will be cut which will hurt the paycheck, which affects my monthly bills plus knowing that I will be paying extra for my healthcare b/c I will be a part-time status instead of full-time status. Why should anyone be punished for being a part-time employee when it comes to health care is beyond me but so be it. I can't change that.

I re-read a book that a friend of mine told me about last year called The Game of Life and How to Play It. This book was originally written in 1925 but her words of wisdom clearly had a hold on people back then and those same words still have some gumption for this day and age. In essence what the author says that whatever you dish out you will receive the same. Good & bad. If you want something then throw it out there in the universe and then make efforts to have the faith and the opportunity that it will come to you. If it is meant to be then all will be well. If it doesn't happen for you then that just means that whatever you asked for wasn't yours to begin with and that God has a different plan. Sounds familiar I am sure, however it's always nice to be reminded of good karma.

Thirteen years ago I was wanting to move from Arkansas to Asheville as I had fallen in love with the city and it's mountains the previous summer. Not knowing jack shit, I had it in my mind that I was going. I had already put my name on a waitlist for an apartment that I had seen once and it was twice what I was paying in Arkansas but I did it anyway. That was in February. I began collecting boxes and saving up money. Early in the spring I began to pack a few things that I really didn't need and threw out other stuff that I no longer needed. I had no job waiting for me in Asheville and I knew only two people who lived there. All I had was faith that I was going. I came home from work one day to find a message on my machine letting me know that a one bedroom apartment was going to be available in May and did I want that apartment since I was on the waitlist. My belief and having the faith that I was moving brought me the biggest change I could have ever imagined. It was one of the best things I have ever done for myself. And I've lived here in Asheville ever since.

Now I am at another cross-road as I enter another phase of my life and I struggle with keeping my faith that all will turn out the way that it should as it did for my eventual move thirteen years ago. What I struggle with the most is the 'not knowing' how it's all going to work out. I feel trapped in my progress which I haven't felt in a very long time. It's very frustrating. It weighs heavy on my psyche but I pray a lot and struggle with all my might to keep the faith. I know it always works out in the end but the journey through this tunnel before I find the light is driving me nuts. So I re-read my book, made a list of what I need from the Universe and throw caution to the wind. Like the storm that is brewing outside my windows right now, this too shall pass. I have yet to discover what the next journey of my life will be like but I hope it will be good as the first thirteen years I've had in Asheville. There's always light at the end of the tunnel. elizinashe

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Who Are You?

How well do you know yourself? I mean really know yourself? And do you let your real self guide you? Do you let that other side of your brain dictate your decisions & desires or do you come back down to earth and live in reality? Just a few thoughts on my brain tonight.

I know myself fairly well. I've had plenty of years behind me so the older I get the better I become. I believe that. But sometimes I feel like I allow the dreamy side of me override what's in front of me and then I become disappointed. I feel like I've broken a lot of bad habits, along with starting new ones but I do recognize negative patterns. The hard part is when I start back in a negative pattern it becomes harder to break. Or so it seems. I know for a fact that I am a much better person than I was when I was in my 20s. I make way better decisions. I know for a fact that I am a much better person than I was 10 years ago and even 5 years ago. I have grown a lot since then. But sometimes life just throws such a kink in your plans that it just leaves you wondering 'what the fuck?'. Pardon my french here folks.

I know I am on to bigger and better things. That is a fact. But my insecurities and lack of confidence in how I will handle and manipulate my future scares the crap out of me. I know in the end that I will be okay but I can't help that the 'not knowing' factor is making me feel like crap. Ergo the self-destructive talk runs through my head. Which is so stupid but I just can't help it. Why does it have to be so hard? I have faith that is will all work out in the end. I am hopeful that all my aspirations and dreams will come true despite all these roadblocks that I have encountered the last 8 years or so. (It can't last forever, right?) I am thankful for really, really good friends. I am thankful for brief periods of romance that make me feel special because I know I am special. I am thankful for great co-workers who keep me laughing. I am thankful for a really good glass of wine. (maybe too much, haha.) I wouldn't trade any of that for anything.

But there are times when I feel like I am just scrambling to keep myself afloat. I guess there's a part of me that's in that space right now. I find joy in the little things and continue to hope for the best. I haven't given up on all my dreams at this point because my dreams are what keep me going. But the realistic side of me tells me different sometimes and that makes me quite angry. I have few regrets in my life but then again that's a part of life isn't it?

So how well do you know yourself? How do you drudge through the hard times when your brain spins like a hamster in his wheel going round and round and round without getting anywhere? Do you repeat mistakes and stick with your patterned behavior or do you think outside of the box? Do you recognize when you do start repeating mistakes and try to correct that behavior or do you just ride out the storm? How well do you know yourself? And after trying for so long do you keep trying or do you just give up and change the game plan altogether? Just curious.

I know that this post may not be completely coherent, flowing or sticking to original topic but that doesn't matter really. I had about three different directions to go with this post but instead of overthinking I just started to type away. So there you go. So how well do you know yourself? What mistakes do you repeat and what are you doing to change those mistakes? Just a thought. elizinashe

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Weiner Roast

I kinda feel sorry for this guy. With a name like Weiner he was jinxed from the start. However it doesn't excuse his behavior. What was he thinking? Clearly he was thinking with the wrong head. (ahem.) You would think a man in his position would be more careful of what he posts on the world wide web. Did he actually think he wouldn't get caught? What a jackass.....at least Tiger didn't prey upon teenagers. What a perv. Now I am certain that in it's true origin his name would be 'Veener' as the name suggest a German nature. Even still, the name 'Veener' still has a bad connotation attached to it. Now he's seeking some 'time off' for some therapy. Whatever. That's just to make his image look better. He's still a perv. At least some of the heat is off Schwarzengger. Maybe the two of them should fly off to the Playboy mansion and soothe ol' Hef's heart since he just got jilted at the alter. I see a tv movie in the future about those three. It could be a new Three Stooges! 'Politics & Penises: The real Playboy Story'. hahahaha.....Never mind the economy, lets talk about power hungry men with problems about keeping their member in their pants! Now that's some real entertainment! Just a thought folks. elizinashe

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

The Waiting Game

The beginning of spring gave me much hope and promise. It seemed that all was working out and my social activities were fun and exciting which was a much welcomed relief after such a crappy winter. Now we are getting into the summer months with hot weather and all the newness of spring has worn out.

I'm feeling very frustrated and trapped. I'm feeling quite angry, confused, lost and disappointed in many aspects of my life. I still have hope for school and that's a good thing however the waiting game for financial aid is really pissing me off. I've been turned down for 3 scholarships that I have applied for and I have yet to know how much of a loan I can qualify for. I feel like I'm on shaky ground work-wise because I have gotten zero feedback from our new supervisor about changing my schedule and being supported as an employee in my new endeavor. Of course my co-workers are all excited for me but I have no idea what our management team has to say about the matter. My working hours will be cut which affects my household budget which really frightens me. I've been looking for cheaper places to live but the success rate is slim right now. ARRRGGGG!!!!!

The spring romance that was seemingly going well came to an abrupt stop. Not even a breakup conversation about it all. What a pig. I just don't get it. I'm not devastated nor am I heartbroken. I'm just really pissed off! It's like he became a completely different person overnight. Not even a single reply from any of my text messages or voicemails. I never expected the relationship to be long lasting but I sure as hell expected an adult conversation about parting ways. Clearly I was wrong. Jackass.

Money is so tight right now that I fear I will begin to go into debt, mostly due to lack of knowing what kind of funds I will receive for school. I hate being trapped by money. I try to keep my errands quick and simple so I don't waste gas and I try to eat at home as much as I can but I'm so sick of my typical food choices that I just don't have an appetite. I really want a smart phone b/c I know some of the applications that are available will help me school wise but I just can't afford the monthly plan right now. I've never been in a position where I had to worry about my finances so much and that really pisses me off and makes me feel disappointed. What in the hell have I done with my life and where did I fuck up? That's what's been going on in my head lately. Where did I fuck up? Such a cheery post, eh? I'm afraid to even attempt a vacation b/c I know what I have in my lousy savings account will be going towards school and other bills. I hate money. I've turned down two opportunities to have a vacation but I'm just not comfortable in allowing someone else foot my bill. It's a grand gesture but in the end I feel like it will be a big mistake.

Okay, so what do I do now? I had such grand faith three months ago and now I feel it's gone out the window. I hate feeling trapped like this. It's driving me nuts. Again, such a cheery and optimistic post I'm dishing out today. I'll do better next time. Cheers. elizinashe