How well do you know yourself? I mean really know yourself? And do you let your real self guide you? Do you let that other side of your brain dictate your decisions & desires or do you come back down to earth and live in reality? Just a few thoughts on my brain tonight.
I know myself fairly well. I've had plenty of years behind me so the older I get the better I become. I believe that. But sometimes I feel like I allow the dreamy side of me override what's in front of me and then I become disappointed. I feel like I've broken a lot of bad habits, along with starting new ones but I do recognize negative patterns. The hard part is when I start back in a negative pattern it becomes harder to break. Or so it seems. I know for a fact that I am a much better person than I was when I was in my 20s. I make way better decisions. I know for a fact that I am a much better person than I was 10 years ago and even 5 years ago. I have grown a lot since then. But sometimes life just throws such a kink in your plans that it just leaves you wondering 'what the fuck?'. Pardon my french here folks.
I know I am on to bigger and better things. That is a fact. But my insecurities and lack of confidence in how I will handle and manipulate my future scares the crap out of me. I know in the end that I will be okay but I can't help that the 'not knowing' factor is making me feel like crap. Ergo the self-destructive talk runs through my head. Which is so stupid but I just can't help it. Why does it have to be so hard? I have faith that is will all work out in the end. I am hopeful that all my aspirations and dreams will come true despite all these roadblocks that I have encountered the last 8 years or so. (It can't last forever, right?) I am thankful for really, really good friends. I am thankful for brief periods of romance that make me feel special because I know I am special. I am thankful for great co-workers who keep me laughing. I am thankful for a really good glass of wine. (maybe too much, haha.) I wouldn't trade any of that for anything.
But there are times when I feel like I am just scrambling to keep myself afloat. I guess there's a part of me that's in that space right now. I find joy in the little things and continue to hope for the best. I haven't given up on all my dreams at this point because my dreams are what keep me going. But the realistic side of me tells me different sometimes and that makes me quite angry. I have few regrets in my life but then again that's a part of life isn't it?
So how well do you know yourself? How do you drudge through the hard times when your brain spins like a hamster in his wheel going round and round and round without getting anywhere? Do you repeat mistakes and stick with your patterned behavior or do you think outside of the box? Do you recognize when you do start repeating mistakes and try to correct that behavior or do you just ride out the storm? How well do you know yourself? And after trying for so long do you keep trying or do you just give up and change the game plan altogether? Just curious.
I know that this post may not be completely coherent, flowing or sticking to original topic but that doesn't matter really. I had about three different directions to go with this post but instead of overthinking I just started to type away. So there you go. So how well do you know yourself? What mistakes do you repeat and what are you doing to change those mistakes? Just a thought. elizinashe
1 comment:
When my brain spins around like that hamster I try to slow down the hamster; the path is usually looks clearer at 20 mph than at 85. If the dream still feels right, I keep trying, keep trying, keep trying, never give up; I might modify the game plan if needed but I never give up. Being scared of the future means you care; that’s a good thing. I try to use insecurities and lack of confidence as learning opportunities; my biggest surprise in the past few years is that most of my insecurities are gone and I have tons of confidence. You can learn a lot about yourself through feedback you get from others but you eventually learn to decide which feedback to accept and which to reject.
Your main question for your readers tonight: do I really know myself? Yes, very well, and that used to scare me. But when I slowed down the hamster I saw that my own biggest roadblock is procrastination. Recognizing that was a turning point for me. It’s still there and it sometimes makes me fall back into old patterns, but when I see that happening I stand up and continue forward. I keep trying and never give up.
Thanks for this post. Some of this was on my mind tonight too and digging through your thought processes helped me focus on mine. I hope my comments here help you in some way.
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