Family Friends

My mother has a long time girlfriend coming into town next week for a visit. I thought she was already here as my mother & I had planned to get together Friday (today ) so we all could visit but I had dates wrong, regardless I will be joining them next week for a gab. However I have mixed feelings about this and I didn't realize how much 'stuff' I had leftover in my brain until I went to sleep last night, or at least attempted to sleep. Some of it was leftover anger and painful memories and the other was the benedryl funk that kept me lazy all day and then perked me up at night.

Anyway, this woman and her husband and fraternal twins were the one constant in our household for get-togethers, cookouts, church stuff and ultimately our rock when my brother died. I was the one who was asked to call Betty that afternoon when we were in the ER after we had gotten the call that my brother was brought into the hospital after he had collapsed at work. We had no idea what was going on or why he was rushed into the ER. He had passed out at work and his co-workers started CPR until the ambulance came and carted him off. The doctors kept telling us that they were doing everything that they could do, trying to revive him but he had not responded to anything. Betty arrived shortly after they told us that my brother was dead. She was the one I grabbed and sobbed into her shoulder after I saw him for the last time.

It was such a long time ago. I don't know if I have truly gotten over my brother's unexpected death. I think I've just learned to live with it. And perhaps ignoring some of the other stuff b/c it's just too damn painful. Betty & her family were the ones who was with us the whole way. That first Christmas after his death was a real doozie. We all went to his grave after the evening church service. That was one of the last times I went to his marker. I just couldn't stand there without falling apart.

The following spring our friends moved to Kansas so her husband could take another job. That was a sad time but understandable. I was pretty close to their daughter Kathy even before my brother had died. We had become pretty close friends and having Kathy around meant alot to me that summer. It really sucked when she moved. Looking back on it all I guess it left me feeling abandoned. And understandably so. My other friends didn't know what to do with me, but hell we were all about 15 years old. How much wisdom do you have at that age?

We kept in touch over the years and made frequent trips to Kansas so we could visit. It was always a good time. Unfortunately Kathy & I became more distant in our college years for whatever reason. We still send birthday cards & Christmas gifts but it feels more like out of habit instead of...whatever it should be. I hear more about her life through the 'mom grapevine' than I do from Kathy herself but I know that's not because she doesn't want to end our friendship, her life has been quite chaotic at times and keeps a very busy job. It's just the way it is I guess. Betty & my mother have remained constant friends and they have a strong bond. They haven't seen each other in over 10 years I guess. I'm really happy for my mother that she will be reunited with a long time girlfriend, she deserves that by all means. And I know I will be happy to see her as well but I'm bracing myself for those bittersweet emotions that will rear it's ugly head. I'm kind of relieved that our reunion isn't happening today. I just don't think I could handle it. Maybe next week I'll have a more peaceful attitude and all those painful memories will melt away with that first reunion hug. elizinashe