And The Wheels Keep Turning

Ever Feel Like This?

It's been hot here this week.  Ugh...it makes me cranky.  And frustrated.  I haven't been able to focus on much of anything but my brain won't let me rest.  It keeps spinning in a anxiety provoking cycle.  I really hate it when that happens.

I have much to do adult wise but I get distracted and overwhelmed and then I don't want to follow through with what needs to be done.  Like scheduling a physical, as I have procrastinated on that task for way too long.  And being that I've waited too long, the fear of something bad is going on in my body is growing.  And then I begin to think about how will I manage my affairs if I am sick?  What will I do about my bills?  How will I cope and more importantly how will I deal with my parents freaking out?  Because I know they will.  Jesus...not a boat I want to be stuck in. 

Speaking of parents, they are aging and in relatively good health but my mother has had more issues lately and that kind of worries me.  She acts as if she's in a hurry to get all her affairs in order and get rid of junk from the house so I don't have to deal with it.  And my dad...well he still asks about her when we speak and still tries to communicate with her despite their divorce.  He's already said that he'd remarry her in a heartbeat if she was willing.  But I know that is the last thing that she'd ever want.  And that makes me sad for my father.  If anything does happen to her, it will kill him.  And I'd have to pick up those pieces.  Somehow.  Oh, did I mention my dad lives over nine hundred miles away?  Yeah...add the distance thing in the mix and it gets more complicated. 

Speaking of dad, I hate that he lives alone.  For the most part, he's doing really well.  But he's in need of cataract surgery and the flexibility of my schedule, or shall I say inflexibility it seems makes traveling back home to help him is a bit difficult.  I'm sure he will be fine.  His neighbor can take him to the appointment he says but I have moments where I question this neighbors "good deeds" when it comes to helping my dad.  Don't get me wrong, my father still has his cahoots about him and his mind is still sharp, but I have a feeling that he will be the one to lose is logic and a functioning brain.  And being that I primarily work with dementia patients and see how families struggle with the care of their loved one it makes me a bit anxious.  I don't want to be the one to manage that shit.  And to complicate matters even further, I am the only surviving child between my parents.  My brother died unexpectedly when he was twenty so that left me.  I'm stuck with the responsibility and I really hate that.  Really. 

I have really good friends and I am so thankful for that.  My cousins keep in touch via Facebook but I haven't seen any of them in years.  If it weren't for Facebook we'd probably never really talk.  And that' sad.  They all have their own shit to deal with, and some of them I wouldn't even think of asking them for help.  I think they might be a bit more screwy than myself.  So....what do I do? I've got a really good friend who has already lost her mother a few years back.  She's been through the mess single handedly.  I know she will be a voice and guide for me.  At least I have that. 

So as I troll through reruns of a stupid show I stop to write and complain.  I'm too awake to sleep but too restless and frustrated to clean or tackle that many projects that have been ignored for way too long.  That sort of thing never ends so I need to get over that.  Guess my expectations are a bit unrealistic on that end.  I know it does not do my any good to stress about this stuff now.  I don't know why I allow these thoughts to make camp in my head.  It drives me nuts.  I guess I should just embrace it and allow it to pass until the next worrisome thoughts make a home.  Ugh...Hopefully the next batch of mind monsters will be a much happier one.  Until next time...elizinashe

I Need Some of This!

No One is Immune

Give Them Support

We've all heard about the Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain suicides.  We've all heard about other well known people from recent times and in the glory days taking their own life or dying because of an accident related to unhealthy lifestyle choices.  And I'm not just talking about food and lack of exercise folks.  I'm talking about addiction. 

I've recently learned that a guy I knew a long time ago passed away about three years ago at home.  Now the circumstances that we knew each other were quite unusual and we were never really close but he left a wonderful impression on me and I have happy memories of our times together.  He moved back home a long time ago, but I've always wondered how he was and what his life had become. 

I was very sad to learn that after years of sobriety, he had relapsed on alcohol and died as a result.  My nursing skills can only give me a couple of outcomes but regardless it couldn't have been a peaceful death.  I'm very bothered by this information but I glad I know.  Sort of.  Jason was a really good person and had a big heart.  I knew he could do some drinking, but that was back in the day when we were all young, free and in our twenties.  The kind of behavior that would not be so shocking for the time.  Although, I had some suspicions back then that he could drink more than most and that is never a good thing. 

I'm pretty bummed about this.  Seriously.  Addiction knows no boundaries.  You don't have to be pond scum to become an addict.  It's not all what you see on T.V. or those horrible commercials that used to play showing some bum holding a paper bag sleeping in the alley.  Addiction is real.  That's all there is to it. 

I've had other friends and family who struggle with their own issues.  Some have gotten help, others not so much.  It's a horrible cycle.  And I see it all the time.  Especially working in the kind of environment that I do.  Addiction is real.  And so are people. 

What needs to be understood is that showing those scare tactic signs/commercials don't work.  Forcing someone into rehab doesn't always work.  Interventions?  I think all that does is piss the addict off but my hope is that it will shed light on the one who is suffering that there are people who care about them.  You need to build trust.  Trust is a huge thing.  

Addicts will remain addicts, whether it be food, drink, pills, needles or even cigarettes until they are ready to confront their demons and get clean.  Otherwise they are living on borrowed time.  There are communities that support clean needle exchanges and safe havens for use.  As crazy as it seems, I support that.  I'm not endorsing use, but I will endorse safe practice.  I support the halfway houses and safe havens for pregnant mothers who are on a detox protocol from meth, opiates and alcohol so they can have medical care and be surrounded by other pregnant mothers who are in the same boat.  Otherwise, they will continue to be on the streets and abuse their poison of choice which does nothing but put their unborn baby in serious danger.  Yes, methadone and suboxxone, a typical pharmacutical plan for detox, can have effects on the baby as well but it is less damaging for the baby than the street drugs and with close monitoring the outcome can be way more beneficial than the alternative. 

It's the lesser of evils folks.  I think that's the more important thing to focus on than to shame and condemn the addict.  You have no idea what their daily struggle may be.  You have no idea what's inside of their head.  You have no idea of their demons.  We as a community, as a society need to recognize that addicts have a voice and all they want is to be heard.  We as a community need to understand that addicts need our support in their struggle.  Not encouragement to continue to use  but support in understanding that it's a very difficult fight everyday.  It's not an easy path to walk.  And when recovery does become a choice then the healing for all can begin.  And if they falter, then the understanding that we all are human and the addiction is a beast of it's own needs to be recognized.  It does nothing to help when you begin to criticize.  All that does is break trust.  And having a good trusting relationship is everything to an addict.  If there isn't any kind of trust, with any relationship, addict or not, then nothing will heal or move forward. 

Now I totally understand when friends and family have exhausted everything to the nth degree.  I understand at some point, sometimes you just have to walk away.  There are times for that and I don't blame anyone who does.  Friends and family who are affected by an addict have their own struggles too.  I get that.  They too need to be heard and supported.  Sometimes you just have to walk away.  And that is a very hard thing to do.  No doubt about that.  Addiction affects everyone.  

I am not a perfect person folks.  I do not have all the answers.  But what I do know is that addiction really does affect many, many people regardless of the relationship.  I am so very sad to hear about my friend.  And apparently he was in town a year prior to his death.  I wish I had run into him.  It would have been good to reminisce about our younger days.  It sure does suck.  RIP Jason...you are missed.    Until next time...elizinashe

Truth