Wearing the Grouchy Pants

Feeling Like This Today

It's a hot today.  Ugh.  Makes me cranky.  There's a cool festival going on downtown and I'd like to go but it's just too hot for my taste.  Plus I really don't feel like fighting the crowds.  So home it is, but I'm a bit bored, a bit depressed perhaps and I have zero motivation to clean my house as it's getting a bit messy.  Well...it's already a mess but it's getting to be a bit much.  I really need to use the vacuum much more.  Good thing I live alone.

I've got the annual boob squeeze tomorrow.  Ugh.  Not looking forward to it, but it's so very important to get that mammogram.  Especially since I've had some minor issues with the girls.  Or Lefty and Poncho as one of my friends from my college days so affectionately dubbed them.  haha...It's not that painful but it is uncomfortable.  It's rather awkward really.  And by the time I leave, I will be hitting rush hour traffic.  It might be a stop at my watering hole for a libation and a snack since I'm still in the "I don't want to cook" phase and therefore allow the said rush hour traffic to move on before I make my way home.  That might be more therapeutic for me anyway. 

I'm in bad need of a vacation.  And not a "staycation".  I need to leave the county borders.  For real.  I used to travel to the beach by myself in the "off season" quite a bit.  I haven't done that in years.  I so need some beach time.  I could care less about the tan or swimming in the ocean all day.  Although I do want to get my feet wet.  But with my busy mind and over thinking charms, I'm afraid to drive the four and half hours by myself.  I fear that my car will break down or something else bad will happen.  Why do I think like that?  Sheesh...too many other experiences of vehicle mishaps?  Oh yeah, I currently have a fat nail in my back tire.  (sigh...)  Found it last night.  At least my tire hasn't gone flat.  It just pisses me off. I swear I'm a magnet for that shit.  And as for the beach?  I still want to go, just not by myself.  I want a companion to join me on the festivities.  It gets lonely doing everything by yourself.

The only exciting thing I have planned for the rest of my day is some take out food and laundry.  Oh yeah, I need to do dishes too but that's an easy one.  Add some soap and hit the power button on the dishwasher.  Thank God I have one!  I went many, many years without one.  I swear, the day I bought dishwasher soap when I got my home was one happy day.  Sounds weird I know but I was so over washing dishes by hand.  I will not go without a dishwasher again.  Ever. 

So that's it folks.  It's a grouchy kind of day.  Just moving through the emotions...there is an ending in sight.  You can always count on that.  Until next time...elizinashe

Trying To Be Like This

Dare I Do It?

I Dig This

As usual, I'm awake.  It's dark, semi-cloudy, quiet and cool outside.  It's rather a peaceful feeling when I step out on my deck. 

I fell asleep after I ate dinner.  Slept too long really therefore the disruption in my circadian rhythm.  It's not that unusual for me to be up this late anyway, but it sure does delay other adult responsibilities that need to be tackled in daytime hours.  Or shall I say the self-imposed duties that I expect myself to complete within a certain time frame.  And then when I don't, I feel guilty.  I need to work on that.  The guilt that is.

I've been having some pretty wicked dreams too as of late.  And not necessarily nice ones.  I can pretty much figure out what my subconscious is fighting or struggling with is more like it.  It is very clear to me that certain things of my past are haunting me more than expected.  I thought I was past it all.  Or at least had dealt with it the best way I could.  And it's beginning to mess with my head in my waking hours.  I think it's time for some therapy.  But even the thought of that stresses me out due to time management rather than the therapy itself.  I've had therapy before and it was truly helpful.  I think it's time.

The times when I'm up this late and the wee hours of the night grow closer to dawn, I toy with the idea to stay up, see the sunrise and just start my day anew, and attempt to get those adulting responsibilities done.  In a sleep deprived state.  I've know other night shifters who just stay up when they can't sleep or do their grocery shopping and then take a short nap in the afternoon when needed.  Some just stay up all day and then go to bed after dinner.  And then power sleep.  I don't know if I can function like that.  I've thought about it, but my fear is when I take that afternoon nap, I will just keep sleeping and then wake up late at night and then I am back where I started.  Dare I do it?  I think not.  At least not this time.

Hopefully I will find some balance in the coming days.  I have much to scratch off on my self imposed list.  I've had many other posts running in my head to hammer out but not much motivation to write.  I've been wallowing...I need to swim out of that mess.  I don't want to drown in this funk of mine.  It's getting tiresome.  I will send my requests to the Universe and look forward.  It's the only way to go don't ya think?  Until next time...elizinashe

I Need Some of This