I Don't Wanna!

My wonderful time of two weeks and five days away from school are coming to a close.  The break between our summer semester and the fall semester has been wonderful and I want it to continue.  No hurried doctor's appointments this time.  Just some good old fashioned relaxation.  The house got a good cleaning, I've been well rested without anxiety provoking dreams, had a fantastic girl's weekend and spent some time with my dad while he was in town visiting.  Too bad we can't store good sleep like a camel stores water.  I will certainly need  the extra zzz's.

Friday was checking back into reality as it was my first day back to work in over a week. I did not appreciate my alarm sounding off at 5am.  That was not nice.  Today has been glossing over the school website and downloading math calculations and worksheets in order to prepare for a very long day this Monday for our first day of class.  Class that will last from 9am until after 4pm.  Ugh.  Insert unhappy face here.  Tomorrow will be another day of work only to return home and fight those first day of school jitters.  Yuk.  I'm not even sure what to throw in my backpack.  As long as I remember what building to walk into at the correct time then I guess I will be doing okay.  

Got an interesting letter in the mail today regarding school.  Apparently I've been selected to join a 'society' of academic and leadership success.  Ha!  It sounds like a win-win situation not to mention a gold star on my resume and money for any future schooling that I may want to attempt.  I just find it funny that I was asked in the first place.  If these people only knew what I am really like they may change their minds.  haha....I can't even speak in front my classmates to give a group presentation.  I totally get tongue tied and flushed.  I hope to God that I don't have to give a speech in front of this so-called society.  I would surely faint.  I guess all that wine has had some benefit to my little brain.  And if that's the case then I toast to that.  Salut!  elizinashe

Thick Air & Attitudes

The last few days have been gray, overcast and humid.  It hasn't been really hot so to speak but the air is just plain thick.  If it's going to be this poopy looking outside, I wish the skies would just open up and let loose.  Not that I want a big storm or anything but a good rain would definitely help.  In short, the clouds are full of gas and they need to fart big time.  

It's no surprise how weather and planetary movements can affect the attitude.  Sunny spring skies are always a mood booster, especially after a days of chilly weather.  A full moon seems to make people a little more festive if not impulsive.  I believe there is an urban myth about how emergency departments and police departments are busier than usual on a full moon night compared to others.  I know my workplace seems to be a bit more loony.  But, that's just my personal observation.  

I know for myself, icky weather like we are having today affects my own attitude.  I've had a hard time keeping my mind in a happy place.  Plus, there is an odd planetary movement that has been going on the last few weeks that is finally coming to an end and I feel like that weird cycle going back into a normal mode is pulling on my inner soul as well.  I'm ready to get back into a normal groove.  Everything I had planned in my head to tackle during my break has been slow going.  A big clash with one of my co-workers the other day has really seeped into my brain and does nothing but piss me off.  And what pisses me off even more is that it is stuck in my head.   I usually don't take work stuff home, but this incident really got under my skin.  However, as time goes on, I feel like it's washing away even more, along with the planets and thick air.  If it would only rain a good bit to truly wash it out of my system.  That would be a good thing.  

So that's it for today folks.  Just a gray, thick day anxiously awaiting the skies to open up and relieve some built up tension.  I think we all could use a good wash by Mother Nature.  elizinashe

Quick Bits

Summer is over.  At least school wise.  I now have two weeks and five days of freedom from nursing school chaos.  I am now a second year nursing student.  It just doesn't seem really real.  Can't believe I have survived this far and  I don't know how it will all come together in the end.  It all just seems so surreal.  Weird.

I have a classmate whose last name is Sharp.  His initials are G.F.  Thus, he is G.F. Sharp.  Makes me giggle.  Being a piano player for most of my life I can't help but visualize those keys in my head when I see his student ID tag.  Ah, the simple pleasures in life that make it comical.  Gotta love it.  

Ever start writing a paragraph over and over again trying to find that voice because you're having a hard time conveying what's locked up in your head?  I keep trying to write something about the Olympics but I'm having a hard time finding what I really want to say about it all.  So here it goes.  Haven't watched much of it because I don't have cable.  I did see the Queen's entrance, (funny) and I dig watching women's gymnastics.  I could care less about fencing and synchronized swimming.  China's athletes are strangely strong.  There's something fishy about that.  

I have now joined the Smartphone craze.  And I love it.  It's the coolest thing ever.  I went with an iPhone which I find very user friendly and  I totally dig it.  Makes me wonder what else Steve Jobs would have created had he lived longer.  He certainly set a new standard for everyday modern technology.   I don't have that itch to get the iPad yet.  I'm pretty happy with my trusty ol' Dell.  However I think it's beginning to show it's age and slow down a bit. I just need it to last through school.  Keeping my fingers crossed.  

I will refrain from making any political rants or persuasions being that it's an election year.  I think it's going to take a long time for our economy to recover regardless.  However, what kind of idiot stands up in front of the NAACP and tells these people that his first order of business if elected is to get rid of Obama's healthcare reform?  Oh yeah, Romney.  What a jackass.  

So that's it folks.  Just thought I'd throw a few bits out there.  Just trying to keep the creative spark alive.  Peace out ya'll.  elizinashe

Boom Crash!

Ever feel like everything is coming at you all at once and you don't know how to stop the merry-go-round in your head from spinning out of control?  I have griped about this many times before and I usually manage somehow but these last two weeks of our summer session is coming to a screaming halt it feels and I just can't seem to stay motivated to stay focused.  The anxiety is jacking up, my sleep has been in a mess and I can't seem to keep up with normal, everyday household stuff that should be simple.  I have two tests on Thursday as well a quiz due and I have done little concentrating since I got home from my clinical site today.  I'm tired ya'll.  I just want to pack up the car and run away.  The fall clinical schedule is in the works and there are a lot of kinks to hammer out which makes all of us students nervous since we all have jobs, families and children to be responsible for.  I wish there was a simpler way to do all of this.  I hate all this chaos.  It's getting harder to manage, or so it seems.  

Yes, the summer classes have been somewhat a little more laid back.  Lots of 'guest speakers' and boring content which does nothing for my brain other than shut off.  At least we've only had one day of lecture during this summer session.  Four hours and 25 minutes of lecture.  Ugh.  I just cannot wait for all this shit to end.  Two tests, two finals, one lab practical and four more clinical days.  Plus, work.  And then home to a disaster of a house.  I want maid.  Seriously.  Just might have to invest in one before fall for at least one good clean up because I know for certain that my ass will not be motivated to clean up after all this is over.  I just hope that I get my act together because I know for a fact that the fall semester will be a real doozie.  And I am not looking forward to it just yet.  Sheesh.  Next summer has got to be better than this.  elizinashe

Could I Have Been....

Do you ever have those moments when you begin to question yourself and wonder why you're doing what you're doing?  I mean, really question yourself?   When you were little, did you know what you wanted to be when you 'grow up?'.  And did you follow through with that idea of what you wanted to be when you were young or did you come to your senses and follow another path?  Which door of opportunity did you open and how many others did you close?  Ever feel like you chose poorly?  How in the hell did you know that your were doing the right thing for you?  

I've been struggling with some of these notions lately and I am beginning to truly doubt myself in my endeavors.  Mostly because there has been much disruption during this process plus a few bad, if not horrible clinical days where I just can't seem to be on top of my duties which makes me look, and feel might I add, incompetent.  And when you get the 'stink eye' from your instructors then is doesn't make you feel any better.  My confidence in my abilities and motivation to kick this education 'in the junk' as a friend would say, is waning.  I question my own reasoning and problem solving skills which is hard to turn that continual tape off in my head.  My house is a wreck, I'm afraid to look at my bank account and my body is falling apart as if I were an old woman.  Is all this fuckola worth it?  And don't tell me 'it will be all worth it in the end' because that does nothing but piss me off and make me want to punch you in the nose.  I hate it when people say that because they have not one clue as to how messed up it makes your life.  

Sometimes I feel like I'm just being a whiny, selfish bitch but there's the other part of me where reality is setting in and reality tends to dictate.  I can't help but wonder, as I do often at this stage in my life, if I've screwed up somewhere and passed up the opportunity that I was supposed to live.  I have always identified with the song 'Dancing Nancies', as well as many other classic Dave Matthews Band songs, but this one song in particular has really resonated with me lately.  I just can't help but wonder if could have been something else.  All I can do at this point is keep moving on.  I will look up at the sky and leave it at that.  Thanks for the input, Dave.  Don't know what I'd do without you.  elizinashe

Gray Matter

Me-oh-my where has the time gone?  These last two weeks have certainly kept my mind buzzing more than usual.  So far I have worn a heart halter for 24 hours to monitor my ticker.  So far, so good.  The MRI showed no indication of any 'Franks' in my noggin.  I had an EEG done Monday and tomorrow I go for a heart echo to look at the inside of my heart that may or may not have triggered my initial drop & flop.  I'm sure all will be fine and I'm interested in seeing the echo myself and looking at little flaps that serve as a lock & damn mechanism for my overall blood flow to my weirded out body. However,  I have no interest in seeing the bills that will be filling up my mailbox.  That shit can wait.  

I had a friend rush into town last weekend for a quick excursion.  It was a quick 3 day jaunt but I was thankful for it regardless.  I took some pictures for the first time since the holidays and revisited my own downtown area.  I forget how much I enjoy using my little camera and discovering new eateries.  I feel like I've missed out on so much these past few months simply because I was emeshed in work and much schooling.  I know I will eventually have more free time to play further on down the road and downtown will always be there.  I just need to remember to touch base with some real fun time more often.  

I had an old boyfriend contact me recently.  It didn't come quite as a shock but the timing was unexpected for sure.  I'm not sure quite what to make of it all just yet.  I'm still processing it in my frankless brain but I guess for the most part he needed to clear his guilty conscience for his wrong doings.  Whatever, man.  I have never held any ill will toward him but I just can't get messed up in that 'rekindling the past' kind of mess.  School starts back up on Monday and I have much to do before that first day.  Most importantly, I have a hot date with one of my bestests girlfriends for a concert to which I refuse to miss.  And that pretty much trumps everything else.  elizinashe

So This One Time At Clinical

Wow, it's been a really long time since I last wrote.  The whole log-in thingy is different now.  Why do they have to keep changing things?  It's a weird looking format if you ask me.  However, this is not the main reason that I am posting tonight.  

Last Monday I was at my clinical site at the VA Hospital as a part of my nursing program curriculum.  I was getting ready to pass medications to my patient with my instructor by my side.  She was grilling me pretty hard about meds and making me really nervous.  She's a really good teacher but really particular and plays by the rules to the 'T' if you know what I mean.  She was asking me about the '5 Patient Rights' which I had trouble recalling which made me even more nervous.  I remember trying to recall what I should always know and I began to repeat myself in hopes of triggering my memory.  The more I kept messing up, the more freaked I became.  Anyway, it got to a point to where I began to feel really light-headed and I knew that I needed to sit down.  I remember saying aloud to my instructor that I felt 'lightheaded' and then that was it.  

The next thing I saw was my instructor over me saying my name and trying to arouse me.  I looked around, rather confused at that given moment and then it hit me.  I passed out.  I then vaguely remember my feet shaking & kicking or something like that.  As I was becoming more coherent I asked if I had passed out.  ('yes').  Did I just have a seizure?  ('yes').  I think the thought of 'oh shit' crossed my brain and then more confusion as to how in the hell that could have happened to me.  

So to make a long story short, I was quickly assessed and then slowly sat up to reorient yet again and head down to the ER for a workup.  It all happened so fast that I was still dumbfounded.  I felt really bad that all this happened in front of my patient and in his room!  I hope I didn't freak him out so much.  However, I was really thankful that my instructor was by my side and very grateful for the nursing staff on that 4th floor.  

I got a really good work-up down in the ER that day.  The thing I hated the most was having to call my mom to meet me in the Emergency Department.  Ironically, all this happened the day after what would have been my brother's 46th birthday.  He had died from a freak virus that attacked his heart exactly two months after his 20th birthday.  Strange.  And knowing that I had to call my mom to reinforce a fear that 'something might happen to me' left me guilt ridden.  However, she took it really, really well and did not freak out as badly as I thought she would have.  And thank God for that!  

All my lab work came back within normal limits, the heart monitor did not indicate anything abnormal but the CT did show what appears to be an aneurysm.  (HUH?).  Seriously?  Apparently, according to the CT, I have a 6mm aneurysm in the right side of my brain.  I wasn't able to see the CT myself, but I still have trouble believing it all.  I have had no signs or sypmptoms that anything has been 'wrong' or 'unusual'.  Other than a few panicky moments but then again I'm in nursing school and I work.  That's stressful enough.  

Since then, I have seen a neurologist for a consult, I have an MRI scheduled for Wednesday to see what's really in my brain afterall.  Tuesday I get to pick up a 'halter' to monitor my heart for 24 hours and will also have an EEG in the near future as well as a heart echo.  Lucky me.  This was not how I wanted to spend my two week break from school before our summer session starts.  All this shit happened at the beginning of finals week.  Boy, do I know how to pick bad timing, eh?  

I've always said 'things happen for a reason'.  And I still belive that today.  Sometimes we just don't know what that reason might be.  All I know is that I survived the incident, completed my tests and will be walking out of my second semester with a 'B' average.  A well deserved 'B' if you ask me.  I go through periods of thought where I'm really freaked by it all and the possible outcomes to the naive and perhaps somewhat intuitive thought that it's all really going to be okay.  Certainly there are a couple of things high on my priority list to change and monitor.  I've lead a pretty healthy life for the most part and I want to continue that by all means.  I've worked too hard to get where I am today and I am much too stubborn to let this get me down.  

In the meantime, I've tried to keep pretty chill this week and have tried not to overthink this mess.  I just want to see what the MRI indicates and if it is to be true as to what Mr CT says, then I will move on to the next step.  Summer session starts on the 21st and I can't miss orientation.  Plus, my study group would be lost without me.  haha....And if I do have a 'little friend' growing in my brain I think I will call him Frank.  Sounds weird, I know but I'm kinda weird myself so it makes perfect sense to me.  

So that's been my life so far.  You hear all kinds of horror stories, mean instructors,  struggling experiences and sleep deprivation during nursing school.  I think I've out done them all don't ya think?  Until next time.....

elizinashe