Most of my ideas for posting a blog come to me while I'm driving, at work, at the grocery store or while I'm trying to sleep. All perfectly executed, well planned and grammatically correct. However when it comes time to do the actual typing all hell breaks away and the once well planted blog becomes foggy. So then to avoid much rambling and run-on sentences I leave the motivation to blog in the back of my head. But alas, here I sit pecking away on my pute while listening to some Dave Matthews & Tim Reynolds. For the most part I just wanted to get some basic stuff out of my head that I have wanted to write about at length but I will once again just make a short list with short comments( or at least try to). However I cannot promise correct grammar & sentence structure. ;) .
- Girlfriends: Most of my really close girlfriends live out of town or out of state. I really hate that sometimes. I miss having my girls nite and having that close bond with fellow women whom I trust to open myself up and lean on their shoulder. I have other girlfriends here in town but not like the ones I had before. It reminds me of a quote from the movie "Stand By Me". Great movie about friendship even if it was about boys. But the end quote says a lot. It went something like this: " I never had any friends like I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?" Now I don't miss my girlfriends that I had when I was twelve but I do miss my girlfriends that are now spread apart across the country. I'm just glad that they're still in my circle of peeps even if they are far away.
- Parents: Geeze...so much to say on this one. Divorce is on it's way. It's all so sad. I'm okay with the divorce part of it so far but I ache for my father. He is so terribly hurt and places a lot of blame upon himself. He's in town visiting and will be here for a few days. We had lunch on Sunday and when we got back to my place he just opened up and told me everything. We cried together and hugged each other tightly. It was so hard to see my dad so sad. I have never heard him talk about his feelings and regrets ever in my life. This is not how he had expected to live out his retirement. I know it's very difficult for my mother as well and I can't even begin to talk about how my heart feels right now without crying. All I can do is pray for all of us.
- School: Or shall I say lack of. I should be studying up on some stupid math skills and stupid english so I can retake a stupid placement test to prove to the stupid college that I can read, write and do arithmetic despite my previous college credits which include all of the above and then some, but I have had zero motivation to even crack open a book. I have until January to reapply for nursing school and time will run out quickly. The longer I wait the less motivated I become. I'm afraid that I will wait too long and fuck it all up once again and struggle for yet another year until I can apply for the following fall. Maybe I'm just not school material. I don't know what my problem is here. I just hate it. Bleh!
- Exercise: Again, lack there of. I keep telling myself I need to get back into the gym thing but it's slow going. I have been to two gyms for the initial visit and the 'free 2 week' trial but I never went b/c sleeping late on my days off and being lazy seemed more important. However I did go out of town for the first trial period so that was a good excuse not to go. Plus, I was quoted a membership price of over $600 for one year. WHAT?? Yeah, only if it came with a personal chef AND a maid. Give me a break. $600 is not worth sweating to the oldies to me. In the meantime I continue to be lazy, adding insulation to my growing belly. Ugh! I refuse to buy a bigger pant size but the motivation and a decent price package is keeping me at bay in becoming a member to a gym. I continue to tell myself to get back into the groove of sweating it all out so I can feel better about myself and lose some of this weight. I'll find the right place for me soon enough, and then I'll think about it some more. Ah, the lure of procrastination.
So there it is folks. Lots of blah, blah, blah and some crapola. Yes, I've been feeling blue and depressed. Can you blame me? It's just life and I know I will survive. I am truly grateful for what I have and even what I don't have. I have a decent job, good friends and good parents. Sometimes life comes in big waves, good and bad. This wave may feel a little bad but I know there will be a really awesome wave coming soon and I'll be riding that wave for as long as I can. Hopefully the next list will be more joyful. elizinashe
1 comment:
What I know about you tells me that you will find that awesome wave and you know you have friends who can help you learn how to surf it.
Some advice (I'm a typical guy - I have to tell you how to fix things even if that's not what you're looking for-hahaha):
You've been talking/writing about the school thing almost since this blog started - don't give up! Follow the dream! The medical profession needs you.
Weight doesn't make a person who they are, but if you want to lose some, go for it! When you hit the goal, you'll feel better on so many levels.
Can't blame you for being depressed, but keep reading the end of your post. That optimism about your future will get you through the valleys. You know me well enough to know how I feel about optimism.
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