Anxiety & Obsessions

So my anxiety level has been sky high lately.  All this school stress is coming to a peak.  Tests after tests, projects to work on, paperwork to complete, sign, pay for and date so I can have the privilege to pay even more money to take my state exam in the next 3 months.  Not to forget that I still need to have my cat vaccinated, get an exam myself, pay for a crown on a very old tooth, clean the house at some point and maintain my sanity, or at least at this point, what's left of it.  Oh yeah, and there's is something called a resume that I need to work on and begin the process of finding a job before they are all snatched up. Or so I am told.  

I went today to have another passport picture made for my state exam paperwork that needs to be notarized and mailed before I take my test.  I came to realize that this would be my fourth 'passport' photo made in the last 20 years or so.  The first one was for a real passport way back in high school for an overseas trip.  I had another one done about eight years ago when I renewed my passport  in expectations of going again overseas with the man I was seeing at the time.  However, that plan never came to be.  (asshole.)  As a part of the nursing program process, I had to have a current passport photo along with craploads of paperwork.  That was two years ago.  Now I am in the final stretch of the game and I need yet again, a current passport photo for state license purposes.  Whatever.  

But on that obsessive note, as I was waiting to be fingerprinted, (yes for testing purposes), I was thinking of all the times I've had my photo taken for such occasions.  Being that you typically get two copies of your photo and being the packrat that I am, I know that I have all of my other copies of my passport photos.  Which struck in me the need to find all of my former photos and make a timeline of how I have changed or not changed in the last 20 years or so.  I know for a fact that I have all of those stupid 2 x 2 pictures of my head.  I know that I have placed them in groups of other pictures in various places.  I just can't find them!  And the obsessive part of me spent a good 45 minutes, if not an hour,  upon returning home frantically  looking at all the hot spots that would potentially contain my previous head shots.  As if it were a true priority!  However, I just could not let it go.  I had to find them!  I typically keep that sort of stuff in one central area, however I have clearly tossed those stupid little head shots somewhere else for projects that remain unfinished.  I finally realized that I was not going to find them today and the very last thing I needed to do was spend the rest of my evening tearing my house apart in attempt of locating such tomfoolery.  Clearly I was allowing my school induced anxiety to be channeled in a completely unnecessary direction.  So I stopped.  

My motivation behind in finding those stupid photos was primarily making a timeline of myself to a degree and observing the stages of my life that seemed important at that time.  I guess I was wanting to see how my life has changed over the years and look to see how much I have changed and grown as a person.  Not so much as to how much I have aged or anything, but to take a real look at myself and see what I have accomplished thus far compared to what my expectations were at the time all those other photos were taken.  That was, and still is, the primary motivator behind this side-tracked obsession, along with not wanting to deal with school stuff.   I know I will find the other pictures someday soon.  Just not today.  I have resigned to the fact that I am not focused enough for school crap tonight.  I think it's just gonna be an evening on the couch and early to bed so I can function at clinical tomorrow.  However, there is one cabinet I have yet to inspect.  Dare I?  Hmmm......  elizinashe

And So It Came....

Finally it snowed.  Only just a little in my area but just enough to screw things up.  I've been up since 5am all in preparations for my clinical that was to be.  Got word shortly after 6am that it was going to be delayed until 10am.  Texted a few of my study mates to confirm and pass along the message, ate some oatmeal and went back to bed.  Got up an hour and half later in preparations for the late delay and got updated information that clinical was to be cancelled altogether.  Whew.  That was okay by me since I slept horribly the night before and the roads were still quite dicey with high winds a-blowin' and snow still falling.  Communicated yet again with some classmates, turned on the tv and ate some yogurt.  (why was I hungry again?).

Fortunately, I was able to stay awake this time.  Stayed in my pjs for a while and then put some real clothes on despite that I was not going anywhere anytime soon.  I did however, get some school work done and posted some notes for my study mates for our next concept.   Finished some reading and highlighted my class notes.  Smoked too much in the process and had a cat in my space the whole time.  Fell asleep again around 1230.  (really?).

I was woken up by a big gust of wind.  (yikes!).  Thankfully nothing fell to the ground but it was enough to motivate me to get up and do something.  Feeling restless I went to my local joint for a late lunch and some wine.  It was a snow day afterall.  Ate half of my quesadillas, had two glasses of wine and took some apple cake home.  Good timing.  The roads were getting dicey again.  Reluctantly watched Oprah Walters, I mean Katie, because I don't have cable and there was nothing else on and I wan't in the mood to continue any more school stuff.  Took a few pics and plopped down on the couch.  

Then comes the local news.  And I eat AGAIN!!  As if I hadn't had enough already.  Sheesh.  What is it about cold weather that makes you eat all damn day?  They say when the weather is cold that your body needs more calories to stay warm.  Fine.  I get it.  I just hope that we don't have any more cold, wintery days ahead.  Otherwise I might end up entering the spring season as a big, fat bloated pig instead of a fluffy, spritely lamb.  Now to tackle the dishes and ignore the apple cake that's waiting for me in the fridge.  
Stay safe and warm my friends!  Spring has got to be on it's way soon!  elizinashe

Foo Dog is ready for Spring!

Quips & Bits

It's been all things cardio lately.  The heart is an amazing thing.  Physically and emotionally.  But I will refrain from the emotional part.  That's a whole different world.  However, the physical stuff is really mind blowing.  It's a shame that most people don't take good care of their ticker.  Including me.  I really should stop smoking and get back into that thing called exercise. 

The weather has been really crazy this winter.  Warm days, high winds, lots of rain, quick biting cold weather peppered with snow and then another warm up.  And more rain on the way.  I fear that next winter might be a doozy.  All this rain will eventually change to snow.  And previous rainy winters have proved to be more snowy the next time around.   Tune in next year for my report. 

Valentine's Day came & went.  I spent my day with some of my study mates prepping for a test we have tomorrow.  Lucky me.  At least I wasn't alone.  Sure would have liked a kiss though from a handsome man.  Guess I will have to wait for that one.  Valentine's Day is overrated anyway.  I get more kicks at mailing out V-Day cards than a romantic dinner and flowers.  

I have a wonderful fairy tale locked in my head regarding DIC.( again, more nursing crap.)  I keep writing the story in my head as I am studying the disorder itself.  And then I start laughing which leads to more distraction.   I just may have to hammer it out after our test for shits & giggles.  If I start it tonight I might not sleep very well nor will I remember anything else that I should know test wise.    Funny how things pop up in your head when it's not convenient.  It's gonna be a great story though.  Stay tuned for your educational entertainment. You just might learn something.  haha....

And that's it folks!  Stay warm, stay tuned and stay healthy!  elizinashe

The Last Push

Here we go, here we go!  Bada bing zoom!  Pitter patter on the windows, belly belly  nice, meowing demands, smoke rings in the air, lingering red delicious fermented grapes left in my new crackled glass, books on the floor, reading completed and checklist in my head.  Dishes done, laundry in the dryer, toilet temporarily repaired, bills paid and aspirations positively hopeful.  Next week begins the meltdown. 

Welcome back to school.  elizinashe
See ya in a few weeks. 

New Year Traditions

Happy New Year!  I'm pretty traditional I suppose.  I guess that's not a bad thing either.  I keep New Year's Eve festivities rather tame, enjoy my time with friends, have a New Year's Day feast and make a list of things I want to bring into my life for the next year.  I've always said that if you throw it out to the universe and make some effort that it will come to you.  I usually make a list a leave it out on my coffee table only to get lost in a pile of junk and soon to be lost amongst school stuff.  This year I think I will post a few of my wishes to put out there in cyberspace as well as the universe.  I hope that 2013 will undoubtedly be full of prosperity and positive change.  I hope that your 2013 will be filled with the same. 

-I wish money in perfect ways so that I can keep a roof over my head, food in my belly, and begin to pay off all those school loans.  
-I wish to get back into shape and lose some of this school induced stress eating weight that has accrued these last few months.  I wish for good health and healthier ways to cope with my anxieties and stress.
-I wish to gain more confidence in myself as I do have days where I feel completely lost.  And when I do feel completely lost I wish for strength and guidance to get me back on my feet. 
-I wish to complete this nursing school process and be successful with my endeavors.  It sure does get scary sometimes.  
-I wish for healthy relationships and healthy romantic love as I have missed having a stable and comfortable companion to share my life with.  
-I wish to travel more and have the funds to do so.  I want to see my friends that are scattered across the map.  And of course, I need more Dave.  That, is a given.  
-I wish to take photos again and write more creatively.  That has taken a back seat because of school and I cannot wait to have the time to do that again.  
-I wish for a better home that I can afford as I am so tired of living in this tiny, damp little box of a house.  I dream of a bigger kitchen and a dishwasher.  And with that bigger kitchen I hope to cook more often and eventually have good friends over for dinner.   
-I wish for a better car as mine has had many repairs that are getting too costly.  I'm just about over it.  
-I wish for better furniture and a more congruent decorating theme as my stuff is outdated and not quite me anymore.  I want that extra space to really hone in on that eclectic, inviting feel with lots of color.  This is one area that I will not be so traditional.  
-I wish for fun holiday festivities filled with good friends.  Sometimes your friends become your family and I'm okay with that.  

And so my readers, there is my list.  That's not too much to ask for now is it?  What's on your list?  elizinashe

Survival and New Beginnings

What a long, long fall season it has been.  I survived yet another semester of nursing school and the holidays which have been peppered with beautiful days to nasty, rainy windy weather.  Luckily, I have had only one tree fall but there are still a few that could present with some danger.  I hope and pray that they stay upright until I can find another place to live as I have totally outgrown this little box and am very ready to move forward with my life in many ways.  

Money has been a constant worry and struggle this year.  I have fared well I suppose and have prayed hard for the right things to come my way.  Luckily, I was granted a small scholarship  from a professional ladies organization that one of my mother's friends belong to.  That was certainly a blessing.  Plus, I have received free federal money finally, (one which includes the NC State Lottery Education fund!) and some extra federal loans that I took out to keep me well cushioned.  A small sigh of relief I have.  Whew! 

The holiday break has given me much relief as I was about to lose my mind.  My house is finally cleaner than it has been in a very long time.  I might get one more good cleaning day done before school starts all over again therefore, the vacuum goes into hibernation.  I have had some really good sleep and very peaceful evenings.  Although I know some of our course content for the spring is already posted and I probably should look at it I just refuse to do so right now.  All I want to do is relax and get this little box of a home organized so I don't have to worry about it once I start back up.  I intend to thoroughly enjoy this break from school.  Many afternoon naps have been had and King Hecubus the Snaggletooth is very happy that he has me around to keep him warm as he likes to sleep right up in my face and stretch his paws up into my hair so they don't get cold.  Spoilage, I tell ya!  

So there ya go my readers!  I have just a few more things to cross out on my 'break from school' checklist and then I can start off my last semester with a clear mind.  I know for certain my little brain will be all confused and jumbled after that first day of orientation once class starts again.   I want to start off my New Year with all the good vibes I can get!  I will certainly need them to see me through this last hurdle.  Until then, it's time to do some cooking!  Woo hoo!  elizinashe

Where Did We Go Wrong?

The holidays are upon us.  The stores are geared up for magical displays with miles of needless crap in the isles, holidays sales ads have replaced political propaganda and local store hours are making the local news.  Apparently, Thanksgiving means a quick meal and then a dash to the local Wal-Mart for those fabulous holiday deals and then off to camp out at Target for the crack of dawn money saving extravaganzas.  

I find it disgusting that as a country that we place more value on material objects for the holidays vs. spending time with family and friends.  We have become so disconnected from our emotions that a new, shiny, super wide screen television says 'I love you' more as opposed to giving someone a good, long hug and saying those words verbally to that person.  Why would anyone want to leave their children in bed and rush out to the store in the wee hours of the morning after eating a big family meal only to get some stupid ass toy that won't mean a thing, other than materialism.  What are we teaching the next generation? 

I would be blessed to have children of my own but I don't.  And if I did have my own kids, I sure as hell wouldn't be going to the store to find the latest and greatest for my kid especially on Thanksgiving night or Black Friday.  That's just stupid. I would hope that my children would have similar values like myself and find more enjoyment with loved one as opposed to an object that could never give back any affection or create loving memories.  I place more value on spending time with my family, at least what's left of it, and my friends with good food, good wine and good music.  That's what's really important to me and that is one thing you will never find at the store!  elizinashe