Ah, the Holidays

I have a love/hate relationship with the holidays. I'm sure it's quite normal but it puts me in such a funk every year that I have a hard time shaking it off. You think with years of experience that I'd be used to it by now, but no, it gets me every time. What the hell?? Is there some holiday diagnosis disorder that I'm not aware of? And why do I get so bah-humbug as the events come closer? I truly love having some decorations around the house, something sparkly and festive, sending happy cards and picking out fun gifts for my family and friends and sending gifts out to all my girls who have babies of their own, but when it comes closer to stopping and spending the quality time with my parents and what feels the exaggerated effort to make that time a happy one is what stresses me out. Now, we all have our baggage when it comes to family stuff but I have very little back-up on my side and it just feels uncomfortable. I sometimes wish I could hang out with someone else's family. Be a part of something different.

Don't get me wrong, I am damn lucky to have what I have. I had a pretty good childhood but as time went on the family harmony became strained and there was not much communication(or support I feel). We just kinda went our separate ways, so it's like we don't know how to be a family anymore. I just dread it sometimes. I suppose it could be alot worse. I know it could. But I just can't help the way I feel and I can't help feeling alone and unsupported. I know my parents support me in many ways but there is also alot of fear for me on their part because 'something might happen to me' and then that would just break their heart. Trust me, you might think that I'm exaggerating on this quip but I have heard it for myself many years ago. Yeah, there's no guilt there placed on my shoulders or anything...geeze, does it get any better?? Suggestions anyone? Just asking..I needed to bitch and whine. Hope everyone has a really good holiday. elizinashe