How Do You Know?

I Hate Not Knowing

I have a really old kitty.  The last couple of years have been rather hard on him, but he always seems to rally around after his visits to the vet.  For the most part, it's always the same: UTI, constipation, nausea or just a plain illness that has no specific description. 

I will not allow him to suffer.  And there have been many, many times when I thought he was coming to his end.  But his antics at the vet clinic tells me different.  The last two times it's been a bit more mild, including tonight. 

I was all set about a month ago to make that call when he had a bad night and that issue resolved itself without a trip to the vet that night, but the next day he started to rebound and became is old self.  It's so hard to know...since then he's been fine except for the past week and especially the last two days. 

I've always trusted my gut instinct. (Well, mostly).  And I knew I needed to take him in to be seen.  I waited for a few hours, waiting to see if things were going to change but they didn't.  So I took him in.  He didn't put up much of a fight, and we got some meds real quick.  He didn't fight much but he did complain.  And my gut told me that it's just not time nor is he ready.  Or so I feel.  But how do you really know?  I totally knew with my tabby when I had to send him on his next adventure a few years back.  But with Hecubus...it's a bit more difficult. 

I've always felt that your animals will tell you when it's time.  If you know what I mean.  Same with humans.  At least for the most part.  I know he does not feel well.  I'm hoping the meds will give him some comfort and some improvement as I am scheduled to go back to work the next three nights and I cannot stand the thought of him being in pain or fading away while I'm working all night.   No, I don't feel like I'm keeping him alive unnecessarily.  I just want him to be comfortable and eat what he has been ignoring today.  But my gut tells me it might not happen as soon as I hope. 

Another thing is that I have been waiting for his time to come with a hope that it happens when I'm not scheduled to work or have this all happen when I have a long stretch of days off.  But life has a funny way of throwing things out when the time is right which is not always on your timeline.  And his next adventure is on his timeline, not mine.  Sigh...

It's so hard to lose a pet.  So very hard.  And I've had Hecubus since he was a tiny kitten.  He fit perfectly in the palm of my hand.  And grew into a solid 10lb black lapwarmer with headbutts, purrs and would paw me for attention.  These days he no longer purrs which apparently is normal, weighs about 7lbs now with very little body fat, or muscle but still headbutts me and paws me for attention.  That hasn't changed.  Neither has lying on top of me when I'm lying on the couch.  Those are some of my favorite moments.  Especially these last few years. 

No, I'm not keeping him alive just for the sake of keeping him alive.  But I will do anything to keep him comfortable until it is time to send him off on the next adventure.  And I feel like it's going to come soon.  Which breaks my heart but I know it will be the right thing to do when all that mess appears.  It's not going to be pretty folks.  That's for sure.  I just hope all will go smoothly when we both cross that bridge.  Say a little prayer for us both.  I sure will need it.  Thanks in advance.  Until next time...elizinashe.

My Old Man Kitty Hecubus