Heavy Mind, Heavy Heart

Feeling a Bit Like This

It's been a bit of an emotional roller coaster for me tonight.  Lots of adulting things taking hold of my brain.  And lots of tears too.  Sometimes its good to cry.  I think I've needed it for a while.

I love my life.  I really do.  But there have been many priorities that have taken..well..priority and it's beginning to suck really hard.  What the most difficult thing about it all is that it's all on me.  Meaning, I am having to handle this all on my own.  At least financially. And some of that is beginning to suck big time.   The emotional part...well...I have good friends but having an anchor to vent to, to share with, to rely on...not so much.  Even though I've met someone new.  And that's beginning to change a bit I feel and I always go with my gut. Not that I need a guy to rely on but still...I'm feeling very emotionally alone tonight on many levels. 

What I've really been struggling with tonight is not having my brother.  God I miss him.  You go through periods of time when's all is cool and you cope with it all just fine.  And others...well you're just all to pieces.  And that's where I'm pretty much am tonight.  I need his advice.  I need his guidance.  I need his help.  I need his insight on what to do with our parents as they age because at this point, it's all on me.

Now...my parents are just fine these days.  Really.  But I've got my own surprising issues which somewhat frightens me although I know it's mostly likely nothing major, but it's also a reminder of reality.  And I hate that sometimes.  In fact, I really hate it.  At least tonight.  Let's just say that I have a really fucked up body that I have no control over and it can complicate things.  Physically, emotionally, financially, self esteem with an added bonus of intimacy issues as well.  Lucky me. 

Reality is a reminder of what is real and what can never overcome wishful thinking.  At least in my book.  I can't control everything nor can I control the future.  Or even my future.  But what I can control is how I handle what comes to pass.  And right now it's all just overwhelming.  All I know what to do is just allow myself to cry and feel all the feels even though it hurts.  Sometimes it's the only way to come back into your normal self.  If there is such a thing.  haha...Normal that is. 

In the meantime, as I take some intermittent time to sit on my deck on a cloudy, cooler night I embrace the coming change of the seasons.  The weather here is changing and I look forward to my mood and mentality to change right along with tilt of the Earth.  My guess it will be a very good thing. 

I hope the coming Fall shift will be good for us all.  Until next time...elizinashe

Let It All Fall Away