Cans and Shoulds

Taking Care of Me

So I did it.  Made that counseling appointment and today was the day.  I had some expected anxieties about it all, mostly due to the fact I had some adulting things to tackle before and after in the daytime hours but I got it done and did fairly well.  I coped.  I survived.  Even in the unexpected down pour of a storm which made driving on a busy road a bit nerve wracking.

But alas...it was well.  Did I make any breakthroughs?  Of course not.  Did I vent?  Yes.  My mouth opened up and I garbled away.  Plus the therapist gave me her expectations, covered a few mandatory questions and gave me the heads up about what may come to pass if she feels I need something more specialized or will guide me in that direction if I want it.  And I hope that happens.  I think I need to be doing this gig for a while.  I have a lot of bugs to clear. 

What I did realize is that I struggle with what I "can" do and what I "should " do.  In other words, we are capable of so much, despite the social expectations, family expectations, peer expectations and so on.  And I struggle with the guilt of it all but at the end of the day, I need to be okay with my decisions and my capabilities vs what I think I should be doing to fulfill the said expectations, social norms and blah, blah, blah.  I know that may sound a bit cryptic without going into all the details but that's the nutshell.  And of course, there is anger and guilt that still likes to make it's home in my head.  Still working on that. 

In the end of it all, I felt good about going.  I felt relieved.  And I saw two former co-workers at the grocery store afterwards who greeted me with big, fat hugs.  And that felt good.  I think that was a pretty good way to begin that shopping experience don't ya think?   Small steps...I guess that's better than no steps at all.  Until next time...elizinashe

And Working On Some Of This