Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes...

Do I Have To? 

Change is hard.  Especially when you are used to something that is safe and comfortable.  But, change is inevitable.  That's a fact.  Might as well embrace it and move forward.  Otherwise you really won't grow.  

My bank recently informed me that I will be charged an $8.00 fee per month for my monthly statements.  I wasn't really surprised.  But..I wasn't happy about it either.  However, I can receive 'credits' if I keep a minimum balance of X amount of dollars or X amount of debit transactions and more credits if I choose to receive on-line statements, instead of paper.  Thus, I can totally eliminate all fees by going paperless and keeping a set amount of money in my account at all times.  Sounds easy enough, but I do like my paper.  I like getting those monthly statements and checking things off so I know how much money I've spent (eek!) and making sure my balance matches what my bank statement says.  Needless to say, I've gone to paperless statements to which they will now arrive in my email account.  Ugh.  I already get enough crap in my email and most of it is junk these days.  Aside from work, does anyone really email anyone anymore?  Anyway..so I'm moving forward in this endeavor.  I refuse to pay any bank fees just to be a customer.  Hopefully I won't screw things up in my attempts to do this on-line banking thing.  

My mother has been going through some changes herself which is making her think twice about a lot of things, to which I'm pretty sure it's got her freaked the hell out and she's not willing to totally admit that to me.  And it looks like my role in the situation will be taking more of a lead to which I know she will have some real struggle with.  She's always been a really strong and independent woman and these life changes that she is facing is going to be really hard.  And I think it's all beginning to really sink in and she's beginning to make some changes that I think are not so smart on her part, because she's beginning to get a little panicked.  That I  know, without her admitting that to me.  Keeping my fingers crossed that she doesn't do anything totally stupid.  If only she would listen to me....I mean, really listen to me.  And that is key.  Otherwise, she will be miserable.  And I will leave it at that.  

So..how do you handle change?  They say 'Change is good'.  And I will agree with that.  At least for the most part. Some changes are not so nice.  And it's those 'not so nice' changes that really freak me out and throw me out of my element.  I hope that the changes that are ahead of me are nice and slow so I can transition and get comfortable in that new skin.  I know it won't be easy but there's not too much I can do to make it different.  Fingers crossed and deep breaths, this too shall pass.  elizinashe

Letting Go & Moving Forward

A Good Reminder...

Sometimes the hardest thing is to just "let go" and keep going.  I tend to worry a lot.  Sometimes it holds me back.  Sometimes it drives me crazy.  Sometimes I just ignore it.  I think I need to practice the 'ignoring' part more.  

There's a really great movie on the tube tonight.  However, it brings me back to a time in my life that wasn't so pretty.  In fact, it was probably one of the lowest points in my life.  What really bothers me about this remembrance is the absolute solitude that surrounded me at that time, despite my parents being around me.  They too, were going through their own crapola, and as a result, did not even recognize how much I was hurting and how much I needed them to be my parents instead of having their own pissing contest between them.  And I was a witness to all of that.  Not a good thing.  It just made matters worse in my world and reinforced that lonely feeling I was already struggling with.  

I am thankful for where I am today.  In a way, I wouldn't not have made it if it weren't for that horrible time in my life.  I hope to God that I won't have to live like that ever again.  I don't know if I can survive that again.  It's stressful enough knowing that as my parents age, that I am the one to be their advocate and caretaker.  Alone.  I am the surviving child, as my brother died unexpectedly when he was 20 years old.  And my cousins have their own shit so I really don't depend on them.  So...it's on me.  And as my mother has had some recent issues and my dad seems to be clueless as to what he needs to be aware of, it makes me worry at times.  Who's going to be my guide?  Who's going to be my rock when I lose my shit?  

I love the life that I have right now.  I can only hope it will get better.  It's tough doing it all alone.  I don't think people understand how much of a challenge it can be supporting yourself and being responsible for so much.  I don't think people understand that even though you have a good job, and a nice place to live, you still have to make sacrifices.  And that gets pretty boring.  So instead of going out all weekend long, going to see live music or a movie, I choose to stay home.  Why?  Because it's not that easy.  When you have unexpected bills and planned bills, those things add up.  So, in order to keep my wits about me, I have stayed home this weekend despite my want to go and find me a live band somewhere and eat up some live action.  I do thrive on that...and I should do it more.  And I would have if I hadn't had an unexpected vehicle repair.  But, whatever....I have wheels that work.  And that is priority.  

And so, as I end this self pitying post, I will return to my movie, reminding my self of how far I have come and reminding myself that there is so much more waiting for me.  That my friends, is something I tend to forget.  Tomorrow always comes.  I have faith that tomorrow will be a better day.  Until next time....elizinashe

Need to Practice This More...

Restless Anxieties

Yep. 

It's getting late and I should be tired.  Or at least, getting tired.  But I'm not.  The longer I stay up, the more I think of what I need to do, and quickly, before I return to work.  My "to do" list is beginning to stress me out.  

Got the car repaired today, only to have a quick glitch on my way home.  Turned around back to the mechanic's and had that minor glitch tweaked.  I'm hoping my car will be truly repaired and back in working order.  I can't stand being stranded, and I hate waiting on my car to be repaired.  I just hate waiting in general.  

Still trying to get that follow up consult situated with my vet.  I again, had to call to remind them that the referral has not gone through as promised, and I want to get that follow up appointment set up ASAP.  But the weekend approacheth, which means I won't be seen until next week.  Ugh...I want to see what's going on with my cat's hindquarters and I don't want to return to work without that follow up.  I don't want to be worried about my cat while I'm away taking care of my patients.  It's a horrible feeling.  And I don't like working that way. 

Speaking of work, I have a computer update class for work which will take up most of my day Tuesday.  Which..takes up more precious time that I could use getting shit done.  Plus, my mother has been on me to come up to the house and retrieve another box that has been left behind.  She's all wound up about cleaning out the basement, getting rid of crap and getting the house painted and repaired.  I don't know why she's so obsessed with all of this, but this has been her focus this past couple of months and it's driving me nuts.  Plus, it makes me wonder what she's really up to.  What is she planning that she has not told me about?  And is her health in more of a danger than she's letting on?  She's already had a couple of issues this past couple of weeks, to which she finally told me only because a common friend had told her, if she did not tell me what was up, then he would.  So...she was forced to fess up with me.  And she's in deep doo-doo with me for not telling me sooner not to mention making some stupid choices.  I don't need that kind of stress right now.  

So...it's car stuff, cat stuff, house stuff, mom stuff and as a result watching my spending due to all this "extra stuff".  Ugh...Probably doesn't help that I've been watching "The King's Speech" this evening.  Poor guy was just riddled with anxiety which most likely was the root cause of his stammer.  Poor guy.  Great movie though.  Until next time...elizinashe

I'd Much Rather Be Here....

Peeps, Food, Music & a Lame Kitty

I Dig Gargoyles

When it rains it pours.  So they say.  My 'stay-cation' is turning to be fruitful and frightful.  Guess it can't all be rosy, eh?

I've got a friend coming over for dinner.  Which makes me happy.  I've spent the day cleaning up some last minute stuff and taking random pictures around the house.  Got have a fun distraction, right?  

However, my car has some flashing VSC indicator lights when I drive, which makes me nervous.  I've had my share of vehicle problems all through nursing school.  I don't want anymore.  Luckily, I have an appointment set up for tomorrow with my mechanic.  Plus, upon my research, my car is still drivable at this point, which means I can make it safely to the repair shop, and most likely, it won't be a huge issue.  At least that's my wish.  

But, my dear Hecubus is becoming more lame mobility wise.  His back leg is beginning to give out a bit more.  And I'm getting frustrated with my veterinarian.  One, they misplaced an X-ray that I had done back in December, to which they have now found.  Two, the referral to an orthopedic vet never was faxed or received.  Umm...I've been trying to get a proper diagnosis for three weeks now and I feel like I keep getting the run-around.  It's very frustrating.  Hecubus moves around okay, but it's the stairs he's having real issues with, plus he get pretty anxious and paces around.  Sometimes, he looks down the stairs as if he's debating about going down.  And yes, I pick him up and carry him up and down the stairs as often as I can.  Especially if I know I'm going to be spending a lot of time upstairs, or going to bed, as he likes being around me at all times.  I just want him to be comfortable and I don't want to come home to a cat screaming in pain.  It just breaks my heart...knowing what may come to pass.  

So as I finish up household duties, listening to some  Muse on iHeart radio, I peck away on my keyboard and anxiously await to begin dinner festivities.  It's been a relaxing day for the most part and I am so freakin' glad I took time away from work this week.  I more than needed it.  Until next time....elizinashe

Stormy Thoughts

Dare I Say It? 

A quick flash of light, rolling thunder and rain hitting my windows as I watch the ending of the Shawshank Redemption.  Seems fitting...

Struggling thoughts drift in and out of my head.  Ribbons of anger and frustration.  Then worry and regret.  Then the 'what if' begins to banter in my head.  And what if that 'what if ' comes to pass...then how will I deal?  Can't I have some more time?  What details do I not know?  And then a bit of panic quickens my heart.  What happened to the days of not having a worry in mind? 

A bit cryptic I know...but, without going into much detail, I just wanted to hammer this out.  Tomorrow is a new day with new challenges.  There is a quote saying "Keep calm and dance in the rain".  That I have done before...and it was fun. Many times over.  This time, it feels a bit different and a little more scary.  And I'm a bit afraid to stand out in this storm.  Don't think an umbrella will help me much at this point.  I hate umbrellas anyway...There's nothing wrong with getting a little wet.  I just hope this uneasy feeling will work itself out.  I'm ready for a rainbow.  Aren't you?  

By the way, according to my log-in page, I've had 304 posts, 272 of them published.  This will be 273 once I hit the 'publish' button, and 10,770 'page views'.  I know of two active readers, possibly three.  So who else is reading me these days?  Who are these 'page views'?   And if I do have an anonymous reader or two, then who are they?  And did I lose them with this confusing post?  Curious, I am...my mind does tend to wander about.  Sometimes a bit too much.  That's normal, right?  Until next time....  elizinashe

Stay Strong Little One!

Where's My Magic Wand?

Ever Feel This Way?

How does one "do it all'?  How do you balance your responsibilities with social activities?  Ugh...one of my many challenges and struggles.  

Now that the weather is more friendly, I've been wanting to tap into that more.  You know, get out and hike, go take pictures, hit the beach, sit outside and eat at a nice local joint outside somewhere, hook up with friends, go see a concert....all that fun stuff that so many others seemingly do all summer long.  But...when it's just you...sometimes that's a challenge.  Meaning, all that stuff costs extra money.  And when you're the only income coming into the home...that extra spending can add up quick.  Not to mention when you have unexpected expenses pop up that take away from that fun time spending.  Like the two trips to the vet I had this past month.  Ugh.

Plus, house stuff...just had my deck painted and protected.  Which has always been a plan, but the supplies and labor was fair enough.  But still...instead of going to a concert I wanted to see this past Saturday night, I stayed home.  Which actually was fine.  I was dog tired.  And lying on my couch was just what I needed at that time. But, it was a show that I would have liked to see.  Oh well..maybe next time?   So now it's catch up time.  You know...laundry, food, tending to the flowers, clearing out boxes that still haunt me...and so on.  I guess that stuff never really ends.  I suppose I need to decide what's more important.  Having a perfect house or a perfect mind.  How do you have both?  Does anybody?  Looking for balance.  I've tried that Jennie blink.  Doesn't work.  Neither does that nose twitching thing.  Guess it never hurts to try, eh?  elizinashe

I Need More of This!