Letting Go & Moving Forward

A Good Reminder...

Sometimes the hardest thing is to just "let go" and keep going.  I tend to worry a lot.  Sometimes it holds me back.  Sometimes it drives me crazy.  Sometimes I just ignore it.  I think I need to practice the 'ignoring' part more.  

There's a really great movie on the tube tonight.  However, it brings me back to a time in my life that wasn't so pretty.  In fact, it was probably one of the lowest points in my life.  What really bothers me about this remembrance is the absolute solitude that surrounded me at that time, despite my parents being around me.  They too, were going through their own crapola, and as a result, did not even recognize how much I was hurting and how much I needed them to be my parents instead of having their own pissing contest between them.  And I was a witness to all of that.  Not a good thing.  It just made matters worse in my world and reinforced that lonely feeling I was already struggling with.  

I am thankful for where I am today.  In a way, I wouldn't not have made it if it weren't for that horrible time in my life.  I hope to God that I won't have to live like that ever again.  I don't know if I can survive that again.  It's stressful enough knowing that as my parents age, that I am the one to be their advocate and caretaker.  Alone.  I am the surviving child, as my brother died unexpectedly when he was 20 years old.  And my cousins have their own shit so I really don't depend on them.  So...it's on me.  And as my mother has had some recent issues and my dad seems to be clueless as to what he needs to be aware of, it makes me worry at times.  Who's going to be my guide?  Who's going to be my rock when I lose my shit?  

I love the life that I have right now.  I can only hope it will get better.  It's tough doing it all alone.  I don't think people understand how much of a challenge it can be supporting yourself and being responsible for so much.  I don't think people understand that even though you have a good job, and a nice place to live, you still have to make sacrifices.  And that gets pretty boring.  So instead of going out all weekend long, going to see live music or a movie, I choose to stay home.  Why?  Because it's not that easy.  When you have unexpected bills and planned bills, those things add up.  So, in order to keep my wits about me, I have stayed home this weekend despite my want to go and find me a live band somewhere and eat up some live action.  I do thrive on that...and I should do it more.  And I would have if I hadn't had an unexpected vehicle repair.  But, whatever....I have wheels that work.  And that is priority.  

And so, as I end this self pitying post, I will return to my movie, reminding my self of how far I have come and reminding myself that there is so much more waiting for me.  That my friends, is something I tend to forget.  Tomorrow always comes.  I have faith that tomorrow will be a better day.  Until next time....elizinashe

Need to Practice This More...