Guess I'm a Nite Owl Afterall...

I'd Kinda Like to be Here Right Now

Yep. I'm awake.  I should be asleep by now but I guess my body is just so acclimated to the cause that even in my off time, I'm still up.  No big deal really.  It just messes with my daytime plans.  And important ones, too.  Only us night shifters can understand where I'm coming from.  Sure wish my night driving eyesight were better.  I could take the opportunity to take some night pics.  Guess I need to eat some more carrots, eh? 

How close are you to your family?  I mean, are you super tight and tell each other everything?  Or is it just more a general type of family function?  Or perhaps, you all hate each other and only get together on holidays because that's just what you're supposed to do. 

I'm fairly close with my parents.  I know my mother wishes we could be closer, but there are and have been issues that just made things different for me, even at a young age.  My dad...well..we are pretty close but it seems that we are closer on the telephone than in person.  Does that sound weird?  Maybe it's me.  Maybe I have a hard time getting close to people.  Or maybe it's just getting close to my family.  I have some pretty tight friends, and they have seen me at my ugliest and lowest points and they have seen me at my very best.  And I have no problem telling my friends that I love them.  Family...that's a bit different.  Sometimes I know why, and other times I do not.  I just wish it would feel, or shall I say be normal to be that way. 

So what do you do when you can't sleep?  Other than think of totally random things like family and "being close", which clearly is what is on my mind tonight.    Make yourself some scrambled eggs, have a glass of wine and a smoke and go to bed.  And in that order.  (insert winking emoji here.)  I've already devoured my eggs, my wine glass is almost empty and I'm ready for that smoke.  Nitey nite!  elizinashe

Musings in the Bathroom

No Norman Here....

Why is it that the most random thoughts pop into your head while you're in the shower?  It's not surprise to me that some of the greatest ideas have happened while you're sitting on the john or soaking in the tub.  Guess it's just one of those things. 

As I was taking my shower this afternoon, the most random thought came to light.  I think we can all agree that the world we live in is so much different than the world we grew up in.  When I was younger, like say 9, 10 years old...and after, my mom would happily drop me and my friend(s) off at the local pool and pick us up later.  Yep.  Us younglings were released from parental supervision to spend the afternoon at the pool, where anything could have happened, but never did.  I remember being dropped off at the movies with my friends, all by ourselves with no parents, to catch a show.  These days, I wonder if parents do the same.  I know if I were a parent I sure as hell wouldn't drop off my kid without some sort of adult supervision.  Our world today is just too fucked up to leave kids alone like that.  I guess I am lucky that I had that experience, and even luckier still that nothing horrible happened.  

Ah politics....I'm tired of it already.  I'm really not one to voice a lot of opinions on the matter but it's getting a little hard lately.  Simply because people are misinformed, stupid and believing all the bullshit that has been dished out because our country has been brainwashed that our current leader has led our country into a horrible despair.  Which, I believe is not true.  I don't understand why the general public expects our President(s) to be perfect and fix all of our national problems in their first year of term and/or their whole term.  That's just not realistic.  C'mon folks...let's get real.  And to insult and devalue a veteran and POW who has served, and still serving our country,  is completely unpatriotic.  What a freakin' idiot.  Have some respect jackass.  And keep talking...soon enough all political parties will happily kick you out of the running and I will rejoice on that day in full regalia.  That will be a most joyful day indeed.  Now to work on the other contenders....keeping my fingers crossed.  

I work in a really difficult field.  It's kinda my norm really.  Some days are really tough, and others are just like any other day.  No big deal.  Just like any other job.  I think anyone could say that regardless of what they do for a living.  But today, as I was coming home from work, I realized how lucky I really am.  Not because I have a good job, to which I do, but I am thankful for having some pretty good health, a nice roof over my head and my wits about me.  I have come across some really sick people.  Not only physically but mentally as well.  Most physical issues you can heal, or find ways to live your life.  For those with mental illness, its a daily battle.  Especially those who so caught up in a world that's not really real, but real to them, it can be a horrible life.  And there is very little to change that.  Yes, medicines can help, but it won't make it go away completely.  You can take meds to get rid of a cold or a headache, but you can't take away mental illness.  And that must be a very difficult thing to live with every day.  I wish people understood that more.  

And so...I will end it here.  I still am in desperate need of a beach getaway.  I'm so jealous of other people's beach vacations and their pictures to prove it that have been splashed across my news feed on FB.  I had vowed after nursing school that I'd make a quick getaway to the beach, as I have not been in about 10 years or so.  But alas...I just haven't been able to go.  Maybe next year.  However, as I have said before, if you put it out there in the Universe, then it will come to you.  So I will leave a nice beachy pic to which I hope to be in that beachy pic this time next year.  Guess I better start working on the bikini body, eh?  elizinashe

Don't Forget the Flipflops!

Picky Bits

Ever Feel Like This?

Ever feel like you're being "left out'?  Like you're the last kid to be picked to be a member of the team?  I've been that kid.  And it didn't feel good. I kinda feel like I'm in that place again.  Kinda sucks.  And what kind of word is "kinda" anyway? 

I've learned that the house next door to me has become one of those Airbnb rentals.  I had my suspicions one weekend and upon my internet search, sure enough there it was.  So far, the clients who have been in and out, which have been many this past month, have been pretty quiet.  What has really irked me is that there have been two occasions where these visitors parked behind my house in my extra driveway.  Not cool.  Both cars were removed after I had asked them to move.  Why would a complete stranger park in somebody else's house when they are not the guest of that home?  I find it quite rude.  I've already contacted the owners of this Airbnb thru their website, asking them to remind their clients that they are not allowed to park on my property.  If it happens again, it won't be pretty.  If you are not my guest, my friend or my family then don't park in my driveway.  Period.  

How long is too long to respond to a message?  I'm a rather inpatient person by nature but I have sent two different friends a message regarding this weekend in the last couple of days and so far no reply.  Nothing.  Kinda makes me wonder.  Makes me a bit sad too.  It's hard to keep up with friends, especially when you have a crazy work schedule such as mine.  So when I reach out it means I really want to talk to you. 

 I envy those who have normal working schedules and have all sorts of fun and exciting things planned.  I envy those who are able to take long vacations and make several beach trips during the year.  It must be nice.  And I am glad that they are able to do so.  But there's a part of me that's a bit jealous.  Maybe a lot jealous...I just haven't had the opportunity to have that pleasure.  I'm a one income household.  And that can be a bit difficult at times.  I'm very happy to be independent, don't    get me wrong about that.  I've worked very hard to get back on my feet, and have a good income.  But it's still a struggle at times and there are days that I wish that there was another person by my side to share this journey with me.  Struggles and all.  That's not too much to ask is it? 

In the meantime, the wheels are turning in my head to plan ahead and do something really fun at the end of the year.  I want to be somewhere sunny and warm, surrounded by friends for New Year's Eve.  I have a couple of ideas planted in my head already.  The trick is getting some peeps together to join me, as the holidays typically keep friends committed to their family fares.  Keeping my fingers crossed and my hopes realistic.  I really want to make this happen.  Hopefully I will find some victims to join me in my endeavor.  Wish me luck!  I just might need it.  elizinashe

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes...

Do I Have To? 

Change is hard.  Especially when you are used to something that is safe and comfortable.  But, change is inevitable.  That's a fact.  Might as well embrace it and move forward.  Otherwise you really won't grow.  

My bank recently informed me that I will be charged an $8.00 fee per month for my monthly statements.  I wasn't really surprised.  But..I wasn't happy about it either.  However, I can receive 'credits' if I keep a minimum balance of X amount of dollars or X amount of debit transactions and more credits if I choose to receive on-line statements, instead of paper.  Thus, I can totally eliminate all fees by going paperless and keeping a set amount of money in my account at all times.  Sounds easy enough, but I do like my paper.  I like getting those monthly statements and checking things off so I know how much money I've spent (eek!) and making sure my balance matches what my bank statement says.  Needless to say, I've gone to paperless statements to which they will now arrive in my email account.  Ugh.  I already get enough crap in my email and most of it is junk these days.  Aside from work, does anyone really email anyone anymore?  Anyway..so I'm moving forward in this endeavor.  I refuse to pay any bank fees just to be a customer.  Hopefully I won't screw things up in my attempts to do this on-line banking thing.  

My mother has been going through some changes herself which is making her think twice about a lot of things, to which I'm pretty sure it's got her freaked the hell out and she's not willing to totally admit that to me.  And it looks like my role in the situation will be taking more of a lead to which I know she will have some real struggle with.  She's always been a really strong and independent woman and these life changes that she is facing is going to be really hard.  And I think it's all beginning to really sink in and she's beginning to make some changes that I think are not so smart on her part, because she's beginning to get a little panicked.  That I  know, without her admitting that to me.  Keeping my fingers crossed that she doesn't do anything totally stupid.  If only she would listen to me....I mean, really listen to me.  And that is key.  Otherwise, she will be miserable.  And I will leave it at that.  

So..how do you handle change?  They say 'Change is good'.  And I will agree with that.  At least for the most part. Some changes are not so nice.  And it's those 'not so nice' changes that really freak me out and throw me out of my element.  I hope that the changes that are ahead of me are nice and slow so I can transition and get comfortable in that new skin.  I know it won't be easy but there's not too much I can do to make it different.  Fingers crossed and deep breaths, this too shall pass.  elizinashe

Letting Go & Moving Forward

A Good Reminder...

Sometimes the hardest thing is to just "let go" and keep going.  I tend to worry a lot.  Sometimes it holds me back.  Sometimes it drives me crazy.  Sometimes I just ignore it.  I think I need to practice the 'ignoring' part more.  

There's a really great movie on the tube tonight.  However, it brings me back to a time in my life that wasn't so pretty.  In fact, it was probably one of the lowest points in my life.  What really bothers me about this remembrance is the absolute solitude that surrounded me at that time, despite my parents being around me.  They too, were going through their own crapola, and as a result, did not even recognize how much I was hurting and how much I needed them to be my parents instead of having their own pissing contest between them.  And I was a witness to all of that.  Not a good thing.  It just made matters worse in my world and reinforced that lonely feeling I was already struggling with.  

I am thankful for where I am today.  In a way, I wouldn't not have made it if it weren't for that horrible time in my life.  I hope to God that I won't have to live like that ever again.  I don't know if I can survive that again.  It's stressful enough knowing that as my parents age, that I am the one to be their advocate and caretaker.  Alone.  I am the surviving child, as my brother died unexpectedly when he was 20 years old.  And my cousins have their own shit so I really don't depend on them.  So...it's on me.  And as my mother has had some recent issues and my dad seems to be clueless as to what he needs to be aware of, it makes me worry at times.  Who's going to be my guide?  Who's going to be my rock when I lose my shit?  

I love the life that I have right now.  I can only hope it will get better.  It's tough doing it all alone.  I don't think people understand how much of a challenge it can be supporting yourself and being responsible for so much.  I don't think people understand that even though you have a good job, and a nice place to live, you still have to make sacrifices.  And that gets pretty boring.  So instead of going out all weekend long, going to see live music or a movie, I choose to stay home.  Why?  Because it's not that easy.  When you have unexpected bills and planned bills, those things add up.  So, in order to keep my wits about me, I have stayed home this weekend despite my want to go and find me a live band somewhere and eat up some live action.  I do thrive on that...and I should do it more.  And I would have if I hadn't had an unexpected vehicle repair.  But, whatever....I have wheels that work.  And that is priority.  

And so, as I end this self pitying post, I will return to my movie, reminding my self of how far I have come and reminding myself that there is so much more waiting for me.  That my friends, is something I tend to forget.  Tomorrow always comes.  I have faith that tomorrow will be a better day.  Until next time....elizinashe

Need to Practice This More...

Restless Anxieties

Yep. 

It's getting late and I should be tired.  Or at least, getting tired.  But I'm not.  The longer I stay up, the more I think of what I need to do, and quickly, before I return to work.  My "to do" list is beginning to stress me out.  

Got the car repaired today, only to have a quick glitch on my way home.  Turned around back to the mechanic's and had that minor glitch tweaked.  I'm hoping my car will be truly repaired and back in working order.  I can't stand being stranded, and I hate waiting on my car to be repaired.  I just hate waiting in general.  

Still trying to get that follow up consult situated with my vet.  I again, had to call to remind them that the referral has not gone through as promised, and I want to get that follow up appointment set up ASAP.  But the weekend approacheth, which means I won't be seen until next week.  Ugh...I want to see what's going on with my cat's hindquarters and I don't want to return to work without that follow up.  I don't want to be worried about my cat while I'm away taking care of my patients.  It's a horrible feeling.  And I don't like working that way. 

Speaking of work, I have a computer update class for work which will take up most of my day Tuesday.  Which..takes up more precious time that I could use getting shit done.  Plus, my mother has been on me to come up to the house and retrieve another box that has been left behind.  She's all wound up about cleaning out the basement, getting rid of crap and getting the house painted and repaired.  I don't know why she's so obsessed with all of this, but this has been her focus this past couple of months and it's driving me nuts.  Plus, it makes me wonder what she's really up to.  What is she planning that she has not told me about?  And is her health in more of a danger than she's letting on?  She's already had a couple of issues this past couple of weeks, to which she finally told me only because a common friend had told her, if she did not tell me what was up, then he would.  So...she was forced to fess up with me.  And she's in deep doo-doo with me for not telling me sooner not to mention making some stupid choices.  I don't need that kind of stress right now.  

So...it's car stuff, cat stuff, house stuff, mom stuff and as a result watching my spending due to all this "extra stuff".  Ugh...Probably doesn't help that I've been watching "The King's Speech" this evening.  Poor guy was just riddled with anxiety which most likely was the root cause of his stammer.  Poor guy.  Great movie though.  Until next time...elizinashe

I'd Much Rather Be Here....

Peeps, Food, Music & a Lame Kitty

I Dig Gargoyles

When it rains it pours.  So they say.  My 'stay-cation' is turning to be fruitful and frightful.  Guess it can't all be rosy, eh?

I've got a friend coming over for dinner.  Which makes me happy.  I've spent the day cleaning up some last minute stuff and taking random pictures around the house.  Got have a fun distraction, right?  

However, my car has some flashing VSC indicator lights when I drive, which makes me nervous.  I've had my share of vehicle problems all through nursing school.  I don't want anymore.  Luckily, I have an appointment set up for tomorrow with my mechanic.  Plus, upon my research, my car is still drivable at this point, which means I can make it safely to the repair shop, and most likely, it won't be a huge issue.  At least that's my wish.  

But, my dear Hecubus is becoming more lame mobility wise.  His back leg is beginning to give out a bit more.  And I'm getting frustrated with my veterinarian.  One, they misplaced an X-ray that I had done back in December, to which they have now found.  Two, the referral to an orthopedic vet never was faxed or received.  Umm...I've been trying to get a proper diagnosis for three weeks now and I feel like I keep getting the run-around.  It's very frustrating.  Hecubus moves around okay, but it's the stairs he's having real issues with, plus he get pretty anxious and paces around.  Sometimes, he looks down the stairs as if he's debating about going down.  And yes, I pick him up and carry him up and down the stairs as often as I can.  Especially if I know I'm going to be spending a lot of time upstairs, or going to bed, as he likes being around me at all times.  I just want him to be comfortable and I don't want to come home to a cat screaming in pain.  It just breaks my heart...knowing what may come to pass.  

So as I finish up household duties, listening to some  Muse on iHeart radio, I peck away on my keyboard and anxiously await to begin dinner festivities.  It's been a relaxing day for the most part and I am so freakin' glad I took time away from work this week.  I more than needed it.  Until next time....elizinashe