Late Night Reflections

 This time last year, I was a mess.  

This time last year was a first.

This time last year I cried every tear.

This time last year I often pretended .

This time last year I was numb.  

This time last year I did not know how to do it all alone.


So much has changed.  Like for real.  In a blink of an eye it seems.  Hell, anything can change in a blink of an eye.  I know that for a fact and had learned that from experience at a young age, 15 to be exact.


But Life moved on, and sometimes very painfully so.  And I moved on as well.  The best way I knew how in that given time.  I survived.  


Fast forward to many, many moons later and I find myself making life altering decisions for my mother.  A role that I knew would be mine and mine alone, however there is nothing that you could ever do to prep yourself for that given moment.  For that phone call you receive . For the emotions that come rolling in as you try and comprehend what is being said to you while you try and compute all the information and fight to keep your rational brain from falling apart.   What a duet it becomes.


I really can't remember much of last Christmas.  I just existed.  Luckily I was away from work.  Luckily my father and I agreed that he needed to wait until Spring before he came out to "help" and visit due to the pandemic.  The numbers then were rising and the expectation of a vaccine was nowhere close in the near future.  Traveling was just not a smart decision and I am glad my father was comfortable with staying back in the home state.  And as selfish as it sounds, I was thankful that I had all that time to myself to regroup and find some peace of mind.  


I am sure there were phone calls to check on me.  Cards, letters, emails and texts.  I really just don't remember much.  It was all a blur.  


But wasn't 2020 all a blur anyway?


But then, New Year's Day came and per my tradition, I go to my local hangout for the traditional New Year's Day feast.  And well....let's just say it has turned out to be a lucky and fulfilling year for me.  Now don’t  get me wrong, I still have days that I struggle and there is still so much to do to close my mother's estate. I still breakdown and cry.  And cry a lot.  Every single tear.   I still stress out about it all and there are days that I feel like it will never end-but what the New Year brought to me is much Love, Joy, Compassion, Support and Laughter.  And I could not ask for anything better than that.


I look forward to New Year's Day 2022-as scary as that may seem- but if it's anything what 2021 brought to me for this past year then I will gladly take another plateful of that!  


Until next time...elizinashe

Tis the Season

Who Doesn't Love The Grinch ?

 Well Thanksgiving is over.  Did you do any Black Friday shopping?  Shop Local?  Cyber Monday?  

How was your holiday?  Any traveling this year?  

For the first time in many, many moons I went out of town with my fella.  We drove up into Kentucky to be with my dad's side of the family.  And it was lovely.  Turkey, dressing, potatoes set in a lovely home complete with a fireplace and a quiet fat kitty with big eyes.  Couldn't get any more Norman Rockwell than that.  haha...I guess if there was snow added to the mix then it would be a complete picture perfect weekend, but alas...we had sun.  Which was totally fine for me.  

I'm basically done with my shopping.  Yep, sure am.  Just need a couple of small things but I'm not going overboard with any gifts this year, or any year to be honest.  I'd rather have in-person time with my loved ones. Now the fun part is finding boxes to ship stuff to the designated addresses.  And I always struggle with getting the right sized box without getting something too big or too small which I am super good at doing-I have issues folks.  Measuring and depth perception is a bit off in my world.  I swear I spend more money on mailing the said boxes than I spend on the gifts itself.  Or so it seems.  

But, it's worth it to me.  And this year is especially special for me and I plan on embracing that for all it's worth, because it's worth a whole helluva lot to me.  Sometimes prayers do get answered.  

In the meantime, I hope your Holidays are joyous and loving.  Turn off the TV and play some music, stay in your pjs, kiss and hug all your peeps and just relax.  No need to rush around all the time now is it?  Until next time...elizinashe

Merry Christmas !

Where Does the Time Go?

Where Does the Time Go ? 

 Well, well, well...

Time sure does fly!  Despite the extra hour we had last weekend.  Sheesh!

 

I'm still here.  Taking it day by day.  So much to do...and yet I feel like there is never enough time to do everything I need to accomplish.   But isn't  that true for all of us?  I sure do wish I better time management skills.  

 

Fall is leaving our area but the leaves sure have been beautiful.  Lots of red and gold this year.  And it's been relieving to see on my daily commute to work and my day of errands.  I try and soak it all up as much as I can.  Soon we will have cold gray days and the first snow will surely come. 

 

I hope you are well.  I hope your Thanksgiving will be festive.  May your Christmas be kind.  And the New Year be joyful.  We have so much to be thankful for in these crazy times.  I hope you can focus on the good things and stay away from the negative.  Keep it simple folks.  Sending you all some love.  Until next time...elizinashe.   

Don't Forget to Relax 

Rain and Anxiety

Giving It To My Guardian Angel

 It's a rainy day.  One of those calm, gentle all day rains.  Cooler weather is on the way.  Hello Fall !  

I've been a bit anxious today.  Still lots to do at my mother's house.  Had a bit of a hurdle yesterday, but after a simple phone call all is well at this point.  Fingers crossed that it remains so.  I'm so sick of it.  All of it.  I have weird dreams around the times that I go to my mother's house to clear out the belongings and continue to load up my car full of stuff.  Sometimes I still think of how much there is to do even when I'm not there.  At work, at home, when I'm trying to sleep.  Other times my mind is clear.  But today...I am just riddled with stuff.  It's overwhelming. 

 

 However, the rain is slowly clearing out my psyche.  And I have fun plans for this evening so I will just focus on that, listen to some music and take it one step at a time. 

I came across this lady just the other night.  My fella showed me her performance on AGT show after one of his friends sent him the link.  I don't watch those shows in particular, but this girl...dang...what a story she has to tell.  She's very, very sick.  Has Cancer pretty much throughout her body.  But yet, she's on stage singing.  And beautifully so.  And what a beautiful face and lovely smile she has too.  She's an incredible spirit.  I wish I could meet her in person but most likely that will not happen. 

She sang an original song that she wrote.  And I really dig it.  And I can hear her frustration and affirmation in her lyrics.  I think we all can really if you think about it.  Yes, she has a limited future I'm afraid.  But she carries on day by day.  I think I should be mindful of that and continue to carry on myself.  Day by day.  She's an inspiration to me.  I hope she is for you as well. 

I may be a little lost myself,  but It's Okay.  It's Alright....

Until next time...elizinashe

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l45Lay6eq0w

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZJvBfoHDk0 

Piddlin' Around

Let's Jam !

 It's a semi warm day, slight breeze and hopefully an evening rain soon.  

I've got dinner in the works, laundry done and folded.  Meals planned for work the next three nights.  

I could go through the mounds of bedding and comforters that I finally cleared out from my mother's house.  I could use the vacuum.  I could clean off my kitchen table.  I could do lots of useful things to clear out the clutter at my place.

But alas, I am lazy today.  I've been listening to a live DMB concert from a few years back.  I think I will listen to another one shortly.  I just not in the mood to be overly productive.  And that's okay.  I have some pictures that I want to go through and have them printed off so I can add more flare to my home.  

Maybe the kitchen table will be cleared off.  I don't know.  I am feeling a little dangerous today.  haha

So how is your "Hump Day?"  

Until next time....elizinashe

Keep It Simple Folks !

Who's In Your Tribe ?

I Dig This

 Friendships are an important anchor in our lives.  And a strong one is even better.  The kind of friendships that bend and wave with the challenging times, the kind that stays strong despite disagreements, annoyances, distance or time apart.  The kind that never breaks apart and lasts longer than you could ever imagine.  

Relationships are powerful too.  But they take a lot of work.  Some do fall apart and become "comfortable".  Others grow and challenge each other and hopefully will become more meaningful as time goes on.  I've witnessed some really wonderful relationships and I've seen many just wither away.  Including some of mine in the past.  But I feel pretty confident that this current relationship will last for all the years that we would want. 

My friendships are vital to me.  I know lots of people and I have lots of "friends" but my closest peeps are a small but mighty circle.  They are my Tribe.  They get my crazy, my anxiety, my humor, my generosity and my heart.  I cannot even imagine where I'd be without my peeps that I love so very much.  The kind that can read your mind, knows when your heart hurts and is always ready for silly conversations.  And the serious ones too.  And I certainly cannot imagine where I'd be without them this past year especially after losing my mom so quickly.  I felt so much love from my friends near and far.  Seriously.  I could feel that vibe.  

I hope you have that vibe too.  I hope that you have a strong circle of peeps who keep you afloat.  It really doesn't take much now does it?  It just takes a heart.  And sometimes a strong one too.  But that's not a bad thing to have.  It all comes back to you anyway, right?  So here's to our friends near and far.  May we all send and feel the love for many, many more years to come.  Until next time...elizinashe

Sending Love

It's Been A While...

One of the Best Ever !

 Is Summer over yet?  Sure is hot today.  Bleh.

So I've had lots to write or discuss, but it just seems to be a bit too heavy.  However, on my errands today, one of my friends asked my opinion on Dave, that is the Dave Matthews Band and which did I think was a great album to begin with.  Oh man....did this make my heart patter. 

I immediately came up with my top three favorites.  Replied to his text and listed the top songs he needs to pay attention to.  Oh there are so, so many.  Songs about frustration, love and naughty things too.  I love it all. 

By all means, Under the Table and Dreaming is hands down one of my favorites.  Lots of super awesome songs and some with heavy lyrics too.  I dig that.  Another all time favorite song on this album is Granny.  Oh Hell, who am I kidding?  Rhyme and Reason, Dancing Nancies...shoot.  But again, many, many of my all time faves on this particular album.  

Next, I move on to Before These Crowded Streets.  Another great one and a great follow up to the previous.  Oh so many...Next?  Big Whiskey and the Groo Grux King.  Lots of good stuff there.  And they completed this after losing one of their founding bandmates suddenly.  So there are some good songs related to that loss.  Pain, anger, love...good stuff. 

So here I sit, listening to Under the Table while I type away and slowly clean around the house.  It seems like a good day to revisit a pile of good tunes.  This sort of stuff never gets old for me.  I hope you have a musician that powers up your soul like Dave does for me.  It sure does make the time pass more happily.  Especially on such a hot, muggy day.  

Until next time....elizinashe

I Love You Dave !

Is There Anybody Out There?

Hello Out There !

 Long time it's been.  Life has kept me busy.  Life is good, I am blessed.  Don't get me wrong, I still have my struggles but right now I feel at Peace. 

I've got a nice long stretch of time off from work.  I need the break for sure.  Ahh....

Bucket list:  Time with friends, a potential bike ride down the Creeper Trail, clearing out my mother's house AND a Dave Matthews Band concert with my girlies.  Which is much needed since our concert last year was cancelled due to COVID.  Ass...

So here I sit, watching Rufus Wainright on Austin City Limits with my kitty running around with what we call "the zoomies".  We've had a nice rain storm pass through earlier this evening and now it's cooler, calmer and wet.  Drip, drip, drip I hear....what a nice sound in the late hours. 

I am looking forward to relaxing a whole helluva lot, spending time with my fella and getting things done so I can keep moving forward.  Maybe I'll even play my piano which has been grossly neglected.  I miss it.  But time gets away...especially with work.  Which I don't have for a couple of weeks.  Hooray!  

So what are some of your summer plans?  

Until next time...elizinashe

Be Kind to Yourself

Monday, Monday...

 Bah -da-bah-da-da-da...

Got the Monday blues.  Anyone else?  Spent some time running some errands and then to the grocery store to pick up stuff for dinner. 

I am slowly sorting out some boxes that have been living in my front room for months now.  It's a very slow process.  I really have zero space to put some of these things that my mother collected during her lifetime.  How will I ever get it all done?  

Super weird dreams last night.  Pretty intense too.  And very elaborate.  I hope the coming days and nights bring me more peace.  Music helps for sure.  It's just still so very much. I hate every piece of this mess. There will be light at the end of the tunnel, right?  God I hope so...until next time...elizinashe

A Lazy Sunny Sunday

 I have much to do in the coming days.  Today, I had planned to run up to my mother's house and continue the dumping process.  But alas, I'm just not feeling it today.  I am tired.  I just don't have much motivation.  I just don't want to do anything.  I think I'm allowed to do so. 

Words can hurt.  Why do some people have to be so condescending?  Why do some people have to belittle others just to make themselves feel better?  What happened to them in their Life that shaped them to be so ugly?  Sheesh.  Don't know if I will ever understand that. 

Music is my therapy.  Been listening to a lot lately.  And that's a good thing.  It's a healer for sure.  And I will take all that I can get.  I need some healing today.  Especially on a hot day like today.  Not worth going outside until sunset.  Then it will be much nicer.  

So what's on your Sunday bucket list?  Until next time...elizinashe

Dammitt

 Damn you grief!  Damn you!  

You come out of nowhere...like a rock in your windshield while your driving. 

It's been one year since my mother left this Earth.  And as I try to lie down and get some sleep, before plans for a deck garden and a hike for the morning it all hits me.  As I lie in bed and my mind begins to race.  Oh Hell...does it hurt. 

It is late.  And my peoples are asleep.  Although I know if I call them, they would be here, but I just can't.  I will tell them tomorrow.  Sometimes as much as how you want to someone to be with you at these times, there are moments when it's best you are alone, even if you don't want to be alone in this moment-BUT it's good to get it all out and then share and get that support after the fact.  Does that make sense? 

 

I am tired.  I have cried every tear.  I am more calm.  My cat woke out of his slumber and was very curious as to why his human was making noise.  It is cool and quiet out my way.  And I type with swollen and tired eyes....to get all this stuff out of my mind and soul.  And this is a good thing  I know that.  

 

Oh I am so thankful for this thing called a Blog.  It has helped me more than you know.  Even with the silly things...but tonight...wow...I have no words.  Next time will be more joyful.  Thanks for being here.  Until next time...elizinashe

Time Flies By Quickly

 It was one year ago this week that things happened with my mom and her eventual and quick passing on to her next adventure.  As I liked to call it. 

Lots of emotions, lots of thinking.  Lots of hope.  Lots of unrest.  It a lot of " a lot" .  

I'm taking it slow, especially today.  We've got a nice rain shower which is greatly needed and a welcomed relief.  It makes a lazy day more relaxing.  Which is something I totally need. 

No, I'm not here to tell you to go and hug everyone you know, tell them that you love them and all that jazz as we all know our time is limited.  We shouldn't have to dwell on that.  You know what I"m talking about.  Yes, love on your people, but take time for you too regardless of what is going on in your life.  I think that is just as important.  

I look forward to a quiet afternoon, remembering my mom and hopefully without a breakdown.  But that is allowed too if I need to unload.  I sure as Hell have done plenty of that, and it's gut wrenching for me to be perfectly honest.  I'm sure I am not the only one who has felt that way.  

I have support.  I have this thing.  I have really good friends and my father is well and still able to live independently at his age and far from what I have called my home.  I know that too will change at some point but hopefully not for a very long time.  

I hope you enjoy your Memorial Day Weekend.  I'm just gonna take it slow.  And I know my mom would be totally okay with that.  Until next time...elizinashe

Happy Hump Day !

I Spy a Heart  in the Clouds !

 It's a lovely lazy Wednesday.  It's back to work for me this weekend, but first I have company coming for a one night visit as he is on his way to Atlanta for work.  It should be a good evening. 

The flowers are really popping out, as well as the trees.  So much green.  And so much pollen.  Achoo!  All day long.  Good thing I have plenty of Kleenex.  

It's almost been one year since my mom has passed.  Not sure how it's all gonna hit me.  Mother's Day weekend was a bit tearful.   But I had good support.  And I am thankful for that. 

My fella has dug up some of my mother's hostas and they will soon be planted by the side of my house.  He really wanted me to have a piece of my mom's garden in my own home.  So she will always be with me.  Hopefully they will flourish here.  My thumb is not that green.  Wish me luck!  

I also have a big vase of some of mom's rhododendron blooms.  Mom sure did have a lot of them!  And her rhodie bushes are huge!  They have really thrived in her neck of the woods.  And some day, and hopefully soon, someone else will have the pleasure of living there and watching all the plants and flowers pop out every Spring and Summer.  What a blessing. 

Hope your Hump Day is a happy one.  Until next time...elizinashe. 

Happy Spring !

 

Rainy Days and Mondays

Seems Like a Good Day to Write

 No, I'm not down.  I'm actually pretty happy.  After battling the rain showers with the grocery run, I'm at home listening to music and just being present.  I could be really productive and do some cleaning.  I could be really, really productive and clear out my closet, but I digress...I need a do nothing day and enjoy a nice lazy, rainy Monday.

Dinner plans this evening with my fella.  Yep, you've read that right.  I've got a guy. And Lord knows this is something I had never expected.  Life sure does throw some nice surprises out your way when you least expect it.  And I will certainly hold on to this surprise as long as I can.  Maybe forever.  Hopefully forever.  Yep, you read that right too.  Sheesh!  

The birds are singing, the flowers are popping out and the pollen has been washed away.  At least for a little while.  Achoo!  It's too nice of an afternoon to take a nap.  Although I totally could, but I don't want to waste any time today.  Maybe I'll go through some stories my mom has written.  And maybe not.  It will be one year that I lost my mom at the end of this month.  Sure does go by quick.  Where did all that time go?  

In the meantime, I hope your Monday is a peaceful one.  Make it count.  Until next time...elizinashe

Let Yourself Pop and Bloom !

I'm Still Here

 My, my it's been a while.  

 

Dancing Nancies

Spring has sprung and so has my allergies.  Achoo!  But the Spring season does bring much renewal and joy which is something we all could use especially after the train wreck that was 2020.  Anyone with me on that?  

 

Life has kept me busy and running in circles but mostly in a good way.  I still have some struggling days and troublesome nights but I have survived thus far and I will continue to do so.  As much as I want to give up and ignore responsibilities I just can't do it.  I wasn't raised that way.  

 

I'm still chipping away at clearing out my mother's house around my crazy work schedule.  It's a hardship for sure, but there will be light at the end of the tunnel, right?  God I hope so.  

 

In the meantime, I will do my best to write and create more often, as I have really missed doing things such as this, that make me happy.  I've got the itch to bust out the crafty paper and glue and make a mess.  One day soon.  Very soon.  Thanks for reading.  I hope your Spring season has been a time of happiness.  Until next time...elizinashe 

I Really Dig This !

Late Night Beats

 Awake and Tired


Bored brainless

Wish I could go home

One more night

One more push

No baby tonight

And Thank God for that


Worry and then Not

Is it Real or filling up the lonelies?

Why does it feel normal?

Am I kidding myself?

Or does my gut guide me true?


Part of me wants to stay guarded, stay independent

And the other wants to keep what's been started and let it grow

I've been alone long enough

I think I'm due

I think this might be it

I think I'm not scared

I think I am scared


But not


Take a step back

Relax

Don't freak

You got this


Maybe Mamma was right after all

I hope you dig it


Until next time...elizinashe

Church

 Do you believe in God?  Do you pray?  Have you ever felt the presence of "something" or experienced an event that is just unexplainable?


Is there really and Heaven or Hell?


What were you taught as a child?


I feel like religion is still a hot button for some.  Especially with certain denominations  that send messages of burning in a fire for the rest of your Life, or using other scare tactics which does nothing but riddle one with guilt and shame, especially if you have "sinned".


How about the Muslims?  It seems like they are constantly being ridiculed, persecuted and accused of all things violent when the message of their Faith teaches the opposite.  And if I'm not mistaken, the Muslim faith is the oldest "organized" religion is it not?  Christianity is an arm off of the Muslim faith-so how did we become so ugly towards each other?  I'm pretty sure that that is not what the Koran teaches and certainly not the Bible itself.


So when you need to find strength, when you need guidance or a spiritual uplifting, where do you go?  Do you go to church?  Temple? Meditate?  Go to confession and ask for some Hail Mary’s?


Is it really necessary to go to a building every week just so we can "save your soul" from damnation and pray for forgiveness?


I've always felt at the most Peace when I'm outside in Nature, among the mountains or a waterfall.  That is where I have felt the closest to my God, my higher power.  Does that count?


Btw, God's name is Howard.  Did you know that?


Personally, I really don't think it matters if you go to a church, a tent, a log cabin or just sit in the comfort of your favorite chair.  I think it matters that you just go-wherever that may be.  It matters that you just show up.


I think God has many names.  Deus, Yahweh, Elohim, Tzevaot, Allah...but for me, I think I'll call him Howard.


Until next time...elizinashe 

https://youtu.be/s4iGCSUQBWc

Relationships

When Do You Bail ?

 When you do raise the Red Flag in a new relationship?  It doesn't matter if it's a new  friendship, a new romance or Hell, even a new job.  


When do you raise the Red Flag in regards that something "ain't right".  What's your limit?  How much can you tolerate?  What is your breaking point?


I've always been a pretty independent person.  I've never been in a consistent relationship or had a hot date every weekend.  In fact, my serious relationships have been few and far between.  So when a new person comes along, it tends to be a different kind of start.  Then I get excited about the possibility of a future, a something special and then some of those Red Flags begin to go up that flagpole.  And then I become more guarded and cautious once again.  And if those Red Flags keep waving at me, I begin to lose interest and then I walk away to save myself.  I don’t do drama.   However, as I have gotten older, I begin to question myself about those flags.


What if they are "doable"?  What if they are more tolerable than I believe them to be?  Am I too independent?  Are my expectations too much?  Am I too intolerant?  Or have I grown ?  


I certainly do not regret any past Red Flags that I have encountered as those instincts were pretty spot on.  But this latest Flag has me worried but not scared.  Maybe I have matured?  Maybe I know this Flag is a work in progress?  Something that can be tolerated?  Maybe that Red Flag will turn White.  Only time will tell.  I'm still processing this new and long overdue territory.   Maybe I've been in the bunkers too damn long and I just don't know anything different.  If only I had a map to guide me in the right direction.  


Okay, then.  Done with metaphors.  Haha... sorry, couldn't help it.  Until next time...elizinashe.

Hoping For This