Are You Ready ?

Happy New Year !

Christmas is over and the New Year is fast upon us.  Got plans?  Staying home or going out?  How do you celebrate?  Made those resolutions yet?  Goals?  Got booze? 

I typically don't do so much.  Last year I did go out with some friends and we were all home before "the ball dropped".  That was a fun night.  This year...well...no real big plans.  And that's okay.  I'm actually looking forward to being quiet and ringing in the New Year with the Hope that we will all continue to move forward, join in festivities with loved ones and never worry about paying the bills.  Because we all know, some are not so fortunate.  Many will struggle. 

As I write this, two of my co-workers are battling a brand new cancer diagnosis.  A friend from the past is also battling a cancer diagnosis.  My cousin's wife is battling cancer herself.  My parents are aging, friends who are traveling, family friends who are becoming more sickly in their aging years and a workplace that is well...many things.  And that's putting it mildly.  Life ain't always fair.  Sometimes it makes me fearful of my own future. 

Our country is hatefully divided.  And unjustly so.  There are many layers to that issue to which I will leave to another post.  In short, don't believe everything you see on the Internet, or on social media.  As always, check your facts and be open to discussion.  I hope to God that we find a way to heal.  It's the only way to move forward.

As for me, this year has been quite a roller coaster.  I've had a lot of adventures and lots of stress.  Sometimes it's been a real struggle.  Other times it's been a bit easy.  My Hope is that I will sail through the coming year with a clear mind and a forgiving heart.  It's been hard folks.  And as "optimistic" and possibly naively so that I know I can be, I know I will still have struggles.  I just hope I can handle them better than I believe myself to be.  It just doesn't help to wallow in your self criticism.  Nor the anger of your past. 

So back to my original point, that is if I really had one-haha...I just started to write and let it all flow.  Maybe that's a good thing.  So..are you ready for the New Year?  Goals?  Plans?  Resolutions?  What changes do you want for yourself for the New Year?  Tell me your Hopes for the coming year~ maybe we all should share our hopes together.  That can't be a bad thing don't ya think?  Until next time...elizinashe

Let Your Heart Shine

Getting It Done

Don't Ya Love Him? 

Christmas is quickly approaching.  I'm done with shopping.  I'm over it.  I like to keep it simple anyway.  Who needs a bunch of crap anyway? 

I've got two boxes to ship, a few cards to finish and food to prep.  I will be working during the holidays and our food choices will be limited.  No delivery either~they too will be closed.  And as much as I like to treat others, I just cannot bring a bunch of food or baked goods for my co-workers.  It's too much to attempt to feed the masses.  Maybe one day.

It's a calm, rainy night.  I'm a bit restless and I know it will be some time before I get tired enough to go to bed.  Ugh.  Night shifter struggles.  At least I'm off.  If I can hammer out the next leg of tasks tomorrow before the temperatures drop I'll be fine.  No bad weather here, or yet, but it sure does make you want to stay at home and under a blanket. 

The holidays sure can be frustrating.  The hustle and bustle of it all really stresses me out.  I just want to move through it.  I bailed on a Christmas party tonight, simply because I needed to be at home and feel grounded.  I just wasn't feeling that festive nor did I want to be around a crowd of people, even though I love spending social time with the other attendees, I just couldn't do it.  And I have no regrets about it.  Again, self care...

So for you my readers, I hope your Christmas is a joyous occasion.  I hope it's stress free and is everything you wanted it to be.  And more.  I hope the New Year brings you much love and new adventures.  I hope that 2020 is a healing year.  I think we all could use a bit of that don't ya think?  Until next time...elizinashe

Bon Appetite ! 

Recovery

😋 A Little Cup of Love 😋

You remember the post about "Self Care"?  Did you read it?  Do you practice "self care'?  When was the last time you took time just for you? 

My previous post was a real dialogue. I truly had a meltdown.  Again, I'm good.  I am safe.  It's so important to ask such things to your peeps, or even a stranger these days.  Really and truly. But I'm good.  For real.

Regardless, I've got the kinks worked out.  I took time off tonight away from work so I can regroup.  I gave them 24 hours notice so management could find coverage as I work on a very difficult unit.  And I had no guilt about it.  I had zero guilt about missing work and taking time for me although I could have made it work.  But when it came down to it, I know I just wasn't ready.  I needed time to heal from the previous days.  It was all just too much. 

I am forever grateful to good friends who helped me yesterday afternoon.  I am grateful to my mechanic who always does me right and has done so for 20 + years.  Even if he teases me and tells me my issue is nothing but  a "loose nut" behind the wheel on occasion .  Certainly not yesterday.  I am grateful to a manager reaching out to me to check in and see if I'm okay since I called out for "personal reasons".  Asked if there was anything she could do for me.  How many managers really do that for their employees?  Especially in this day and age. 

I am feeling more grounded.  I am healing.  I am still  learning that despite the circumstances, it will work out.  It takes some work sometimes, but it all "comes out in the wash" as they say.  I think we all could use that reminder don't you?  Until next time...elizinashe

💗 Don't Forget to Take Care of You 💗

A Difficult Day

Feeling A Lot Like This

I had my meltdown this evening.  I'm still recovering.  Don't freak~ I'm safe and at home.  It's just super hard being single sometimes and I've just about had my fill of it. 

My last three nights at work were more than challenging.  I've had a sudden car issue which stresses me out.  I had to leave it at work this AM as it would not "turn over".  And no, it's not a battery issue.  Sounded more like a starter issue or something more electrical and expensive. 

I handled it all fairly well.  I took my first Uber ever.  I was thankful that the driver was literally five minutes away.  I was able to get home safe and sound.  I was more than anxious to get out of the hospital environment and into my messy home so I could feel more grounded. 

However, earlier this evening was not so fun.  I broke down and had a very long and hard cry.  Don't get me wrong folks, I'm really not that emotional or one of those "hysterical women".  But tonight, it all just "hit me" and I was overcome, overwhelmed and overly frustrated.  Utterly helpless and at the mercy of not being able to any damn thing about it like I wanted.  It's Sunday~ my attempts to retrieve car, get a tow, drop it off at mechanic and begin the process of alleviating my predicament utterly failed.  And remember, I have good friends and good neighbors but in essence, it's just me.  No other person in the home, family members scattered all across the map, no "ex", no second vehicle.  All I have is the ashes of two dead cats.  Being single sucks. 

I don't regret crying.  I needed it.  Truly.  It's all just hard and with the holidays....well...I think we all can agree that the holiday rustle and bustle can be stressful.  I don't even have that "holiday cheer" this season.  I'll do good if I get a few cards sent out this year.  And that's okay. 

I'm still a little tearful.  Guess I still have some bugs in my soul that need to be exterminated.  I need a good day tomorrow.  I need luck on my side.  I need to get my car to my mechanic.  And I need to get to the grocery store.  Orchestrating the said tasks will take some work.  And time management.  God...I do hope it all works out.  I just can't handle much more.  Wish me luck folks.  I need all the good ju-ju sent my way. For real.  Until next time...elizinashe

Hoping for More of This

Restless Night, Windy Night

Busy Night Brain Tonight

It's a bit chilly down my way but certainly not as cold as it could be and I am quite thankful for that.  The winds have been blowing pretty much all day.  Glad I don't have any tall and scary trees around my home like my previous dwelling.  Sheesh!  That place sure could be nerve racking on windy nights. 

My mind is busy...I'm restless.  I'm tired but not tired.  I'm hungry but not hungry.  I should clean a bit more but I really don't have the motivation.  I hate it.  I wish I could afford a maid.  Christmas is coming and I know it will be here quick.  I'm madly trying to tighten things up.  I need to finish up dad' stuff and ship it off which will cost more than I want to spend.  Why does it cost so much to mail a box these days?  Ugh...

I have movies and shows on my bucket list that I'm pretty sure I can find on my Smart TV or on my Amazon account but I don't want to search for them yet.  I'm afraid I will lose patience in my search and then get bored.  I wish I were more savvy in with my Smart TV capabilities. 

My birthday came and went.  It was a lovely day and it was exactly what I needed and wanted so to speak.  Low key with some friends, shared some soup that I made with other eats and treats.  And I got to play with my friend's dog and that my readers always makes me happy.  I wish I had more time and resources to get one myself.  But alas, my working hours aren't so dog friendly.  Maybe one day...

I know the next few days will be quite busy as work beckons for a long stretch.  It's a love/hate relationship.  I just hope the units will be calm.  I can't stand so much chaos all the time especially around the holidays.  It just makes everything a little bit harder.  I look forward to finishing up my holiday treats, hopefully will succeed in getting some cards out and sail into the New Year on a relaxing note.  Hopefully the coming year will be more joyful and less stressful.  I think we all would welcome that don't ya think?  Until next time...elizinashe

Aiming for Some Peace

In the Wee Hours....

It's a Mighty Big World Out There

It's late.  And guess what...I'm awake.  Glad I've got this thing called a Blog.  I know I have a few faithful readers, but as for new ones not so sure.  But that doesn't really matter.  It's for me and that's enough.

We had a quick and very cold winter snap this past week.  Sheesh!  Way too early for that shit.  Thankfully we have stabled to some norms.  At least for now.

The holidays are coming quick.  Have you made your list yet?  Do you know what you want to buy for those you do gift?  Cards?  Got enough wrapping paper?  Or are you a gift bag kind of person? 

I keep my gifting short and sweet.  I really don't buy for a whole lot of people.  And it's hard to not repeat themes or send the same shit all the time.  I strive to find local gifts or something simple.  We have plenty already don't ya think?  I'd rather have adventures and wonderful dinners with my loved ones than exchange material things.  I hope others feel the same. 

I keep telling myself I should pick up an extra shift at work.  I'm not desperate for the money, but a little bit of a bonus would be nice.  I have plans...I have household needs.  And that costs money.  I can still do the wanted household needs,  I just want that extra cushion to do so.  But...when it comes time for my time off...I really want it.  Not that I have major plans or anything.  I just need to be away from work.  It's been pretty horrible lately and don't want to burn myself out too quickly.  Sigh....it's a bit of a moral struggle within myself sometimes. 

My previous mental struggles have seemed to drift away.  I'm really glad about that.  Don't freak.  I wasn't suicidal or anything.  Just struggling with worries and memories of the past.  And I allowed that to occupy my mind.  I'm glad I moved through that repetitive anguish.  It certainly drove me a bit nuts. 

So my readers...what's going on in your corner of the world?  Until next time...elizinashe

Take a Moment for Something Like This

Self Care

Trying To Be Mindful

How do you practice "self care"?  You know, the time spent on doing something that recharges your soul.  The time spent on healing your wounds, decompressing, relieving stress and letting go of your demons? 

Think about it.  Seriously.  Now...do you really practice "self care"?  Or do you use "time with friends" as your self care?  Because even though that's fulfilling, that is time to orchestrate, plan, meet, dress, bring drinks and eats, or spend money on eats and drinks, be socially appropriate, engage in obligations that you really might not want to indulge, be mindful of your words and socially/politically charged conversations and so on.  Or do you work out?  Yoga?  Read?  Therapy? Over book yourself with social obligations? Are you busy every weekend at the end of your work week?  How do you really feel on Sunday night?  Let's not forget,  Holidays are coming quick.  It will only get more hurried.  And harried. 

So...what do you do to practice "self care"?  Don't get me wrong.  I LOVE my friends.  And I love my time spent with them and adventures explored. But...in taking care of myself?  Sometimes that's a challenge.  And because I feel so obligated to tackle adult duties and responsibilities, sometimes that self care goes on the back burner. 

I have ignored certain interests that normally make me happy because of the said adult responsibilities.  Time management becomes a challenge for me too.  And my work schedule when it begins tends to keep that "self care" further behind due to long stretches of days, or nights in my case, that I must work. 

You can read all the self-help books you can find, you can find all the encouragement that your ears can handle, you can meditate all that you want but what it comes down to is that the self care and self healing is all on you.  You won't find it in a book necessarily.  You won't find it in an inspirational quote.  You won't find it from your friends.  Or in some cases, from your family.  It's all on you.  And that my readers, whoever you may be, is what we need to realize and discover.  And sometimes that is very hard. 

It's been an interesting few months for me lately.  I still struggle with the adult responsibilities and allowing myself the time to do what really makes me happy.  And that is the real kicker.  "Allowing myself" that time.  I keep thinking it would be easier if I had more help in my private world, but then again, I think that would just add more distance in the allowing part.  Perhaps not.  All I know is that I need to begin the self care again.  I think I just got so caught up in my own head that I forgot how important it really is to our journey in Life. 

So again...what do you do to practice "self care"?  Curious minds want to know...until next time...elizinashe

Sunflowers Make Me Happy !

Dream a Little Dream

💫 Dream Big ! 💫

Do you remember your dreams?  Do you dream in color?  Do you have reoccurring dreams?

We dream every night.  Or at least in every sleep.  Sometimes that means a nap.  We might not always remember those dreams, but our brains remain active still.  Just on a different level.

I typically have the most active dreams right before I wake up.  And then I'm often left confused and/or amused.  Sometimes frustrated.  And always trying to analyze.  Sometimes I figure it out.  Others it just makes me laugh because it's so ridiculous.

I fell asleep after I ate dinner earlier this evening.  I often fall asleep to the news or a re-run of Big Bang Theory.  Then I slowly come out of my brief slumber.  And shake off the grogginess.

Tonight, I had some unusual post-dinner nap dreams.  One which related to my struggle with having a kitchen light that is currently burnt out.  My ceilings are really tall, and the light fixture itself is quite tricky, so I've been hesitant to change it alone since it requires using a very tall ladder.  I don't want to climb the damn thing without another person to spot me if you know what I mean.

The other parts of my dream?  Well...I guess you could say I had "a visitor" who is no longer on this planet pop up in my head.  Maybe there's a bit of guilt associated with this episode, maybe just missing the loss and wanted one more visit to give my love.  Maybe he misses me too.  I still miss my kitty.  Does that make me weird?

The other thing?  Because typically my dreams have three themes.  Well...I blame falling asleep to the Big Bang.  A fun show with nerdy guys.  No, it wasn't "one of those dreams", but in my hardened heart or perhaps, not so hardened, I do miss having a guy.  Maybe I'm missing something and I just don't see it.  I'm not looking for Mr Perfect and I do like the quirky kind of people, but maybe, just maybe, there will be someone for me after all.  Maybe I'm just really sad about not having a person in my life and not really honoring that feeling.  But I think I honor that loss fairly well anyway.   Again, I blame the TV show.  Maybe it was the wine.  haha...

Dreams are powerful.  Sometimes they are all telling, sometimes predictory.  Sometimes it's just your mind's way of clearing out the search history of your brain so you can load up with other dreams that are much more worthwhile.  And hopefully happy ones.  Until next time...elizinashe

😴 Sweet Dreams 😴

It's a Quiet Sunday

Just a Quick Jaunt

Fall has finally arrived.  We had a twenty degree drop in temperatures yesterday and it has been a welcomed event for me.  Time to slow it down...got some crock pot magic percolating, asparagus to steam and some wine for my nightly indulgence.  It might be a good time to clear off the kitchen table too.  It's a hot mess right now.

The bears have been out and about.  Saw a mamma bear and her cubs on the Parkway on my way into town.  Along with many other on-lookers who stopped to take pictures and video.  I just kept going...no reason to piss off a mamma bear.  I'd rather wish the bears well and be on my way.  Now if I could hug and play with them without getting mauled then that would be a different story. 

Adult duties tomorrow and then a fun event with one of my most special peeps.  Wish the adult stuff could wait.  It really gets to be overwhelming sometimes.  Does it get any easier?  Or do you just come to a point and not worry about it so much?  Maybe both?  I have yet to figure that stuff out.

I just need to take it day by day.  I will worry about the other shit later.  Shifting my focus on the moments of today is all I want to think about.  And that's not a bad thing.  Until next time...elizinashe.

Hello Fall

Cans and Shoulds

Taking Care of Me

So I did it.  Made that counseling appointment and today was the day.  I had some expected anxieties about it all, mostly due to the fact I had some adulting things to tackle before and after in the daytime hours but I got it done and did fairly well.  I coped.  I survived.  Even in the unexpected down pour of a storm which made driving on a busy road a bit nerve wracking.

But alas...it was well.  Did I make any breakthroughs?  Of course not.  Did I vent?  Yes.  My mouth opened up and I garbled away.  Plus the therapist gave me her expectations, covered a few mandatory questions and gave me the heads up about what may come to pass if she feels I need something more specialized or will guide me in that direction if I want it.  And I hope that happens.  I think I need to be doing this gig for a while.  I have a lot of bugs to clear. 

What I did realize is that I struggle with what I "can" do and what I "should " do.  In other words, we are capable of so much, despite the social expectations, family expectations, peer expectations and so on.  And I struggle with the guilt of it all but at the end of the day, I need to be okay with my decisions and my capabilities vs what I think I should be doing to fulfill the said expectations, social norms and blah, blah, blah.  I know that may sound a bit cryptic without going into all the details but that's the nutshell.  And of course, there is anger and guilt that still likes to make it's home in my head.  Still working on that. 

In the end of it all, I felt good about going.  I felt relieved.  And I saw two former co-workers at the grocery store afterwards who greeted me with big, fat hugs.  And that felt good.  I think that was a pretty good way to begin that shopping experience don't ya think?   Small steps...I guess that's better than no steps at all.  Until next time...elizinashe

And Working On Some Of This

Wearing the Grouchy Pants

Feeling Like This Today

It's a hot today.  Ugh.  Makes me cranky.  There's a cool festival going on downtown and I'd like to go but it's just too hot for my taste.  Plus I really don't feel like fighting the crowds.  So home it is, but I'm a bit bored, a bit depressed perhaps and I have zero motivation to clean my house as it's getting a bit messy.  Well...it's already a mess but it's getting to be a bit much.  I really need to use the vacuum much more.  Good thing I live alone.

I've got the annual boob squeeze tomorrow.  Ugh.  Not looking forward to it, but it's so very important to get that mammogram.  Especially since I've had some minor issues with the girls.  Or Lefty and Poncho as one of my friends from my college days so affectionately dubbed them.  haha...It's not that painful but it is uncomfortable.  It's rather awkward really.  And by the time I leave, I will be hitting rush hour traffic.  It might be a stop at my watering hole for a libation and a snack since I'm still in the "I don't want to cook" phase and therefore allow the said rush hour traffic to move on before I make my way home.  That might be more therapeutic for me anyway. 

I'm in bad need of a vacation.  And not a "staycation".  I need to leave the county borders.  For real.  I used to travel to the beach by myself in the "off season" quite a bit.  I haven't done that in years.  I so need some beach time.  I could care less about the tan or swimming in the ocean all day.  Although I do want to get my feet wet.  But with my busy mind and over thinking charms, I'm afraid to drive the four and half hours by myself.  I fear that my car will break down or something else bad will happen.  Why do I think like that?  Sheesh...too many other experiences of vehicle mishaps?  Oh yeah, I currently have a fat nail in my back tire.  (sigh...)  Found it last night.  At least my tire hasn't gone flat.  It just pisses me off. I swear I'm a magnet for that shit.  And as for the beach?  I still want to go, just not by myself.  I want a companion to join me on the festivities.  It gets lonely doing everything by yourself.

The only exciting thing I have planned for the rest of my day is some take out food and laundry.  Oh yeah, I need to do dishes too but that's an easy one.  Add some soap and hit the power button on the dishwasher.  Thank God I have one!  I went many, many years without one.  I swear, the day I bought dishwasher soap when I got my home was one happy day.  Sounds weird I know but I was so over washing dishes by hand.  I will not go without a dishwasher again.  Ever. 

So that's it folks.  It's a grouchy kind of day.  Just moving through the emotions...there is an ending in sight.  You can always count on that.  Until next time...elizinashe

Trying To Be Like This

Dare I Do It?

I Dig This

As usual, I'm awake.  It's dark, semi-cloudy, quiet and cool outside.  It's rather a peaceful feeling when I step out on my deck. 

I fell asleep after I ate dinner.  Slept too long really therefore the disruption in my circadian rhythm.  It's not that unusual for me to be up this late anyway, but it sure does delay other adult responsibilities that need to be tackled in daytime hours.  Or shall I say the self-imposed duties that I expect myself to complete within a certain time frame.  And then when I don't, I feel guilty.  I need to work on that.  The guilt that is.

I've been having some pretty wicked dreams too as of late.  And not necessarily nice ones.  I can pretty much figure out what my subconscious is fighting or struggling with is more like it.  It is very clear to me that certain things of my past are haunting me more than expected.  I thought I was past it all.  Or at least had dealt with it the best way I could.  And it's beginning to mess with my head in my waking hours.  I think it's time for some therapy.  But even the thought of that stresses me out due to time management rather than the therapy itself.  I've had therapy before and it was truly helpful.  I think it's time.

The times when I'm up this late and the wee hours of the night grow closer to dawn, I toy with the idea to stay up, see the sunrise and just start my day anew, and attempt to get those adulting responsibilities done.  In a sleep deprived state.  I've know other night shifters who just stay up when they can't sleep or do their grocery shopping and then take a short nap in the afternoon when needed.  Some just stay up all day and then go to bed after dinner.  And then power sleep.  I don't know if I can function like that.  I've thought about it, but my fear is when I take that afternoon nap, I will just keep sleeping and then wake up late at night and then I am back where I started.  Dare I do it?  I think not.  At least not this time.

Hopefully I will find some balance in the coming days.  I have much to scratch off on my self imposed list.  I've had many other posts running in my head to hammer out but not much motivation to write.  I've been wallowing...I need to swim out of that mess.  I don't want to drown in this funk of mine.  It's getting tiresome.  I will send my requests to the Universe and look forward.  It's the only way to go don't ya think?  Until next time...elizinashe

I Need Some of This

Random Ramblings...

Beauty in Sadness ?

My mind tends to race and ramble when I need to be calm.  A lot of it happens at home when I'm alone and awake in the wee hours of the night.  Especially when I need to sleep.  Anyone else have that problem?

My dad will be 81 years old in November.  He lives in Arkansas, which is quite the trip.  I am thankful that he is in good health and is able to live independently still.  But I know the day will come when he will need help and I'm not sure how that is going to fall into place.  I worry about his mentality as he has said and done things in the past, and the recent past that gives me worry.  However, I feel like I will not know until it's bad.  I hope and pray that what neighbors he has, and what church members are still living will contact me when things begin to go awry.  I don't want to be that shitty adult kid that ignores her parents.  I just can't be that way but I also know that I will need lots of help and I have no idea where the help will come from.  Sometimes it's really hard to keep the Faith and have the peace of mind that it will all work out.  I pray that I will find the strength and capacity to cross that hurdle when that day comes.

I've never understood why we call people of color "minorities".  You know, the "non-white" folks.  Why is that?  Just because your skin is darker than mine does not make you stupid, beneath me or pond scum. I am no better than you.  Aren't we all pink inside?  So why is it that the white man decided to label other races minorities?  Shouldn't we, the white man, be the minority?  The Native American Indians were here first were they not?  And they were "of color".  So why not consider us white people minorities too?  Just a thought.  Too much of a "hot button" topic?

Work...it's a love/hate relationship is it not?  I am proud that I put myself back through school and gotten a better and more lucrative degree but the healthcare system is going down the tubes.  More and more smaller hospitals are closing, the "for profit" hospitals continue to cut staffing ratios which does nothing for the patients nor is it supportive of staff.  Burnout is high.  And despite the thousands of nurses and other healthcare workers making noise, nothing will change until the powers that be in Congress make changes and stop taking money from big dollar donors and big Pharma for their own personal gain.  People are going to die unnecessarily.  You don't have to work in healthcare to make some noise.  And I suggest you do so loud and clear.

So I finally got my "smart tv" hooked up, got the landline internet switched to Wi-Fi but I have yet to totally yank my cable package.  I'm still learning the apps on my tv, plus I kind of like channel surfing.  I get bored rather easy so binge watching multiple movies is difficult.  I have done some binge watching a couple of tv shows but it took me a two or three months to complete the seasons.  Again...it's hard to focus sometimes.  Plus, I do like my local news on occasion and I need to keep abreast on the national news as much as I hate to do so.  I can only stomach so much of it.  But I think we are all in that boat.  Anyone else struggle with cutting the cord?  What are some of your favorite apps and shows to watch?

And so that's it folks.  What are some of your random ramblings?  Curious minds what to know.  Until next time...elizinashe.

A Quiet Night

A Celestial Request

Hello Moon !

It's a full moon tonight.  Looks wonderful too.  For the first time in many nights, I feel good despite my mentality the last few days, perhaps weeks, and even better from earlier today.  I've been in a bit of a funk lately and have been fully aware of it.  Sometimes you just have to move through it in order to get out to the other side.  Fingers crossed my mental funk continues to be on the upswing.

My hope is that the full moon will pull on all those negative thoughts and feelings out of my soul and toss it out to the sea, despite the miles that keep me from the ocean.  I need to believe that.  And I need to feel that too.  I've always said if you want something then you need to give it to the Universe.  And then do the work as well.  I'm working on "the work" too.  I have to make things happen for me but I do believe that there are higher powers that come along to help and guide you on your journey. 

 I'm tired of allowing the demons in my head dictate my mood. Sometimes it's hard that's for sure. But I remain hopeful that I will continue to persevere and move through this Life with the gusto and confidence that I crave.  I remain hopeful that the hurdles that will cross my path will be easy to jump and navigate, because I know that they will come.  They always do.  I remain hopeful that tomorrow will be a better day.  I remain hopeful.  Don't you?  Until next time...elizinashe

A Very Important Key to Have on Your Chain

You Would Think...

Night Owl Sights

Welp...I'm awake...

I was up late last night, did not go to be until the wee hours but that's pretty normal for that first "turn around day".  Tonight, or earlier on Saturday night, as it's after midnight and officially Sunday, I went out to dinner with some friends, had some drinks, went to a comedy show, topped off the festivities with some desert and a glass of wine.  It was a lovely time. 

I got home, began to feel sleepy and thought for sure, I'd be in bed before 2AM, which I did, but I have yet to fall asleep.  My mind keeps wandering.  And my belly is really full.  Perhaps too full.  Maybe that's why I can't sleep.  And I feel fat.  To which, I am gaining weight and that bothers me too.  Doesn't make me any less of a person, or less attractive, but it bothers me nonetheless. 

I am thankful for my friends and fun nights out, but it sure does suck sometimes being the only single person in the group.  Maybe that's a good thing anyway, I don't know.  At least it's not a issue that any of us focus on.  Maybe I'm not meant to be in a relationship.  I really don't count on it much these days anyway.

I have much to tackle in the next few days and not much motivation to get it all started.  I've been in a "responsible adult" rut lately and getting back into the groove of things makes me feel frustrated.  And I hate it when I get in these kinds of moods.  I just need to start on one thing and go from there.  I hope I find that motivation otherwise I will keep procrastinating and then it will be that much worse.  Ugh..where is my magic wand?

Hopefully by writing it all out will shove all the bugs in my head that's keeping me awake and annoyed.  Tomorrow is another day...I'm hoping for a new leaf.  The seasons will change soon enough.  Maybe then I will find a new mojo.  Until next time...elizinashe

Ready for a New Beginning

Guess What...

A Late Night Hoot

It's 3AM and I'm wide awake.  Shocker I know.

I sometimes feel guilty for being up so late in my off time from work.  My downfall is that I usually fall asleep for a little while after I eat dinner, which includes a beer or wine so that adds to a sleepiness factor.  I know that.  But then...I'm up for the rest of the night.  Now I typically don't sleep for too long post meal but it still disrupts my rhythm.  I wonder how many other night shifters struggle with this issue.  Surely I'm not the only one. 

I don't mind it too terribly much.  I don't schedule appointments or activities early in the day, even when I did work daytime hours, I don't have kids so I don't need to rush them back and forth to school and I'm single so there's no worry about keeping my other half awake. 

But the late night hours can get lonely.  Sometimes it gives your mind too much time to spin and recycle crap that does not need to keep a home in your head.  I've been struggling with that too.  Hell, even the daytime hours can be spent recycling that crap in your head which does nothing for the betterment of my mood.  I hate that part.

On the flip side, stepping out on the deck in the wee hours of the night can be rather cleansing.  I've seen some wild creatures take a quick stroll through the neighborhood, done a lot of star gazing, witnessed a satellite burnout in the night sky, embraced the changes of the on-coming seasons and made lots of wishes on shooting stars while the majority of folks are slumbering away.  Guess that's not too bad now is it? 

Now if I could only use my late night hours to clean out some closets then that would be a good thing.  But alas....I procrastinate.  I like my wee hours to be relaxing.  Don't you?  Until next time...elizinashe

Sweet Dreams !

Procrastination or Laziness ?

Which One Do You Click ?

I wish I could be one of those Type A personalities.  You know, the type that sets out goals, makes a plan, knocks out the said plan and still makes time for social events and makes it all look so easy that it really wasn't any effort at all.  How do they do it? 

I've never been lazy.  In fact, I used to be quite busy and kept a nice routine to keep my life in order.  Then things changed, Life happened and I realized that I wasn't as happy as I thought I had been.  And then other Life events came into play and but a big halt into my routine and forced me into another path.  And that was sort of a good thing.  But it was a challenge. 

I've never been one of those Type A personalities either.  I know my limits.  I have to stop and take time for me.  I've always been aware of that.  I wonder if those Type A's know how to stop.  And are they truly happy?

Regardless, I do have a large bucket list of things that I need to tackle but it all seems so overwhelming.  Some of it is self imposed home improvements, some of it is clearing out my basement which contains a lot of crap that belongs to my mother.  Now, my mother is still alive mind you.  But this is a bunch of crap that my father brought out over a year ago and it's pretty much all still there.  There is furniture that I don't want, antique stuff, loads of knick-knacks, sheet music, mindless junk and an old fireplace mantel that she bought even though we never had a fireplace.  And my mother too has procrastinated about coming to retrieve the said crap.  So it's still there...waiting. 

Sigh...I have ideas on how to get rid of it but the planning is a bit daunting not to mention making it happen.  I just don't want to do it.  It's too much. 

I read an article not too long ago that talks about procrastination.  It's not an issue of being "lazy" per say, but the task itself is attached to negative emotions, which never feels good and therefore that is why we procrastinate.  Whew!  For a moment, I thought I was just being lazy, selfish and irresponsible.  Yes, I'm an adult.  But sometimes I don't feel like one, especially compared to my more successful peers. 

Yes, the basement will get cleaned out.  In time.  Guess I need to take some baby steps.  There's just a lot of emotional baggage attached to it all and I feel very alone in the matter.  And I know in time I will have to clean out both my mother's house and my father's house and that task will be a major effort.  I am certainly not looking forward to that.  I wish I could just pack my stuff up and disappear sometimes therefore I won't have to deal with it or be responsible.  But I'm really not that kind of a person. 

Do I have my lazy days and moments?  Absolutely.  Do I have periods of full-on bucket list task oriented days?  Absolutely.  I just wish I could knock out one smidgen of the seemingly overwhelming tasks.  I think I'd feel so much better about it all.  Until then, I will keep planning in my head and not act on it.  It's worked so far so why stop now?  haha...until next time...elizinashe

One Step At A Time

Friends

Friends & Memories

You know how there is that Facebook memory thing?  You know, the thing or things, that you posted a year ago on that particular day.  An anniversary if ya will from the year or years prior.

Well, apparently I posted a quip back in 2009 saying that "met an old friend for the first time today".  And that's it.  Now I have no idea who that friend could have been, but I still like the quote regardless.  Sometimes you meet people for the first time and you immediately know that they are a part of your tribe.  We've all experienced it, right?  There is just something about that person and you know that by some force of nature, the universe lined things up and paths crossed.  I like those moments. 

I've been channel surfing mindlessly as I am awake and bored.  "When Harry Met Sally" is on the tube.  I've seen it a dozen times but I really don't mind watching it again.  You have to admit, it's a good story.  And it's about friendship and love.  You really can't go wrong with that now can you?  It gives me hope that real love and friendship still exists in this day and time.  I may not be overly girly, but there is a bit of a romantic secretly hiding inside.  I just don't do the mushy stuff.  Bleh.  Sorry guys...

I would not be anywhere without my friends.  Seriously.  I'm pretty independent and sometimes stubborn.  Maybe a lot stubborn but I have my insecurities and anxieties for sure.  I do not deny that at all.  But I am so damn thankful for my friends who get that part of me and love that part of me.  I'm told that I'm pretty funny too.  haha...but regardless, my friends are so important to me.  I know I would have a very difficult time navigating this thing called Life if I did not have my peeps.  I hope that I will once again will say "met an old friend for the first time today" many more times in my life.  Because those moments are so very valuable don't ya think?  Until next time...elizinashe

Weird is Good

It's So Hard...

Love It or Hate It ?

Social media...it's a love/hate relationship is it not?

I'm guilty of it myself.  What I find most difficult is to keep my mouth shut when I see blatant bullshit.  Crap that is completely misleading, false or hateful.  Especially with the political stuff.  Every now and then, I have to make a comment or leave a factual statement along with the factual link of proof so I can prove my point.  Does that make me egotistical?  I think not.  I just hate a liar.  More importantly, I hate fake shit that people automatically believe just because it's there.  Nobody check their facts anymore.  If it's on social media then it must be true. 

What really bothers me is that no matter what you say, or what link you share, no matter what point you are trying to say, those opposed just aren't open to a discussion.  What the fuck?  Whatever happened to acting like an adult?  And just because you see some "meme" from some person that you do not know you believe it to be true because it supports your beliefs?  Did you check the fact on that?  No?  Then why are you sharing that meme?  You don't know the person who created that meme?  Then why are you sharing it? 

Unless it brings a positive message then don't share it.  Unless you can back it up. 

It's so hard.  I get so mad sometimes.  And when I do respond which is very occasionally, people get their panties in a wad, begin to argue and not even acknowledge the facts I attempt to present.  People get angry, mean and attempt to prove their point which I understand but again....they do not want to have an open conversation about it.  It's their way and their way only.  My God...how did we ever get this way? 

Taking deep breaths over this.  As I am trying to "let go" of an "argument" with some chic that I barely know.  And because she's "been in politics for 20 years" that make her an expert.  This chic does not accept anything or any factual link I have shared.  God I hope she doesn't want to run for office.  It all just makes me sick.

I wonder if other countries have so much political drama.  Well..some we know.  But others?  What's it like in Switzerland?  I've always heard they stay neutral in all things.  The Netherlands are lovely I hear.  Except maybe for Winter.  Did you know that Iceland has equal maternity leave for both men and women?  Yeah...the fathers are allowed equal leave for the baby as it is deemed vital for both the baby, the parents and the work ethic.  Yep...check it out.  Amazing. 

Why can't we all get along?  And for Christ's sake...stop arguing over stupid shit and let's have a real adult discussion for once.  Have we really become that hateful?  God I hope not.  Until next time...elizinashe

I'm Tired of Feeling Like This

A Saturday Jaunt

Turn It Up !

Hooray for a weekend off! 

It's rather hot today.  However I have a new heat pump unit so it's pretty chill at my pad.  I've managed to make a couple of errands and picked up my weekly addiction of fried chicken, mac n cheese and some veggies.  The greens will counteract the fattening chicken and the mac, right?  haha...at least that's how I justify my food choices.

The dishwasher is empty, wine glasses washed, work related coffee containers relieved of their gunk and laundry piled for a future shower.  If I can muster the motivation to pull a few weeds then I will have really accomplished something.  But...it's hot.  And the sun at this point is directly where I need to clean and prune.  That task might have to wait.

I've been perfectly happy to piddle around in my house.  Listening to some music which is a favorite "go to" to keep me occupied and relaxed.  I love music.  Other than coffee, it's pretty much how I start my day.  Forget morning television.  Never been a fan.  Nor do I do afternoon TV.  Not interested.  I even allowed myself to play on my piano which has been ignored for way too long.  I need to dedicate more time to playing.  Adult duties can wait.  Remind me of that, will ya?

I envy those who plan so much ahead of time and is always "on the go" for a night out or a festivity with friends.  I wonder how they do it.  They must have some wicked time management skills.  I know for myself, planning too much or having too many commitments stresses me out.  Way too much over thinking about it all too.

I have been invited to a cook out tomorrow but I think I will pass.  I already have plans for Monday and an all day affair on Tuesday so having three days of "stuff" is a bit too much.  I have a small bucket list of things I would like to do.  I've been getting an itch to start something crafty so that might be a nice alternative too.  It's going to be hot again tomorrow so standing out in the heat really doesn't sound like a lot of fun anyway.  Maybe I will squeeze in a matinee.  Where I can sit my ass in a nice movie recliner and be entertained in the air conditioning.  Doesn't sound like too bad of an idea for a Sunday, eh?

In the meantime, I hope your weekend is a relaxing one.  Monday always comes.  I just hope it arrives slowly.  Until next time...elizinashe

What's In Your Earbud ?

Wide Awake

It's a Bit Like This Tonight

Well, here I am...channel surfing and restless.  Sometimes I wish I could be more like the "day walkers" and go to bed before midnight, but alas...I just don't think that's gonna happen. 

As I have said before, I really don't mind working nights.  I think I prefer it actually.  Less drama but man...it sure does mess with your body clock.  At least the only thing I am committed to is a Walmart stockpile and throwing dinner in the crock pot.  I've already scrubbed the toilet so I can scratch that off my list.  Now if I could only remember to scrub my shower.  hahaha...

I have other blog ideas swimming in my head, but tonight just is not the night for that kind of writing as I need to have better focus on my subject.  Tonight is just a rambling stream of thought.

I have discovered a series on Amazon called The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.  I'm catching up on the first season but I will soon be done with that at least by the end of the month and then I can move on.  I can't be one of those people to "binge watch" an entire season in one night.  Sheesh!  I think my eyes would pop out.  However, it is a clever show and the Susie character is a wonderful slap in the face.  I really dig her.  Check it out.  I don't think you will be disappointed.

I sporadically been catching up on the news.  The more I watch, the more I want to ignore it all together.  And the 2020 Election shit is heating up.  Jesus...it makes me a bit nervous.  I sure as Hell don't want a repeat of what we currently have in the White House.  It's nothing but a disgrace.  And the level of stupidity and lack of common sense among the people astounds me to no end.  I swear, if it's on social media, then it must be true!  Makes my stomach turn.

On a lighter note, I've had the weekend off and it's been a very welcomed time.  I was ready to be away and recharge my soul by pretty much doing nothing.  Just trying to keep myself in a quiet space as the last few weeks have been chaotic.  I've got a concert planned with my girls next month so that will be my next hoo-ha.  And oh...a group bike ride too with some co-workers.  That should be a nice break too. 

In the meantime, the first day of Summer is fast approaching.  How are you going to celebrate?  Might be a good day for ice cream, eh?  Maybe I should add it to my list.  Until next time...elizinashe

Day into the Night

Greed

The Evils of Money

I don't care what Gordon Gekko says, Greed is not good.  Ambition?  Sure.  Greed? No.

We see it everyday.  And our political system is filled with Greed.  I don't have to tell you about our healthcare system and the pharmaceutical companies.  That whole mess makes me want to vomit.

I have a lovely small neighborhood.  Twenty homes on small lots.  One way in, one way out.  You'd never know we existed unless you just happened to take a turn up our hill.  But not no more. 

The AirBnB business is a hot one.  The "short term rental" gig in our area is booming.  And it's not a good thing.  We have three short term rentals on my street.  All of which surround my home.  There's a high possibility that there is a fourth as I don't see the same vehicles in the drive everyday or every weekend.  And there is a home currently for sale on my street.  My fear is that someone will buy it and turn it around for yet another "short term rental".

Insert angry face here.  I am so sick of coming home every freaking weekend to multiple cars crammed into a very small neighborhood, parked all fucked up in the small driveways of these rentals AND in the street which is not allowed.  I witnessed our trash service having a very difficult time navigating the road to avoid hitting a Subaru that was parked on the street in front of one of the rentals.  I secretly had hoped that the trash truck would have creamed that Subaru.  Seriously.

What really burns me up, the owners of the said short term rentals are buying these houses specifically for the said short term rental.  They are never there.  Not to mention is does nothing but block a family or a single person like myself from owning a home.  We already have a housing crisis.  Rent in my area is ridiculous.  The cost of living keeps increasing and trying to find an affordable home for your average family is becoming more difficult.  But yet, our city/county keeps issuing permits for these "short term rentals". 

I've been taking pictures for evidence.  Yep.  Sure have.  I had a drunk girl try to enter my home last year.  She was at the wrong house.  And despite me yelling at her through the door to "get off my porch", she kept on turning the door knob.  AND ringing my door bell.  At 2 AM.  Yep.  2. AM.  Oh sweet Hell...she is lucky that I didn't open the door and punch her in the face.  For real.  I seriously wanted to shove that woman off my property.  However, I didn't want an assault charge place on me so I kept myself together.

Our quaint neighborhood is becoming not so quaint anymore.  And I refuse to leave.  As a homeowner, I should not have to live around "hotel guests" if you will, because that is exactly what they are.  I should not have to live around the noise, the inconvenience, the multiple Ubers and Lyfts that enter our area all hours of the night.  And I sure as Hell shouldn't have to navigate my way due to ill parked and multiple cars just to get into my own driveway.  Just because the home advertises can sleep 6-8 people does not mean we can have 6-8 cars for a single home.  Assholes.

I've already looked up our HOA Covenants which appears to violate the rules and restrictions that are outlined.  I plan to bring that shit up.  These short term rental owners are running a business.  Let's call it what it is.  And they're doing nothing but making a profit in the name of Greed.  No taxes paid to the county.  At least at this point.  I know my fellow neighbor and homeowner feels the same way I do.  He plans on making some calls too because it's all getting ridiculous.  There is a family out there somewhere that needs a home and who deserves a home.  Forget these hotel guests.  I'm over it.  I'm ready to fight.  Until next time...elizinashe

I Want to Drink My Coffee in Peace

It's Over....I Think

Wishing for Calmer Waters

Shew!  May was one Hell of a month.  To say the very least.  Looking back, it was a crap ass roller coaster ride.  And I don't like roller coasters.  Ain't doing it. 

June has started to be busy but only for a very brief period of time.  Or so I hope.  It's only beginning.  However, when I look at my calendar, it looks pretty chill.  Which I totally need.  I'm so very tired of the chaos.  And the past month was nothing but chaos.  I can't survive that long in a world filled with such angst.  I seriously hope the next couple of months will be some calm waters for this chic.  Otherwise, I just might lose it. 

My hope is for some smooth sailing.  I need to recoup still.  I hope to have some low impact fun filled activities with some friends, plan my time for a brief trip and an annual girls' trip/concert in July and begin to move forward with some extra education work wise and keep my options open in my career field as this new buyout is proving more and more to be detrimental than beneficial.  Keeping my T's crossed and my I's dotted as they say.  My gut tells me I'm good for the most part.  However....I know I need to keep better paths in my long term goals.  We never know what the future holds.  And greed is never, ever good. 

In the meantime, my wish for us all is tremendous peace in all aspects and financial blessings as we all could use a boost for the unexpected trials of this thing called Life.  I think I need to make it a point to begin some crafty projects for the house as that sort of stuff makes me happy despite the big mess I make.  Sometimes messes can be a good thing.  Until next time...elizinashe. 

Someone to Watch Over Me